A time to every purpose.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

This morning I awoke earlier than normal. For years waking up early on New Years Eve was something I did as we held an annual World Healing Meditation at my church. It is not something that they do anymore, and since my absence from church it is hardly something I can suggest as a tradition to bring back so this morning I did at home.

There is a lot to be said about tradition. Many times we do them, simply because that is how they are done. One such example is new years resolutions. I wrote on mine some last week, but this morning something else happened from within me. I realized that to take steps forward in my life it was important that I turn within evaluate what is working and what is not, and then create a mantra or mission statement or something as a focus for the new year.

Do not get me wrong, 2014 was spectacular. I learned things I never knew, met lots of new people had some great experiences. I think that is the crux though. We look at a new year and seem to have to think badly about the one that just past, as if somehow talking it down makes the next one that much better; it doesn't.

In November at the Moab Celtic Festival when doing heavy athletics I broke a caber. To me it was upsetting. I was told later that it happened, but to me it was not something to be proud of, I was embarrassed and felt terrible about it. Upon looking back at it more closely, I have realized something. That broken caber, was and still is a lesson. 

Why had it broken? Was there some sort of internal flaw like a knot that meant it was going to break? No. This was a solid piece that had broken because my form and technique was not good, because I had the misconception that by strength alone I could turn this Caber, even if my technique was not right. In that I was wrong.

To me, that meant a bigger lesson. Often times in my life I have gotten through by sheer force of will. As if pushing harder was the way through everything. I am a reasonably strong guy (Less so than most anyone I to Scottish games with, but that is another post entirely) and often times I know I can use my size, or in some cases my wits to get through problems without doing what is called for to do it right and well. That did not work that day. I could not push through it and come out the winner through sheer force of will.

So what is the goal for 2015? Knowing what is right and when and taking the right steps to do what is needed. It means less filling time with things like browsing Facebook when I am waiting for an elevator. It means spending more time devoted to doing things that bring me joy, and less time filling time up with something, anything that may fill the time so I am not alone with my thoughts and ideas.

This year is about finding the right times for every purpose in my life, and having the wisdom to do what is needed at that time to make it work out the best it can be. To be clear, and honest about what is going on, and to take the right steps to be where I need to be. This year is about trusting that if I follow the things that bring me joy, life will just be better. Knowing what tools I have in my toolbox and using them right, so that at the end of the day I can rest in knowing that I did what I needed to and did it well. 

2014 was great, and I look forward to 2015, may it bring us all the things we are seeking.

Resolute

I hate the idea of new years resolutions. It always seems to hit me that people set themselves up for failure with them and then when they fall off the horse, that is it. In an article published in Forbes magazine 2 years ago it appears that only 8% of people accomplish what they resolve to do.

All that being said, here I am, at the beginning of another year telling myself that there are some things I want to get done this year. Things like eating healthier, getting more consistent exercise, and sticking to my training so I can accomplish my bigger life and sword goals. But if the odds are against me, why do it?

2014 was a year a lot changed for me. I attended my first larger HEMA community event. I started Olympic Fencing, I realized that I can accomplish a lot if I move from the reasons I can't and begin working my to a place where I am looking for the ways to get where I want to be.  I cannot say for certain how many times I started diet and exercise only to fall off and begin again weeks or months later, but i know it happened a lot.

So what is different this time? Why will this be the year it changes? I cannot say that it will be for certain but if I stick with it, the reason it will is the way in which I am setting goals. What does 2015 mean to me? What am I working to accomplish? Why is it more likely it will stick this time?

I have heard a lot of people set things up to fail. "I want to loose 50 pounds this year" or something like that. I am not happy with my weight. For those who have not met me I am in the words of my boss "A big dude". It always have been, but I also know from my past that it is not all fat that makes me that way so there is that. So where do I go? This year is all about performance. If I dropped 100 pounds (around my goal) but was not stronger or faster, if I could not perform better than I can in the sword practices I do, would it be worth it? On the other hand, if I trained hard and could build things up to the point that I only dropped 25 or 40 pounds but could run longer, or lift more weight, or could move faster in the ring or on the line would that be worth it? To me if that is not the goal I am not sure what is.

I also want to get in better shape for my family. I would like to one day have children I could at least in part keep up with. I do not want to be the dad whose kids run off and he can't remotely keep up. I know it is a long shot to say beat a child at a foot race or have the energy and vitality of a young kid, but my goal is to be further when that is a real possibility than not. Why? Because to me it matters. Being there long term is important and the best way to do that is to work to be healthier now. I want to be able to pick up a sword and teach at 90 years old, and still be able to beat my students. Not just watch from the sidelines as they get walloped by other people.

Maybe resolutions is not the right word for where I want to be in 2015, maybe goals is. At the end of the day it does not matter if I am 320 pounds or 220 pounds if I can keep up and do better in the next year than I am doing now. At the end of the day, if I can run 5 miles or do 100 push ups without problems does it matter what my pant size is? If I can pick up a sword and keep up or beat my instructor stride for stride, does it matter how much weight I have lost? To me the answer is no. Of course I have to keep my blood sugar in check, of course I want my cholesterol in a healthy range and a million other things that come with being a "Big dude" but at the end of the day I am doing all of it and have not lost all the weight, does it matter? No, and that to me is the place to start.

Happy New Year from Jordan the Swordsman.

Everyone has a place.

Running is not swimming. 

Swimming is not Cycling.

Cycling is not running. 

All three use the legs and body in similar motions to move from one place to another. They all require the body to be in good shape to do exceptionally well at them but a runners body is not a swimmers or a cyclists body. All None of the 3 are sword in any stretch of the imagination, though they use some of the similar muscle groups and exercises but they are not the same. 

I have been practicing the Historical European Martial Arts for a while now. When I first started it was nothing like what it is for me now. In the not too distant past I had some major problems with anything that I did not believe was true to the art I practice. A technique with a foam sword is not always universal to a steel or synthetic sword. To me, if the technique is different, the weapons were unrealistic,its not something I love. For years this included armored combat, this included any type of role playing, this included SCA, and it also included Olympic fencing. To me anything that was not what I do was a game, gave my art a bad name and not something I wanted any part of.

In the past few years that has changed.
Call me wrong, call me indecisive, but at the end of the day what you love is great, for you and I am doing all I can to not be "that guy".

I used to be one of those guys who laughed at Olympic fencing because it was a game, a sport that only partial resembled the sword arts I loved.  I used to laugh at people flailing foam weapons at the park because I knew that a steel weapon did not act the way that these do, but to me things have changed.

What changed is my realization of just how wrong about it I was. I love what I do. I love the community, the things I have learned, the purpose it gives me in many different aspects of my life. But what also came up is that I have met some great people who do something else, that love the things they do even if it is different than what I love.

The point is, that there is nothing wrong with any of it as long as you are clear about it, you know what it is, and it is what you love to do. Just because someone else does it different does not make him wrong and you right. It just means that you are not playing the same game..

Lets call spades spades.
If you love using boffer weapons, wearing costumes, and acting as a character then call it that. It really is ok.
Years ago I remember talking to people who were defensive about calling what they did role play. As if it took something away from what they did made it somehow less. The point as I see it is be honest about what you do. If you play a character, or a role, you are role playing. That is not limited to being in a game sometimes you play a roll in life, Maybe your idea of a father, or employee or something else. In some circles it is called what hat you are wearing. Where I am bothered is when people push back and say that they are not doing it. It also means this: if you practice with foam, or wood and feel that it acts just like steel so there is no need to risk being hurt with steel you are mistaken. The 2 things are not the same. AND THAT IS OK. The real key here is being honest about what you are doing and not calling Running, Swimming.

I have trained with wood, duct tape covered wood, several kinds of synthetic, and some steel when I have a good chance to. None of them act the same way. Just as an Olympic Saber though it can leave marks coming in would not do the same as a heavier weapon. There is the problem I have. The different things are not the same, but the second you believe that they act 100% the same you are lying to yourself.

Do some people do what they do better than others?
Of course, but let them prove it in how they practice their art. Think they are doing something wrong? Lend a hand, we can all use a hand up sometime. If they don't agree with it, let them be judged by the results they get, it not on you.

Are some techniques the same between different sword hobbies?
In a way yes. Body mechanics do not change. Swinging a sword from the right shoulder to your left side with a crossed step forward will have more power than  the same motion without putting your body behind it. There are some things that no matter the weapon, do not change. What matter is that we are calling our tools just that. Just as long as we are clear that it is in the context of that game.

Ultimately what matters to me is this: people join the thing they do for a number of reasons and many of those are personal. In the last year I have taken up Olympic fencing, it is not he same as my HEMA Training but I know that. I also do not call it the same thing because there is nothing wrong with doing technique that could help me get in better shape just as there is nothing wrong with taking up swimming and running at the same time. There is a problem when I call them the same thing. There is an issue when you show up as a runner to the local swim meet and expect everything to be exactly the same and expecting to walk away with first place.

There is room in the world for all of it. Maybe what you do is not my game, but it does not make things any less valid. Do what you love, let the haters hate, what matters is that you have found something you love. I enjoy Olympic fencing, it is a great work out and translates a little to some of the sword work I do. It is different, but I enjoy it, just like you may love to swim, bike and run but not all of them are the same thing.

Not everyone sees it, but to me, there is a place for everyone at the table. It is time we began to treat each other with the same respect.

Competition, California, and being a part of something bigger.

It has been a CRAZY few months! As such I have missed a lot of the posting I really should have. So here is what is "Relatively" new in this Swordsmans life, it has been so packed the last little bit I will limit to mostly sword related stuff here, there is much more to say but this is the sword related stuff.

I have been very much hit and miss on going to classes for the last few months but that does not mean there has been no sword, in fact even missing classes there has been a lot that was awesome going on.

September saw my first Renaissance fair playing the part of Henry VIII with the House of Tudor guild. This was a great event, and though it rained for the 2 days of the event, I met many great people and feel like it really helped me expand my focus a bit from just sword, to things like this which I feel fall under the same umbrella.

Not only was this a fun event, but as it happened a couple of weeks before our competition it was a big step forward for me personally.
I always get psyched up, (Sometimes too much) when a competition is coming up. I fall into a trap of building so much into my performance that if I make a misstep or do not do as well as I feel like I should, I quickly slip into self criticism and doubting my own skills. I am not the best out there, I know I have room to get better, but I feel like I am not as bad as I could be. This time was different. For me it was OK for me to take the week off and play a part, and know that one week of practice was not going to make or break my skill. If I won, I won, if I lost though not 100% OK with it, it was better than it has been for awhile.

This event was a bit different, instead of the matches going to a certain number scored for one person it was based on cumulative score so once the points were scored, no matter who did it, the match was over. We got this idea from a friend of ours who came to study abroad from Germany last year. There were ups and downs about all of it but ultimately the great part was when the match ended, unless you counted points you did not know who won since the last point scored could bring it to 5 to 3 in your favor but that could have been scored by you, or your opponent so just because they hit you last did not mean it was the winning blow. It also meant that when each round was over (we had a lot more of them), all you could do was go into the next one and do your best to defend yourself and do well, wins did not matter as much as simply doing your best. I was a huge fan of that idea.

After the competition was over we went to California to visit Disneyland, take a vacation, and for me at least get a little sparring in with my friends at Kron. I say just after but this is literally how it happened. We got home, I showered and changed clothes while my wife emptied and repacked the car and by the time I was dressed we left. It could not have been more than 30 minutes between pulling up and leaving again. We drove through the night, spent some time at the beach a few days at the park then on Wednesday night I had an opportunity to visit my friends at Kron in Fullerton.

That is the thing I am learning about this community, no matter where you go, there are new friends to meet and seriously some of the best people I know. This visit was no different. I went to their class was treated graciously as a guest and of course got in some sparring. I used to think that I rested on knowing who my opponents were too much, Knowing their tricks, what they did not do well instead of reading them in that moment better. If nothing else I have found out this year it has been that some things are universal, but that skill, the ability to read your opponent, to get in their head and see what is coming or what you need to do to counter is so important. I cannot say I know how my free sparing with these awesome people went, I do not know who scored more points, who won, or who lost. but I felt like I was able to keep up, and hopefully taught them a bit of the bit I know about this art I love so much.

Since last I wrote about things I have had 3 classes with the study group I am teaching. I am finding it a long journey when I go up there, It is 160 miles round trip, but it is sometimes meditative to get in a car and just drive. I have seen some beautiful things along the road, and watched summer turn to fall, and then winter along the road to Logan. I can say with all honesty that I feel like I have a great group of students who are excited to learn so much so that it has not become unusual for me to stray from my plan when they brought up something really good and I felt it needed to be covered.

I have not taught a lot, here or there in the class I attend, Once in Puerto Rico to a great bunch of guys there while I was on vacation, but to me teaching helps me see the world a bit bigger. I find that I learn things or think differently about some things by observing others and to see them get better, is a moment I can only call being proud of the hard work they are doing to learn and get better with it.

Many other things have happened in the last 3 months. I attended the first Highland games to happen in Moab Utah, I broke a caber, was voted by my peers the Athlete of the day, and have had some great adventures while I have been on and off with sword, sometimes teaching, sometimes doing something else, but it is always with me and always a driving force for me. I reactivated the membership I had at the Recreation center and have been exercising more often, have been fencing on and off while helping some younger guys learn how to use a sabre, but all the time it has been in my heart.

One of the last things sword related that I did for myself came in the form of a lifetime membership to the HEMA Alliance. I have been a member for a number of years now, in part initially to help my class become a part of it, but in recent years it has been my way of saying I love this martial art, and it is important to me that I support the things I love. So after years of debating it, I finally decided it was time. It was time to sign my name and say that I believe in this community, this crazy sword family I have adopted, and that to me at least it matters. There may come a day when I may not love it as much, when it is OK to go months without sword, but you cannot take that love away from me. I am a member because to me it matters.

We put our money and intention into the things that matter to us, for some it is volunteering somewhere, for some, it is putting their passion into their work, for some it is doing nothing at all. To me, it is about this martial art I love to practice. I may not love all of it, I could do without some of the drama, some days I could do without some of the practice that I do not like, but at the end of the day, this matters to me. It is something bigger than just the practice though. We are a community, with all the ups and downs that entails, but when it comes down to it, when I go on vacation I love to meet people who share this passion, and it feels like family, and to me, that dynamic is every bit worth standing up and saying that I wish to be a part of that for life.

What a weekend!

I have been too busy as of late. It is a very good thing but it means I have not had a lot of time to talk about what has been going on.

Sword related stuff:
This is a blog about me and my sword stuff so I will start there. In June, just before my first match at Combat Con the zipper on my jacket broke. That is why I was fighting in red duct tape in all of my matches. :)  We bought some straps to close it while we were in Vegas, so I could do some sparring but I knew I needed to get the zipper fixed, and since it is a pain to sew the jacket, that job went to someone else. We took it into a tailor and it was fixed last Friday, so now I am all ready to fight in it again for the competition I have coming up, my trip to California, and all things going well, will be able to wear it all winter to fight in. (Did it last year and made it so I did not need another coat while at sword, definitely a plus.)

Competition!
We have a group competition coming up on October 11th and I am stoked. My press releases are already out, and we will be on TV some time the week before so that is nice. The rules are changing a bit so we are focusing more on defense than offense so it should be cool to watch it all play out. As it is coming quick I am trying to really get my head in the game and be ready for it. The night of competition we are also leaving for Disneyland so while I am in Southern California, I am going to hit up some sword people and get some more sparring in. (As if I need it, but I do love me some sword work.)

Logan!
As some of my readers are not from Utah a brief introduction.
Logan is the home of Utah State University and is about 80 miles north of my house. Over the summer, we had a student show up who wanted to start a student group there, but as we do not have anyone who lives up there besides her we came to compromise. I would drive up once a month, teach their class, and then on the off weeks they can practice what we went over. After talking to my instructor, he said that I was ok to do this as long as I was actively working towards my instructor rank. (Something I have been lazy on the last little bit, but am getting back on.) This week was my first meeting with them and I had 6 students. We went over a lot of the basics I like to cover and though we did not hit it all, I feel like it went very well. It was a great week, and I really look forward to working with these students in the future. :)

Renaissance festival!
Ok, not really sword related. (Yes, but no) I have been invited by the House of Tudor guild in Salt Lake to perform as Henry VIII at the upcoming festival on the 26th and 27th of September. As a result I have been spending a lot of time studying the man,  and the history of the period so that I understand the character and can really play it well, as well as have fun with it. It has been a really solid couple of months researching, and finding some things that will help the costume, and me to make the best of the character I can. It is exciting, and looks to be a lot of fun! I am putting as much as I can into it and to me it is the little things that matter, the right hose, as close to right as I can shoes, the right period sword.

That is really the take away. Do what matters. Do what you do right. Just as practice does not make perfect perfect practice makes perfect, Do your best at everything you do. If it fails, don't kill yourself about it, just do it better next time.

Life is really busy right now, but life is good.
Happy Swording my friends.

Understanding madness part 1 Henry VIII

How much in the history of mankind have the wrong things been done for noble reasons?

My mind truly worries me some times, most specifically when I study the acts of people whom history calls cowards, tyrants or bad people and in a way, it makes sense to me the way in which what they did could have made sense to them at the time.

My most recent foray into the mind of madness has been studying Henry VIII of England. Often considered a bad guy for several reasons the more I study, the more I feel I may see a reason for what he did, as horrible as it was. This is by no means excusing it, nor is understanding it excusing the mistakes those people made, but in understanding I feel it brings them closer to center, more human than demon, and fail-able just as we all are.

As I understand it the world in which Henry VIII was born was one of many contentions, since the line of succession from the Plantagenet's was not clear and direct, there were as many people who has as much right to the throne as the sitting monarch. Power, then as much as now, was a delicate balance. When the legitimacy of a heir could be in question after you were gone, it makes sense that you would do what you could to protect that. I am not suggesting that killing off 2 wives and divorcing 2 others was right, but in the context of the time, if a queen was not as strong candidate for ruler, and not only her rein, but life could be put into question if someone else had the backing to dispose her.

Again, I am not saying that what he did was right. But in trying to hold and keep power, especially when others have as legitimate of a claim to the throne, it becomes hard to let voices of dissent go heard, since one day you are the King, the next day your rivals gain enough support to claim the same and have you killed. It is a hard place to be in. If you allow your rivals to dissent and that in turn can lead to not only your death but possibly the death of your children and you fight with the tools you have to keep that. It would be as if, you owned your home and plan on that providing for your children and then a neighbor steps in, takes your home kills you and gives it to their child. Even more is the problem of a child of yours based on their gender could not inherit your home. If you have an heir who could, it becomes possible for them to look out for their siblings, but without such an heir none of your children are protected against hardships that could include their own death.

I will not suggest that he did not have other reasons, be they lust or otherwise, but I am suggesting that this may have been a part of it. Added to that is this. When you have been given lands or in this case a country, you want your children to have as much of that enacted as possible. You may even think of it as your noble right to keep the throne against all threats both foreign and domestic. (You may be wrong, but that is not the question.) At one time in our history if you were the Alpha male in a tribe or group, and someone else wanted to challenge that you had recourse. You could fight them and if they won they took your place. In this case, those who spoke ill were killed as they posed a threat, and if we have learned anything it is that a person who is in power may use that power to keep power as long as they can. Sometimes it involves killing off rivals so you can secure your place and are not killed or erased from history. (Such as Hatshepsut, was erased by Tuthmosis III when he became pharaoh in 1458 BC) 

Henry VIII is often categorized as a womanizer who divorced or killed his wives because he did not have male heirs from them. (With the exception of his third wife who died after childbirth) This may be the case. It may also be the case that he did as he did out of no noble reason but simply because he could. It may be that none of what he did, he did for more noble a cause but just lust. I would argue that perhaps his 5th marriage to Anne of Cleaves may have been partly that, but I find it hard to believe that it was all that.

The human condition is hardly an easy one. We have storms of emotion based on very little, and act sometimes on reasons that we do not know ourselves. Added to that is the fact that people do things sometimes for a number of reasons that point to the same answer. You may have a child because you wish to have the experience of raising children, or feel it is directly a commandment from your God, or you want a part of you to live on, or for countless other reasons, but rarely is it only one of those things. You may have a particular job because it pays the bills, or it allows you to do things you want to do, but it is rarely one thing only. I cannot say for sure that this king did what he did for one reason and only that alone, I am not sure any of us does, or anything would do. If you are hungry and anything will do, you should then eat anything as you have no actual preference, but the human psyche is not like that. We are like a trifle layered and our reasons add up to doing things people may view as only having one reason when it really has countless. Even something so simple as "How do I love, thee?" is continued with "Let me count the ways" as if something so essential as love needs to have a plethora of reasons for it to be valid.

I hardly believe anyone is that simple, and though the primary reason for something may be larger, the truth is that it is hardly as cut and dry as it is made out to be. My mind worries me, but to be fair, it is interesting to me to try to understand the way in which something may have made sense at the time because to me it makes these people more human and sometimes we need more humanity in our experiences.

It should be your choice, and it should be OK.

Warning: This has nothing to do with swordsmanship, my personal journey, and may be a bit too soon and too fresh for some people. I do not mean any disrespect, and please know my intentions are clear. I need to vent about something that is getting to me.

Last night I cried. It was the first time I remember crying over the death of a celebrity, but my life was touched by this one in particular, so I felt a genuine sadness for this one lost. In light of that, and many of my friends who I have lost over the years to their own hands, despite the sadness and grief, and the holes left in our collective hearts, I still believe it should be your choice.

There are people hurting in the world. Many of them, without the world seeing it in the light of day. The happy, spunky friend who always has a good attitude during the day, when they are alone with their thoughts may be going through things we have no idea about. To those who are hurting I suggest reach out. I suggest talk to someone, anyone, but if what you need is to talk find that. It is a lot better that way than doing something as a cry for help that may hurt you long term, could even kill you, when all you needed was to talk, and maybe some antidepressants to help balance things out some. Last night it wondered if Robin Williams had known just how many lives he had touched, and mattered to, would that have changed it? I have no answers, none of us will ever know.

There is a finality of death. It is the nature of the beast. I have also been there. When the only answer is out, anyway you can get there. When the sadness and grief, the pain, seems so much that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes people need a hand up, sometimes no matter what you say or do for them will not be enough, and their choice becomes to pull themselves up, or to find a way out. I do not know if knowing the lives he touched would have pulled him out this time, no one knows for sure. But despite that I still believe that it is (our should be) your choice.

Things are not always cut and dry. I cannot say with absolute certainty that if we, as people were kinder to each other that it would keep everyone from ending their own lives. It is not that cut and dry. But I know some lives may be saved, and that alone may make the difference. We need to be a society where it is OK to ask for help and get it. Where there is not a stigma attached to being depressed, like it is something so wrong with a person that if they go to get help it means somehow that they have failed at life somehow. That kind of thinking needs to be over. We all have our down times, the times when we are sad or feel loss for something, or someone. It is a part of life that as a society we brush over, like it is not OK to be down and be having a hard time sometimes. We need to change how we see things. It is OK to be down, it is OK to ask for help, or need to talk to someone about what is going on without the stigma attached to it.

But even in this loss, even in the losses of friends over the years something else is also clear. It is OK for people to decide about their lives. Sometimes the hand up is not the answer, and that has to be OK too. It should be OK to decide on your own terms how your life comes to an end. If you are sick and the only way out is that way, it should be OK to go that way. No stigma attached, but safe ways that are not going to end others lives in the process. If it was OK to go your way, rather than in a fiery crash on the freeway that ends others lives.

As a people we are not OK with death. It comes to all of us, but we absolutely are not OK with it. When a ninety something year old person dies who has been in constant pain for the last 30 years we face it with sorrow, as though we want them to hold on forever so we do not have to face death. We want people who are on life support and who are alive because machines are keeping them there to stay alive forever, no matter their pain or quality of life, we want them alive so we do not have to face death. As if it is some curse that if we hold on long enough will skip us, keep the people in our lives alive and well so we never have to face it, or be sad because of a loss.

They are tied, the stigma and the holding on to those who it is their time to go. To me that needs to change. It is OK to die. It will happen to all of us in our time. I have been mad at my friends who choose their way out, I am hurting and somehow it is their fault. What is wrong with that is that I am sad that they are gone, I can even shake my fist at the sky because they choose to go the way they did, but ultimately, at the end of the day, it is their choice. I can be mad, but it was their life, and they choose how to go with it, and I have to respect that choice. It should be your choice. It should be that getting help was easy, no stigma attached, we all go through hard times, and it is OK to be down sometimes. But if the only way that you can see through the darkness and pain is out, we need to allow that to be OK too.

In the end, we all die. It does not matter how hard we try not to, death comes anyway. Hold those in your life who matter near to you, show them that they matter, make a difference in the lives of others. Today I am sad for the loss of someone I looked up to, but he touched so many lives I cannot say that he did not make a difference. I also cannot say that it was not his choice to go as he choose, and ultimately that is and should be his choice and despite the pain, that is and should be OK.

Some clarity from the cloudiness.

Last night I took a walk. This is not news. Since the first part of June I have taken many walks, mostly because I did not get my steps where I needed them for the day, so I have been boosting them by taking a walk usually around the neighborhood.

Last night was a bit different. I had arranged to meet a friend and do a little fencing, then when she left the park, I began my laps. As it was not the neighborhood which is easy to keep my mind busy it was a good "clearing my head" kind of walk. From it, came some realizations, and from that the steps forward seemed pretty clear.

The first thing that occurred to me, is that though I weigh something that is considered considerably over my "Ideal" I do not feel super fat and out of shape. Yes it is harder to do some things, but I feel like I do OK overall most of the time. The question then became, if not what I look like now what is my mental Idea of what I weigh. What occurred to me is that it is likely that most people do not have a complete self picture of what they look like to others. Plenty that are very overweight do not always think that they are that bad. Plenty of others who have just a little I would imagine, feel like that 10% fat or something is WAY too much and feel like they are 400 pounds because of it.

So where mentally do I put myself? I weight 322 pounds as of this morning. I know I am over weight. Every time I go to a doctor they tell me. It could have nothing to do with what I am talking to them about, they tell me, believe me I know, this is not some huge revelation. But where do I put myself? Last night, it came very clear. I feel like I am a healthy person most of the time. Ask me to do 100 push ups and it gets a lot different but overall I feel like I am some over but not 150 pounds over. (If you look at BMI my ideal is 170, but at that point I think I would look sickly)

Also to that point was the idea that I know that guy. I know what the Healthy guy would look like or feel like, I know what eating decisions he would make, and how active he would be. The funny thing is that I half expected him to just show up fully formed. One day, eating burgers and fries and drinking a coke for lunch, the next day, this other guy with healthy habits. It was crazy, but somewhere I half expected it to happen. This was dumb, it would not happen, and I think that was almost a security blanket for me. "What? I am not that weight today either? Guess it does not matter what I eat, since it is not happening today."

Then something else occurred to me. I do know this guy. I can feel what it would be like to be him. but nothing is going to magically bridge the gap. It will take time being him before I look like him. It will take work to get there, it is not going to happen over night. If somehow I was 100 pounds less tomorrow. Could I keep it up? Not without the right tools and mindset. This was something I did not have, and something that it would take some doing to get. I heard somewhere once that a huge number of diets fail because even if people reach their goal, they gain it back because they go back to old habits. "I just lost 50 pounds, now I can eat whatever I want." kind of crap.

A huge part of this goes back to something I realized back in June in regards to sword. Not "I can't do it" but "How can I do it?" it gets my mind working. Things are not dismissed, but rather another way is found. That is who that guy is. Not the one who complains without a solution, but one who sees a problem and figures out how to make it work. I know this guy because he is me, his mind is not foreign to mine, his actions are not so far off that I can't see myself doing them. He is walking around in my skin right now with some extra baggage. But we will work that off, all I need to do is to be that guy, be the best I can be right now knowing that tomorrow it may be a bit different but right now he and I are one.

I am not there yet, but I am taking steps. This afternoon I had tuna without mayo or anything else, that is the kind of thing he would do after all, and found that it was not bad, in fact, I liked it. I am not there yet, but "That guy" is me and together we will make it.

Perspective adjustment.

          I have been overweight my whole life. Seriously. I was born 13 pounds 12 oz and it just went up from there, so I have been trying to drop some of my weight for a long long time. Since High school there has been a lot of working on exercise more, or eating better working to just drop the excess. A lot of that had to do with timetables, and calculations. If I can keep a steady pace of loosing X pounds a week for X weeks I will hit my goal at such and such a time in the future. This often turned into weird math where I would figure at a constant rate of change, by such and such a date I should be at X weight which would coincide with a particular holiday or festival or something.

Therein lied the problem. Any rate, no matter how much we want it to be stays the same. This week may be a drop of 5 pounds, next week 1. Over time it is easy to start out ahead, then when the curve hits and I am now 5 pounds behind my goal rate, it is easy to get frustrated, discouraged, and "take a break". Unfortunately the breaks last longer than I wanted, so 2 days becomes 3 then a week. Next thing I know, clothes are fitting tighter and I am upset because I let myself slide.

This week everything changed for me. All it took was a new perspective. What if, it was not about a timetable, what if it was about making healthy choices. What did it matter if I reached my goal in 52 weeks or 104 if I got there? What if I gave myself enough room for it all to be OK, as long as I was working on it with some diligence? The answer I found was that all of it was OK. For years, when I was on it, I pushed hard, VERY hard. Instead of walking a mile a day to get started I pushed it to 5 a day. Instead of slowing down what I was eating, I dropped off a lot, really really quick. What it meant was that I got burned out quickly.

This week it became OK to be where I was, and to be working where I was to get where I wanted to be. Do I have to loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks? No, especially if it does not stay off.  Is it OK if I keep on it, loose nothing this week, stay on my plan, next week only loose 1 but am staying consistent on exercise and eating right? You betcha. The key is the long game. Not what can I loose this week, but where is the overall trend? Not what can I lift today, but am I working towards my goals to my own satisfaction? Can I push harder? Yes, Am I likely to get warn out? You betcha. The key is little steps for an end game, not huge ones now, only to back track, and fall further behind.

I have been at my current weight before. 5 years ago, on my 28th birthday, I weighed what I thought was a lot. In truth, it was 5 pounds under where I am now. For years, I had a picture of me from my 28th birthday, on things to motivate me into a perspective of "never again". In September of last year, I was up to 30 pounds over that "Never Again weight". This time it is different.

Since June I am down almost 15 pounds. Using my FitBit  I started with a goal of 10,000 steps a day which turned into 12,000 then 14,300, then 15,000 really quickly. I am finding that it is harder to hit 15 consistently, so instead of just calling it a day, I am working to hit it when I am behind. It is not every day, but a few times a week. What dictates it is how much I get at work, or on the way home. Instead of saying hey, I hit it 3 times last week lets move the bar, I am looking at saying lets hit the bar a few weeks in a row, then move it up. Again, consistent will get me there a lot better than pushing hard, getting burned out, falling backwards, then trying again in a few weeks or months.

The big takeaway here is that the adjustment, the one thing that changed in the last week is the need to be X by X. In the past a lot of my goals were set around the calendar. If by Christmas I am X then I get such and such for Christmas. If I am such and such by the state fair, then I get a new belt. Instead of: This year, at the fair I am buying a new belt from the good belt guy at the fair. Instead of: By August X I will have lost X weight so will get new work pants, it becomes When I can't cinch my pants anymore and need new ones, I will get new ones. What it means is the rewards can be bigger but they are not tied to a particular week, or month but instead, when I hit it, I do, and at that point I get such and such reward. if it is in 3 weeks, awesome, if it is in 3 months, that is OK too. What matters is keeping with it, not turning back before I reach the goal, and knowing that it is OK to go slow, if it means reaching it instead of running hard, and then not having anything left to keep up the long game.  What matters is the destination, not how quickly I get there.

Giving up or not.

When is it time to throw in the towel and call it, and when do you continue despite the setbacks and hardships?

This has been on my mind a lot as of late. There are 2 kinds of hanging on as I see it. The first is hanging on to things for longer than they are useful because it is easier than letting go, free falling into the unknown and risking the chance of failing. The other is giving up when the going gets tough because it may not be worth the trials for the pay off. This weekend may have changed my perspective some on which is which and what the coping mechanism is. 

In the last over a month I have been working on exercising, and loosing the dreaded huge amount of fat that I want to loose. I have been successful, though perhaps moderately. This is nothing new. It is a familiar cycle I find myself in, Work hard, see progress, take a "break", back slide, get mad because it did not work. It is hardly something new. Sometimes it is easier to give up, than to keep going. Sometimes the answer is that it is just not right, and so forcing things is harder than letting them go and walking away. Sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. 

 We don't like that idea though. Countless times in the past I have heard speeches from people who wish to inspire basically saying "Congratulations for making it this far, not many people do, so you must be something special." I have always wondered, is this true, or is it a way of motivating people to think that they are the best and no one else can do what they are doing. I have heard it at workplaces, and about dojo's and parts of the military. You are the best, and have the most dedication. You are more dedicated and discipline than anyone else.  (Thus you are better, we are left to assume) 

Yesterday, I heard it in a meeting but it was different. Basically it went like this: "Things are not going to get easier, they will likely get harder." (implication that if now was too much later would be worse) "You have to ask yourself if it is worth it to stay and deal with that, or is it time to go somewhere else." After the meeting I took a good long walk. (would have made it the 6 miles home had my wife not picked me up) I have found that just walking, even if it is in 100 degree heat helps me sort my thoughts. So yesterday I wondered when is it right to stay with it, fight with it, realizing it is only going to get harder, and when is it OK to throw in the towel and walk away. 

I have had plenty of times in the past when I choose the second option. Things got real, there was no way I would win, so I walked away. Jobs, Relationships, hobbies, what started out fun for it's own sake turned to frustration at the way in which it was going, and so I walked away. Sometimes it was not a full walk away, but walking away from a task or a part of something. When I got frustrated with not being able to meet the physical requirements for my sword rank advancements, I essentially said, "There is no way I will be in the shape required so I can pass them, so I will stop trying to advance in class rank." 

Walking away was always on the table. Get written up for something at work, which means years of hard work meaning little since the write up was now in my file? Walk away, the job was not worth it and I could find something else. Walking away can be healthy, though we do not talk that way. In sword if someone starts then leaves, it is something against them, not, maybe it is not their thing. All the while patting ourselves on the back for being the "Survivors" or "More Hardcore". We are the people who feel that we are the best, and only if you walk our way can you be the best. Frankly it is bull. 

I have walked away from a lot of things. Sometimes I wrote it off as taking a break, but it was walking away. There is nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is the idea that if you do not do ABC then you are not as cool or great as we are, but that feels like a part of the human condition we have to overcome.

On Sunday I went on a hike. It was a warm day and the trail was rocky. Walking into it I thought it was going to be a quick easy hike up to a pretty lake, then a beer and lunch then back down. After 2 hours on the trail. the 3.25 miles felt like it was forever. When we got, there it was one of the most beautiful lakes I remember seeing, added to that is was that it felt like it was so hard that it added to the beauty. When I was half way down, I was ready to quit, but funny thing about it, at that point I had no choice but to keep going.

I could have quit any time. I could have walked up taken a look at the inclines and simply given up. That was an option. There would have been nothing wrong with that. I would have missed out at the top, but I did not know the pay off, so would not have known any better.

But I think that is the point. Someone once told me that you had to decide what it was that you wanted and say no to everything that may get in the way of that. In the past, I have said no to a lot of things when I was "Taking a break".

I am done with that crap. It's OK to give up, it is not OK to give up and complain about it. It is OK to say no, or not today, but it is not OK to say no, then complain about not getting to see the lake. What matters most of all is to ask "is this where I want to go, is this part of something I truly desire?" and if it is not walk away, and be OK with walking away so you can get the things you need. It is not easy, but it is OK. If I had not walked away from one job to another years ago, I would not have met the people I did, or learned what I did. It's OK to walk away, just do not complain when others see the lake and you don't get to.  

Getting there and back again: Combat Con

For years there were excuses.
I can't because of... distance, time, money, reasons.
That ended a little bit ago when my wife said that if I wanted to go to Combat Con 2014 for my birthday weekend that we would figure out how to make it happen. Sometimes that is all it takes.

This last weekend 2 things happened, I went to my first larger sword event, and I turned 33. One of these things would have happened regardless. If the excuses had kept up, the other one would not have.

The thing is that living in Utah, HEMA for me, is pretty culturally limited. There is another group near by but other than the 2 of us, there is nothing for 400 miles around. At one time that would have meant total cultural isolation, in the world of the internet, it means often times a lot of reasons why not to do something. A flight to the east coast, where many events are held annually, costs me 300 dollars, the event plus lodging transportation and the like means they are not cheap to get to. Add to that the fact that I was lacking equipment I needed to compete, the excuses just added up. There was plenty of reasons not to, what I did not see was that there was just as many reasons if not more to make it work, and the pay off is actually more valuable than the time and money put into it.

What changed as a friend put it was from I can't to "Fuck it". You see, for all that time there were reasons I couldn't. A major one being money. It is not cheap to travel and train. It is not cheap to get enough gear that you can compete on a larger level than your own home group. All of that is true, when it is big bite thinking. Sure, I did not have an extra 350 dollars for a sword that I could use in the steel tournament, but what I did have was 5 dollars, or 10 dollars, or 50 here and there that added up to it. If I cut back on eating at the cafeteria at work one day a week, I could save 7 or 8 dollars. If I did it multiple times, it added up quick. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the now for the bigger pay off. Of course I had heard that before, I knew it, but I still let things stand in my way.  200 for event fees was not easy, nor was 250 for hotel for the weekend, but it became easy when I realized that if I slipped a little money each pay check away (enough that I did not notice it being gone) that it added up on its own. If I helped it by adding to that money I would have spent buying things I did not need like eating out when I could make food at home, suddenly there was a change and it all showed up.

Again, I knew this. I have done it before when things looked a lot harder, but I had let the excuses stand in my way.
The change was moving from "I can't" to "How can I?". It is a minor change, but it has big repercussions. One says there is not a way, the other gets the brain working. "I can't" shuts it down, "How can I?" means that you are looking for ways to. Not big ways, like winning the lottery and that is the only way to get there, but small things like gathering change or doing little side things for a little extra money. "How can I?" means that there is a way, and all I need to do is figure out how to make it work. So, last week, walking into it, I knew it was happening, I was ready, and more to the point, I had made it work.

This does not mean that I am going to everything throughout the year. But it means that here is where I start. It may be next year before I go to another, but 1 a year beats none a year.

All of that being said, here is my review:
I have not been to this casino, or another event so I have nothing to compare it to with that in mind the following happened:
I was put in a pool with 3 other really good fencers.
I did not win any of my bouts (or if I did, it was less important)
I never felt so out classed that I could not keep pace with them. When the head is 4 points, the body is 3, legs 2, and arms 1, a loss of 8 points could mean that you simply lost a couple of exchanges ant they hit you in the head twice. One of my friends who came down with us lost a match by 4 but when you realize it was tied until the last exchange, it is hardly a big loss.

So what did I learn from it? I met some great people in person who I had only exchanged messages online with. I took a lot of classes and picked up a lot of new drills and info. I learned some what I have been doing sloppy for awhile, and needs to be fixed to be able to push myself to the next level. (Tournaments will teach you where your weaknesses are more than in drilling or fun sparring ever will) But I learned something else as well. I learned that I am on the right track. Through classes I realized that some of my instincts are pretty right on. Some are not, but it feels good to know that I am on track, and with a little work could really make that better.

Going in, I was worried. What if I show up and I do look like a fool? What if I show up thinking I know what I am doing and I get my ass handed to me because I am off in left field. What I found out is that I am not. Maybe I am a bit slower, maybe I am not in the shape I want to be, but I am not totally wrong about everything and need to go back to square one with it all. Do I need to work to improve? Of course. Is it a major course correction that requires I throw out all of my ideas on everything and start at square one again? Absolutely not, and that among everything else is the lesson I gained from this weekend. Yes I learned some great tricks and tips some new drills to add to my personal training and things to share with my class, but the confidence that I can at least hold my own and am doing OK even if I am not the best out there makes it all worth it. It was worth the having a sandwich from home for lunch or doing other things to save money so I could get there, instead of using it on other things and complaining that it was never accessible. It was worth all of it, so I could get that lesson. and that is something I can't but help be happy about. It was a fantastic weekend and though the drive was a pain, I learned so much.

In closing I want to say thank you to my wife who encourages me, though she never wanted to learn anything about sword, and will never join my class she is a huge part of it by supporting me in all I am trying to do with it. I also want to thank those who pushed me. The ones I got mad at because they made me push my (perceived) limits. The Mike Edelsons of the world, who made me push my own buttons, and got me riled up enough that I came around to see that though I could not make 10 events a year, 1 or 2 was definitely within reach, and if not that to do something locally. No more excuses. I also want to thank everyone I met this weekend who were so kind to me. It was nice to meet people I have known online for a long long time, but got to meet in person for the first time, some of whom I had the distinct pleasure of crossing blades with for tournament or just for fun.

What a spectacular way to spend my 33rd birthday.

Why do I participate in HEMA?

On a poll online I was asked: what motivates you to study/compete/participate in HEMA,

There were a lot of options but it made me think about it. Why do I do sword? 

To me, it is personal betterment. Any form of self improvement comes down to that. It comes down to this: All my life I have been judged one way or another, all of us have it is a part of being in a cultural society. For a long time my personal value was tied to the things I had or did not have. It was all about what others thought of me, and if they thought badly, It must be something that I needed to fix or prove rather than something that was their perspective. 

So what has changed for me?
6 months ago I did very poorly in my sword competition. My first match was great, the next 2 not so great and I ended up placing where I really had no intention coming in there to be. Things kind of snowballed, I had some bad exchanges in my second match, and got discouraged, now I was down, my third match should have been better but I let the cloud of the first loss run things and so, my third round was not as good as it should have been. This is not to say I had bad opponents, but mentally, because I was not doing well and I let that color how well I was doing. I beat myself in ways that my opponents could not. In light of that, I decided that I needed to work harder internally than I had before, Worry less about how many points I was down, and work more on each exchange, looking at them for feedback. Try something and it did not work? Try again, or do something else. That worked? Great, lets do something else. Have a plan in mind, and let my body execute it. Make the opponent fight the way I want them to, and do what I want. If it does not work, try something else, or try it again. You do not win a match in one large chunk, but by winning the most exchanges. or less with the most points scored.
 What changed for me was the game. 

I am now rounding 3 more training weeks until our local competition. In some ways, I am in much better shape physically than I was last time. I am running several times a week. I am eating better and watching what I am doing more often. I am in no way in peak condition, but I am getting better. I have been taking a Fencing class to spend some time working on the speed of my feet, and feel like in many ways it is helping, and overall I am working on speeding up my slow methodical way of fighting to pick up some faster, and better timed things. 

All of that is recent. 6 months ago, I was winning all of my matches. Now it is hit and miss on how well I am doing, but I feel like somethings are going better and if I can focus those things, and drop the attachment to definite placing I feel that I may be able to do what I need to. For me the fight has to come from inside. I have to focus, even if it is after a few points scored against me. 

A few months back, when I really dedicated myself to running and training multiple times a week. I realized something. Perfection is not a destination, it is not towards perfection that I must strive, but to do as well as I can, each moment, not being, attached to the outcome, but to my pest in each step of the path towards it.  This is what my goal is, this is what I do it for. I will never be the best swordsman in the world. but as long as I am working on it and doing all I can to improve, then that will be enough. Anything short of it, is cheating myself. My instructor wants me to do well, my fellow students want me to do well, but unless I remain focused and dedicated to myself I am cheating myself out of my best. 


Albert Einstein once said: "Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person." 

For me, the reason to persist and continue to push my limits is to become better. It is in training that I learn my limits and sometimes, find out that the limits I have are more imagination than real. I find out just what I am made of, and sometimes I find out that where I thought all I was, was slow and awkward, was really just me limiting what my real potential was. I do HEMA to figure out what I can do, what I may not be able to yet, and sometimes I do it to surprise myself just how little space there is between the two. 

On faith: an evolutionary realization, Not sword related.

This morning I watched the HBO documentary Questioning Darwin, and had an interesting revelation  about faith and purpose for me, as well as my understanding of the world around me.

In the documentary they spoke quite a bit about Charles Darwin's journey and though not talked about in depth they touched on some of his struggle with releasing his findings. In it, they also spoke to some Christians who refute his theory of evolution, preferring the creationist belief that God created the world in 6 days, and it all happened as the bible told under 6,000 years ago. I am not going to get into my take on this as I find it irrelevant, but there was something in all of that which seemed to underlie some of this belief. and it began to make me think about life and meaning and how we as people connect the two.

There were several people who as I heard it anyway said that if the bible was not true, and if the creation of the world was not done as outlined that our lives would not mean as much, and our meaning would be lessened, as if the story of creation is not true, it begins to unravel the fabric of their belief and as such the only way for the rest of the faith in the Bible to be true was for a literal translation of the bible.

I have also heard, over the years that people, without God's laws fall into chaos and would not be good people without the word of God as outlined in the (Christian) bible and so, prayer in school is needed, and teaching of biblical thought, should be required in schools to counter this kind of failure in faith that leads people to do bad things and leave the grace of God himself.

 There are some, who the belief in their faith makes life meaningful for. I do not hear in these cry's desperation, but hope, and faith that they are doing what is right for them because they believe it is right. Along those lines since it is what they believe is right, they would like to encourage others to follow the same path, because it is one that works for them. That there is only one true way, and all who do not follow it, they either do not know better or have not seen the truth in it and should be shown the way.

I have also known plenty of people, who are, as I see them people of good upstanding character who have no faith, or no concept of something beyond themselves that still act in a way that I think most would call good. Some of these call themselves atheist, some call themselves  agnostic, some at one time had a faith that they grew up in, or had at one time in their lives, but through means have fallen away from the faith because of the way that it was practiced or the actions of a person or group of individuals in the faith and as such have not found someplace they feel is their Spiritual home. More to the point, they are not looking for one, it has no purpose to them.

What struck me in this documentary was something that I had not given a lot of thought to, which was, some people rely on their faith to give their lives meaning. To me, that is a great thing. If that means that you go to church and pray and do what you do because it is your belief that it is what God wants you to do and from that you are good to your neighbors, and work to be a good person, then to me that is awesome. If embracing evolution is something that you cannot do because it shakes that, then I understand a reason behind fighting against it, to you, it is an attack on you and your faith without which life simply would not have the same meaning.

So the thing that really strikes me is that we, as humans look for our place in the world. Since long before we had agriculture, and probably since before we were humans even, we have had a burning desire to figure out what that place was. We want to know what happens to us after we die. Is it lights out and that is all? Is it an afterlife in a land of milk and honey? Do we return and live again to become better and better until we can break free from the cycle of life and death?

Ancient people answered these questions different ways. Some answers were in the questions asked. Yes we live on as something else or something more, no, we do not and go to an underworld presided over by Hades, yes we are reborn into another life over and over until we reach perfection, then we are free from the cycle. But what all of these answers created for the ones asking and answering them was a purpose and meaning to life.

I know some Atheist who believe that life is only what we experience with our 5 senses, and that when we come to die, it is only the purpose that we have had here, and the impact that we have made that matters. I also know some Christians who believe that living a good life is important because it means that when we come to die, that we will live a good life after we are gone that we would not had we not been good to one another. I think the irony in both is that without knowing what the person's faith was, you may not be able to tell them apart by the life that they lead. The Atheist helps someone bring in their groceries not because they are building up good Karma here in life, but because it makes them feel good to help out someone else. The Christian who feeds the neighbor kid who they know does not have food at home to eat, may be doing it because it is right to help each other, or because love one another is something they believe in, or even because doing so will help them feel like they are being a good Christian and is good in the eyes of God who, when they come to die, will judge them and so, should be as good as they can.

What matters, regardless of faith, is that we find something that makes life worth it. If Darwin was right, and that shakes your faith so badly that you could not live a good life. Then I support you believing what you do so that you are a good person. If believing that there is nothing more than the life we lead and as such it drives you to be a better person, then at the end of the day it is a good thing as anyway that we as people can make the world better makes it better for all of us.

Maybe it is just me, but I would rather a room full of people who are good regardless of their faith then people who are not, because of their faith. I would rather a christian who is doing good works to help his neighbor because it is the right thing to do, then the one who is mean and terrible to them because they do not agree on the nature of life, and death, and what it all means.

We will not all see eye to eye on things. That is the nature of individuals living together. But that does not mean that because we do not see eye to eye that we cannot be friends based on what we do agree on. I would rather a atheist who does not steal from my house, then someone who shares the same faith that does. I would rather a neighbor who I can greet if I see them on the street, then one who will not talk to me because they do not share my faith. What it comes down to is that it is better to have good people around you who for whatever reason they are doing the right thing are being good people to each other, then 10,000 who share the same belief in the nature of life and death, but who are cruel to those who do not share it.

The last thing I want to say is this. We do not agree 100% on anything I promise you, but why not build laws that support the things we do have in common. No one likes having their stuff stolen. I am not sure there are a lot of people who believe that killing people is a good and just thing to do without definite cause. If we are going to live together, we have to respect each other, we do not have to agree, but you can respect someones right to choice without letting it have bearing on you. I do not smoke, but if I went around beating people up who choose that for themselves, then I would be a jerk and deserve the repercussions of that. So I can do this. Not smoke, choose to not be around those who do, and let those who do, do it, it is their choice and not mine. If there is conflict, lets agree to sit down at the table and talk about solutions that work for both of us, not just my way, or just your way, but a way that is somewhere in the middle, that though not perfect for both, works enough for both of us. If at the end of my life, my decisions are wrong, and my choices were bad ones, then let me face my maker and face my judgement on my own, If you are right, it will happen either way anyway, so let that me my cross to bear, until then lets try to work together rather than

Training and thinking about a lot.

Every man is a hero of his own story.”

― Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker

This has gone through my mind a lot lately. Over the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of running and exercise, and as a part of it, have been posting quite a bit about it on Facebook. In the past, it has been easy to see people posting about their work outs and thinking, good for them, I am happy they are doing something they like, but so what to me?
What occurs to me about it is that when I do the same thing, I am at best, a supporting character in someone else's story, just as they are in mine. What is interesting is the way it makes me think about other people. Here they are, doing their life, and I am doing mine, and to a huge majority of the world, I will be a unknown, as billions of people are to me. If we meet on the street, I am just another person, another face in the crowd, as countless are to me. It is strange to think of it that way, but in a big way, it is important to think that way. Your life is about you, your family, your kids, your friends, the things you are passionate about, the things that you dislike, somewhere in that may be some overlap with my life, but even my wife, who I am the very closest to in my life, is not me or my story 100%. It is an interesting perspective, and something to keep in mind when dealing with others.

With all of that in mind, and given that it has been awhile since I posted, here is what I am working on right now. It may not be your story, but if someone else can get anything out of it, then it is reason enough to share it.
Before the winter, I had started on a couch to 5K program. When it snowed I stopped but was trying to work on staying more active.  In September I weighted 346 pounds, since that time I have lost about 16 or 17 and it fluctuates a lot depending on the day, my diet and whatnot. I have decided that the weight is not as important as how I am doing at certain things, and in that I feel like I am making progress. 3 weeks ago, when I went back to running I was able to start where I left off without a problem so for that I am very happy. In the past 3 weeks thing have changed more and though the number is not changing, I am able to run a lot longer than I could when I started.
Perhaps ability is not the question, but knowing how far I can go, when I would have stopped before.   Since pushing myself a little bit, I am feeling like I can do some things much much better. In sword class when I used to get winded in a match, I can, if not push longer and harder, at very least, not be as winded.

Some other things have come out of the last few weeks that I am really starting to enjoy. At 7:00 almost every night, my wife and I have started turning off the TV and taken the last couple of hours of our evening to read, or in my case, work in the garage, read, exercise or do something else that is not sitting in front of the TV. A key is the DVR, so if there is a show that we usually watch, it can be recorded to watch later. It has really helped me have some control of things since now, I "have the time" to work out.

The other thing was a bit of a slap in the face that woke me up about some things. I was having a discussion with some people in HEMA nationally and was called on some of my stuff about, "I can't do everything because I am fat" the point was, yes, I am overweight. There is not a scale I have seen that puts me at healthy, but what matters is that regardless of my size, if I am not training to my potential, nothing I am doing will make any difference, and I will keep excusing it by saying that I am the big fat kid. But more than that a few people I know, that I have never met in person told me that if I wanted something bad enough they believed that I had it in me to go for it.
More to the point, in 3 months from now, I am going to my first Sword event that is not a local thing. It is a bit scary, what if I do not do well, what if I shame myself or my class? What if I do not pour into my matches all that I have and in holding back show just how unskilled I feel I am at times? What then? This is also over my 33rd Birthday weekend, so it is another time of transition in my life.
All of those what if's have turned into reason to train harder and do more than I have before. What was good enough, (going to class, exercising there, then not doing much outside of class) has changed. If I am going to get better, I cannot just let what I have been doing be enough. As a result I have been pushing myself harder, and noticing results. Now it is time to level it up, If something is better than nothing, then something more is better than something.
What it all comes down to is remembering that I am the Hero of my story, and as such no one is going to make me better if I am not doing anything about it myself. No one is going to push me harder or farther than I am willing to go, and no one is going to make me better if I don't do it myself. Guess it is time to hero up, and get things done.