In response to "Marriage is not for you"
I am sure that many people have read this, and were as disillusioned about it as I was.
Lets begin with the facts. Many marriages are non functional. Plenty of people marry young then realize that the person they are married to, may just not be the person they want to be with the rest of their lives. So what do they do? What it comes down to is this, some people will never be happy in marriage. It is just the way that things are. Some people have no interest in getting married, and that is ok too. So what the problem is, is that we have this idea that somehow married people are X% more invested in each other than those who are not married, which is simply not the case. I have known plenty of couples who were as invested if not more so in their relationship than those who are married, but what it comes down to is the people involved and how they are, what their needs are, and what they see their life as.
My question is, is it better to marry because that is what you are supposed to do, or is it ok to not be married and live your life as your needs dictate. Let me say this: As of Sunday I have been Married to my wife a year and a half now (It hardly seems this long) and after that time I have realized a few things. Yes, I am happier married than I ever was not married. No, it may not be for everyone. If only her happiness mattered to me in our relationship then I would not get the things I want or need as often as when we can balance our own needs with the needs of the other. But that may not be for everyone.
The second thing is that marriage cannot simply be about procreation. If that were so, any post menopause woman would have no "reason" to get married, The state of Utah allowing first cousins to wed after the age of 65 (as I understand this law), and more to the point if anyone was found to be infertile their marriage by that logic would have to be dissolved since it is only about having children. Also those who are married and choose not to have children for any number of reasons would not be allowed to be married, and yes, homosexuals would still not be allowed to be married in any place since it is only a question of procreation. The fact is that marriage is more than that. Marriage, though it may include children or not, is about the 2 people involved in it. Some people simply do not want to be married. Some get married multiple times, but that does not mean that marriage is for everyone.
Marriage has it's perks. I love my wife. I love sharing my life with her, and to be honest most of the "perks" are merely that perks. We can claim each other on our insurance, we can file taxes jointly (since we do combine incomes, it makes sense) if she got sick I could visit her in the hospital, and should anything happen to either of us, we would be the beneficiaries of the other. (Yes, she has insurance on me, and I her.) We are also recognized by the state as a couple, or a family. These are nice, but not the reason to be married, at least not for me. But I also know plenty of people who want to be recognized as such but are unable to, as well as those who have lived together long enough that they were common law married, but have no interest in anything other than what they have. Does that mean that marriage is for everyone? no.
Some people love being single. There is nothing wrong with that, that is how they prefer to be, and that is ok. Some people believe that you marry who you do and no matter how well you know them with time you will come to love them. There is nothing wrong with that either, it is just not how I see it, but that is ok, as my step mom used to say "That is why there is more than one flavor of Ice Cream". Maybe marriage is not for you because you have no interest in it, and that is ok.
On the other person's happiness being the only thing that matters: that is pure bunk, and in some cases leads to abusive relationships. If all that matters is making your partner happy but that is not their motivation, then there is a lot of room for doing everything for them, but them not doing things for you. It is a balance. It is important to do what you can to help your partner achieve their dreams, goals, and desires. But not one person on the planet can make another happy if they are not happy, you can do what you are able, but you cannot force someone else to be happy if they don't want to be. If I devoted my life to solely being responsible for my wife's happiness, then on days that were not so good, it would be my fault to. I can do what I am capable of doing, help her as I can, support her in her goals and dreams, but what I can't do is to hand those to her without her help, buy-in, and communication as to what those are, and how we can accomplish those things together. It also means that sometimes I am going to do things that are just for me, (In my case, sword fighting) because I enjoy it, and she supports me in it without having to do something she has no interest in doing. It means that I get to have some me time, and she gets some her time without having to be the same time doing the same things together. If she likes a particular kind of music, and I do not care for it, she has some time to enjoy that without me, so in a way it is helping her be happy without me having to be there for it. If there is a movie that I want to see and she does not want to see it, I go, she does what she wants to for that time and we do not have to feel like we are dragging each other to something that we do not enjoy so that we get to do what we want to.
It is not just about making each other happy, but it is about giving each other space to do some things for themselves. That is what our marriage is based on. Doing the things we love to do, sometimes with the other person, sometimes not, but allowing that to be ok. It comes down to supporting each other happiness without being solely responsible for it. But that is not just limited to marriage, it is true in friendships as well. I am not responsible for your happiness, but if I can help, then it is better for me to do what I am willing and capable to do, then not. To some people this means that you have to be married to do that, and for them, it is better to marry if they can. But that is not for everyone, and that is ok. It is ok if everyone does not do or think the same way I do, that is part of life. So maybe Marriage is for you, maybe it is not, but either way, that is ok.
