Day 82 Some things are hard but they should be.

Punchy,
My app on my phone said yesterday that you are the size of an eggplant. I am not sure about that but I do know that your mom talks more and more about you moving and sometimes, when you cooperate, I can feel you move. Most of the time she puts my hand on your belly and you stop, as if you know I am there and you are trying to be sneaky. At least that is what I think.

Yesterday I had to do something that was pretty hard. I had to fire an employee. This is not the first time I have let people go. Since I have been a supervisor I have had several times I had to let someone go, but most often they left on their own, or went on medical leave and just never came back. I can't go into details here but they have worked for me for a long time and it was not easy.

Some things are not easy. Some times you have to make calls that you would rather not make. You have to break up with someone whom it is just not working with, you may have to let someone go off a job, or you may have to make a tough call that they are not going to like. It is not an easy thing, but it has to be done. It's good that these things are not easy. If you could break someones heart, or fire them, or make a tough call or mark a paper failing, with no heartache at all I would have to question your humanity.

Ultimately, you have to do what is right, make a decision based on how you see it. It's not easy, you will get some things wrong. That is just a fact. You may choose to leave someone only to realize you made a mistake later and it is too late to fix it. There is such a thing as too late to fix it. Sometimes you have to make a call and live with the consequences for the rest of your life good or bad. As the Boy Scout motto says, "Do your best". Some things need a quick decision. If you find yourself agonizing over what to eat for breakfast, pretty soon it is not going to be breakfast anymore but lunch or dinner.

Some things can wait, others can't, know the difference. Sometimes someone else will make that decision for you. When I worked at Bombay I used to not put things on hold. If I wanted it and it went on sale and it took me a bit to buy it then it was mine, but if someone else bought it it was theirs. If I did not care when it sold, I did not really want it in the first place. Try this: If you can flip a coin and not feel excited or let down by either result, it does not matter to you. If you flip an coin and it comes up one way and you are disappointed by the result, then pick the one you feel excited about.

My point here is that sometimes you have to make a call or miss your opportunity but don't let the need for a decision hold you back from making the right one. If I waited until I was sure about every call I make in sword, I would not make many calls that were not picture perfect. Sometimes it is on you to make a call. Sometimes you will make the wrong one, but in the end it is what it is. If you find yourself in a place where things are hard to decide, take solace in the fact that it is not easy. If you have to make a decision on a report in school, don't wait forever to decide on what to do, but just make a decision, so you can get started on it. Better to decide and be able to start working on it than to decide at the last minute and do it poorly because you started so late.  If I am a judge in a sword match and I am not totally sure what happened it is OK to not make a call, ask the fighters to clean it up and move on.

Some things warrant waiting, they warrant making the right and well thought out call, others not so much. You have to look at your priorities and decide which for you is which. At the end of my life I am pretty sure I will not regret taking so and so to the High School dance, but what I will regret is the times I did not ask the person I wanted to because I let my fear get in the way. You may never know what life will give you if you ask, but you have to decide if it is worth the risk. Sometimes the decisions will be hard, sometimes they will be the wrong ones, but it is the hard ones that make us human, and it is from those hard decisions that we are able to see through to our own humanity.

Love you kiddo-
Dad

83 Days How I started, Left, and came back to sword.

Punchy
As your mom and I were talking last night she brought up some good points that I may need to cover in this blog. One of them is that I have not really talked about sword except by loose reference. Also to that point, I cannot say that things will always be the way they are now, so it may be worth it to try to get some of this down while I remember it. (This may be the same with several things) All of that being said, I may be shifting directions some. While still writing this blog every day until you are born, I may also write once a week or so as you are growing up just what is going on around our house, what if anything is new with you. so that it is documented somewhere. We will see where this goes but I like the idea.

OK, so sword.
I joined the UCSA in January of 1999. At that time, I had friends in class who were doing it and it sounded like a fun thing to do. At that time we were using wooden swords that we cut out of 2X4's and our guards were made of plywood that we cut out with a jigsaw. We then took all of that and wrapped it in duct tape, or electrical tape. Things were very different then but it was a start. I have a collection of some of these swords in the garage if you ever want to see them. (Some are mine some are not) As for manuals there were not really any that we used. We followed what our instructor Knight Stallion had been taught from his instructor. As time progressed some of our students began studying a few books by John Clements that you could find at the local library.

This was a different age for sure. To me it feels like we allowed more variety of weapons, and I remember at one point people shooting bows with Tennis balls at the ends so they could safely shoot them at people though indirectly. We often had "night games" which was completely unofficial but was a bunch of us getting together on Saturday nights and doing more sparring or fun sword related games like warfare's, or hide and go seek with swords, as well as variations on capture the flag. It often turned into a social hour as well as many of us were there because we so enjoyed sword that it was a great way to socialize with the stuff and the people we liked spending time with.

As for the weapons, none of them were well balanced. That is the nature of the beast. We did what we could to add pommels or to bring the weight to the back but I don't ever remember a sword that balanced as it should have been but they were relatively easy to make and relatively cheap to make so they served a great purpose. Customization was a big deal. To that end we had an unwritten rule that if someone put tape on their grip in a particular combination or way, that was theirs and no one else was supposed to do the exact same. (I think in part this was based around being able to identify your sword from the others in class.) We named our swords, and after 5 weeks of class we were given Swordsman's names, This was not something that you picked out for yourself, but was often based on how you fought, and if you had any preferences for something you could always suggest it and it would be taken into consideration. I liked Dragons so I suggested that I wanted that to be a part of my name. The day I was supposed to be given my name I was sick as a dog, I had been home from school sick just before it but I showed up because I wanted to have my name dammit! I was presented with the name Dragon Fyre, I promptly went home and stayed home the rest of the day after that.

I loved sword, but as happens sometimes life does get in the way. I won my first trophy that was not a participation trophy the summer of 1999. It was a big deal to me and I have tried to make a good place for it in my home since then. After awhile I took a break from sword because in my words I was going to be a minister and I could not balance in my mind the study of war, while being about peace in my work. I did come back at one point at study with Marc's class while it was going mostly because I worked on Saturdays at the Bombay Company and in retail, Saturdays are generally non negotiable. As for protection it was a hodge podge of what people had or wanted to use for protection. I remember at one point wearing soccer arm pads for my arms, and a paintball mask but things were far from standard. As for target areas we did not allow hits to the head, since no one had sufficient face protection, and if they did it was not across the board used.

Some time after his class stopped meeting, as I hear it the UCSA broke up. At that point, as I have been told we had 60 or more people in class every week. Dues were a dollar a month to cover costs, and we had grown to having so many people in class I can't say that I know everyone who is or was in sword at some point within our organization. I can't speak to the break up as I do not know all of the details.

As I understand it, it was sometime after that that Crusader (Michael Ricks) began teaching his class at through Granite peaks. He changed a lot of things, tried some new one but what it meant for the UCSA was that it survived the break up of the big class and began its transition to HEMA as we know it. Eventually they would move to wooden wasters which move a lot better than the swords we used to use. (Though with the duct tape ones, the more you used them, the softer they hit as the wood broke up inside the tape and eventually it was the tape that kept them to the shape.) Some of our fighters who have been with us a long time are from this time in the evolution of our organization. Right now that means Heather and Jack mostly.

Coming back to the park
In the spring of 2009 Knight Sentry/Travis announced that he was going to start holding class at Liberty again. At that time your cousin Emily was living with me and I thought it would be fun to start back in class, and if she wanted to learn it would be a great time for her to do so. I never could have known at that time how much it would go on to shape my free time and my life. By this point in time, and through the change of class and the evolution of class, we were using Purple Heart wooden wasters, they had studied Fiore so that was what our curriculum was based on as well as adding in some of the things from our old curriculum. Most things were back, though ranks were not for a time, and some things had evolved. When we had swordsman's names originally we often had people who showed up in class for 5 weeks, would get a name then we would never see them again. The challenge is that we had a rule that said we would never reuse someones name or parts of it so things eventually got complicated with them.

When we came back names were given to those at a certain rank but only there. The first ranks were based on knowledge. the next ones were based on physical requirements, and it went on from there. For a long time we did not include the head in our sparring and practice because people simply did not have head protection. For awhile we went on our own, but a year later, we joined the HEMA Alliance a somewhat recently formed group who provided non-profit status and insurance protection as well as a large umbrella work under.

I was the first proponent of joining. Offically I bought a membership in November, and by December we were a member organization.  It made sense to have insurance protection, and it provided us with an opportunity to talk to and work with other groups who did the same thing. It took another year for us to move to mandated head protection and scoring the head as a viable target, but eventually it came, as did moving from wood to synthetic weapons exclusively. I will admit, at this early point in time, I was not a respected member of the community. I tended to complain about things too much, how unfair it was that so much in the community was tied into events that were thousands of miles away.

In January of 2012 we went on vacation to Puerto Rico, and I was able to spend a class time teaching them technique and sparring with them. A funny thing happens when you visit other clubs. It often turns into a "Who wants to fight THIS guy?" thing. People who you have never sparred with want to fight you often most of them. It is really a funny way to make someone feel welcome but it works.

In 2011 I started dating your mom, and we were married in May of 2012, bought the house in September of 2012 and by October we held our first Great Pumpkin Festival. This was an opportunity to get together with my sword friends, partake in pumpkin related food and drink, and take out the sharp and cut pumpkins. I had bought the Hanwei Tinker blunts for myself the Christmas of 2011 (as well as other sword things) and I had picked up the sharp blade not too long after, though it rarely came out. For the parties we bring out my sharp, Machetes, and anything else that will cut a pumpkin. It was a blast, and something that we did for the next couple years. (We are not hosting it this year, you are due too close to when we normally hold it.)

In 2012 we started researching German techniques, and in 2013-2014 we had a German exchange student who really helped us learn and practice those techniques.

In the winter of 2014 something changed. By that time I had placed again in our local tournament and I felt pretty good about how I was doing. Then I heard about Combat Con. Your mom and I looked at the calendar and saw that in 2014 it was happening over my birthday weekend. I had always wanted to go to an event, meet people, take classes and compete on a bigger level. By this point in time I was wearing most of the required protection for it Jacket, Mask, Gorget, Lacrosse gloves.  Elbow protection, Knee protection, would be picked up before the tournament, and for the first time we were going to be walking on a bigger stage then we ever had.

Being that this was the first event we had attended as a group, we pooled money together and made sure our Instructor could make it down there too. The next thing that came from it was that at one time we found out that it was a bring your own steel tournament, with none of the swords we had being eligible to be used in it. It was almost a time to give up on it until your mom said to me, if you need it, we will figure out a way to do it. Within a few days I had a credit card to buy one with, and by the end of the event I had a second one so now we can and sometimes do practice with steel. At this time things shifted from, "We can't make it to events" to "What do we need to do to get us there." It was a game changer. We walked away with a lot that we had learned, but the biggest take away was the perspective change, and the fact that we had gotten there, fought our best, and at no point felt so overwhelmed that we felt we were so out of our league with everyone. Sure we got beat by some people but we went stride for stride with others. Not the best, but definitely not the worst.

In October we went to Disneyland, and while I was down there I met and spent time with some people who I had met in Vegas. Some of these people are helping me get better even though miles and miles separate us. They want me to succeed because as I said yesterday, they believe in me and it is hard not to feel good about that.

In preparation Combat Con, and to pick up some different techniques and work on moving my feet.  I started taking Olympic fencing in January of 2014. By this last spring I started helping coach Sabre. and this year I made it back to Combat Con 2015. It was a great experience and something I may make a yearly tradition. but I wont go into a lot of detail as I have gone into it extensively on other blogs.

Where I am going from here I don't know. Right now I am filling in coaching when Travis is not in class. One day soon, I want to be teaching more. There is a conflict sometimes between teaching and training yourself, but I have found the better fighters in the community do what they can to practice both. For me, in many ways, Sword is life. I am passionate about it, it is something I love. and though your mom is not involved in it, she supports me in it because it gives me such joy. If you can do that for someone do it. You do not have to do exactly what they do to support them, you can encourage them and help them in ways that are not directly connected.  Your mom loves to bake, I don't so the way I support her is helping her get things she wants or needs for that. (Though she is keeping track, and I owe her a lot in for the Kitchen!)

So that is a brief history of sword and my participation in it. It is not all there, I could write a book on what all is not included, but as I feel I have gone on too long it is what it is.
-Dad

Day 84 Surround yourself with people who build you up.

Punchy,
In life you will find people who want you to do your best. They want you to succeed because they believe in you. You will also find people who tear you down because it somehow makes them feel better about themselves. You may not always know which are which, but I want you to know that the ones you want to spend time with are the ones who build you up, not tear you down. It can be complicated, but it is worth it.

In life, may I suggest you build relationships and friendships with  people who want you around, enjoy your company, encourage you when you are down, and sometimes push you to be a better person. Is it hard to be with these people? Is it hard to be one of these people? It can be. When they want you to give it your all and you do not feel like it it can be a hard. There are people all over the world who believe in me. Many of them are my friends in HEMA. My Instructor is one of them, there have been times he has told me that he feels like I am, or at times can be one of the best in class. I have friends who live long long car rides away who are, right now, trying to help me get better at what and how I practice because they see in me the potential to do better. I may never be the best in the world, but that does not matter, what means the world to me is that I have people who believe in me and support me.

At the end of June, I went to my second Combat Con. For the steel tournament they had a new rule. In order to compete you had to pass a cutting qualifier. I was worried about it and so I asked one of my friends who lives in California for some help. He posted a video for me that gave me some pointers. At the end of the day I knew that whatever happened I was going to go in there and give it my all. I failed. Not as bad as others had but it was crushing for me. I was not out of competing, but I was out of doing the steel tournament. I told your mom via Text about it and her first response was "Sad. At least you can compete in synthetic." After a weak response of "yep" she said "What can we do so you can pass next time?"  That was it. No time in the muck, no time to feel bad about myself and how much I was not doing what I wanted to. What do we need to do to make sure that it goes better next time? I went on to do well in my matches and had it not been for some mistakes on my part I would have done much better in my pool matches.

After it was all said and done I came home with friends who want to see me succeed. I have sent video to them and they have sent me feedback. They are my away team, the guys I know will stand in my corner if I do not have someone to do it for me. They want to see me succeed because they believe I can. Those kind of people are the right people to have around. People who know you can do better, and encourage you to do it. They are not always the easiest people to hang out with. Sometimes pushing you means that when you fail it feels like you have let the team down. It means that they encourage you and sometimes that looks like being pushy, but I would rather a world full of those kind of people then a world full of friends who tear you down so they feel better about themselves; the later are not worth spending time with.

People who tear you down do not care if you are there or not. They take joy in making you look bad or in showing just how much you are inferior to them. To be honest, these kind of people are not secure in themselves so they need you to make them feel better. You may feel like you have failed the people who build you up, but they will not be the ones to make you feel that way. With people who build you up they know what it is like to feel like you have failed, and they will help you move on to fixing it. With people who tear you down, even a minor mistake is cause for making you feel like you have majorly messed up. You cannot avoid these people, they may be a part of your life, but you can limit the control they have over you.

Spend time with people who push you intellectually, people who take joy in your successes (not credit for them), people who see the best you can be, even if you cannot see it yourself. People who build you up even if it means that sometimes they push you past limits you think you have. They are the best coaches, the best teachers. Not the ones who mark something wrong and leave it at that but who look at what you are missing and ask, "What do we need to do so you pass next time.". They may be few and far between but they are the ones you want on your team, and the best way to get them on yours is to find people whom you can do the same for, find people you believe in, and encourage them.

The more you build people up the better off you leave the world.

-Dad

85 Days Our story (or, we really want you here)

Punchy,

I do not talk about it a lot because it is a hard thing to talk about but we really want you here.

Let me go back to the beginning, Before you were on your way and growing, before your mom and I were married, let’s go way back.

When I was a kid, I had an invisible sweet heart when I was little my mom tells me. I always felt like my purpose was to find the right person to love and to have a home and children. How many children was up for debate as it was not entirely my decision. As time went on I had ups and downs. People who I dated and loved, and those who I wanted to date but never was given a chance. First of all, no one owes you anything when it comes to this. The bad news (it sometimes feels) is that no one owes you a chance to date them, the good news is that you owe it to no one to date them. When I was 14 I had a girl friend who, I am sorry to say I "dated" because she wanted to date me. The reason dated is in quotations is that we never went anywhere or did anything outside of school.

Eventually dating did get some easier, I liked people and felt good enough about myself sometimes that I felt comfortable asking them out. Easier is not easy. Dating is complicated, and often things are harder than they need to be since you have 2 people with emotional baggage getting together and hoping that they can work it out in the long run.

When I met your mom, we were both on an online dating service. We talked for a bit quite a lot then things kind of stopped. It is my fault, I messaged her back "OK" and she felt it was a conversation killer as I did not expand on that or anything. Weeks later I started talking to her again and finally we did meet though not without more trouble. She was up from Provo one day and wanted to meet after her family thing. I won't lie, it was in the back of my mind, but it was a Saturday after sword and frankly I spaced it. The next time we were going to meet I had made plans with someone and they were canceled. I asked if she wanted to meet and she said that she did not want to play second fiddle to anyone. (Something I respect) We met that night and I will not forget, when I left I thought that she could very possibly be the one.

I was not always smart. I still went on dates with other people for a bit since she and I were not an exclusive thing. She called me on it (your mom is good about that) and at that point I stopped dating anyone but her. As things got serious and we started spending more and more time together I knew that it was a serious thing. Years ago, a friend of mine and I decided that there needed to be rules about dating. Silly things like you must date someone for X amount of time before marrying them, or they must want the same amount of kids you do, etc.  With your mom, I broke many of those rules and here is where you come in.

Before we were engaged, She told me that because of some medical conditions (PCOS) she had been told that she may never be able to have kids. When she told me that, it was something that was very hard for me to hear. I had from the time I was very young wanted to be a dad. To have kids, eventually I had settled on the number (2 would be enough). What this meant was if I stayed with her, there was a possibility that we would never have kids and it was something that was hard to hear. I may never have the chance to have children that were my own. We talked a lot about it and decided that at some time we would try, and if we could not, then maybe we would adopt or something. Shortly there after we were engaged and then married.

The house we live in was sort of meant to be. My mom’s real estate friend told me that he had a house that we needed to see. (This was 2 months after we were married) Your mom and I looked at the pictures online and were not so sure, but thought we would humor him. When we walked into that house we were sold. It would take a lot of things falling in line but we knew we needed that house. 2 very long months later I found myself giving up the apartment that had meant so much to me, it was my first place on my own, it was a place with many memories, both good and bad, it had some downs but it was my place. To move it meant giving all that up, and to walk into a place that was not mine, but was ours.

When we decided that we wanted to start trying we knew it would be a hard road. Your moms doctors had not said that it would be hard for nothing. We tried on our own for several months, and after that started at the fertility clinic. (WE REALLY WANTED YOU TO BE HERE!) The months with the fertility clinic were up and down. Every month we had good signs I gave your mom injections to release the eggs, but for a while, 2 weeks later we found out that it had not worked and we were back to the beginning again.  Finally, we heard the good news. On Valentines morning we found out that your mom was pregnant with you. I won't lie. That morning I had stayed up way too late so when she told me she had a plus sign, It took me a second to figure out exactly what that meant.

For a while we did not tell anyone. We did not want to get too excited, the first 12 weeks are a rough time, and not everyone makes it through it. Since that time though as the weeks have gone by we are just getting more and more excited. We started a registry the other day, your room is ready, we have a few small things to do before you get here but we will be ready. I have waited my whole life to meet you, and we will get to soon. It has not been an easy road. We have had the ups and downs, but I want you to know that I am in your corner, no matter what. Sometimes you will stumble, that is when you get back up and just keep going. Sometimes you will make some mistakes, make sure that you correct them and do right the next time. You are what would have been called in any other time a miracle, and we are glad to welcome you here. I will do my best to help you learn and grow, to teach you to be a good man, but regardless of how things go, always remember that we want you here, and we are excited to meet you.

-Dad

Day 86 speak to what you know

Little guy,
You are now 86 days from what your mom is calling your guess date. Whether you are born on the 22nd of October or not, I would rather you be ready to be out here than to come too soon because we are so excited. Yesterday we celebrated your Great Grandpa Hinckleys 89th Birthday with cake and Ice Cream at his house. When I was born we got a picture with My Great Grandpa Silas, My Grandpa Tharon, and My Dad Tharoll and I, it was one of the few that were taken with the 4 Hinckley men together. You are hardly the first Great Grandson but it is my hope, and my dads too that Grandpa will stay with us long enough to do be able to do the same thing for you.

I have been writing much more for you these last weeks, but today I want to talk about 2 things that kind of go hand in hand. Speaking to what you know, and when you don't finding out as much as you can so if you need to you can speak to it. 

I want to start out by telling you that I do not know everything, Far from it. I can't promise that if you listen to the advise I give you that you will live a wealthy, successful and happy life.  I wish I could, but that is just not a promise I can, in good conscience make you. What I can tell you is to listen to things that people tell you and ask yourself does what they are telling me make reasonable sense, and if not why not. You may not always get the answers you are looking for, but sometimes you may be able to tell the reality from the made up stuff they are building into it. 

An example of this would be if someone is telling you that they were late to work because they got a flat tire on the way in. They then go and explain that it must be the neighborhood kids who did something to it just so he would be late to work this morning of all mornings when he has the big meeting. From that I can read he got a flat tire, he does not like the neighborhood kids, or possibly does not trust them. Is it possible them messed with his tire so he got a flat on the road on the way to work? Maybe, but is it likely? No. There is a big difference between causation and coincidence. our minds are wired to look for coincidence, to find things that would make sense as to the cause of something. It is a survival thing from a long time ago. If Bob eats a banana and falls down dead, you may not want to eat the banana he did. Does that mean it caused is death? No, but it is a little better safe than sorry. 

To that point, I suggest that you speak to things you know. That does not mean in class never raise you hand, but it does mean when you are in conversations with people if you do not know something to be true, don't speak to that point. Speculate if you need to, talk about similar things that you do know, but one way to be made a fool is to not know what you are talking about and to fight for it strongly. Lets say your friends are talking about a show they watched last night that you didn't get to see. It is far better to sit it out and observe some of what they are talking about then to make up things just to be in the conversation. "Remember when that guy got hit with a banana? that was hilarious!" is not likely to come across as something that is likely to have happened or clue you in to the conversation. It is easier to tell the truth about things then to make up stories that you then have to support with facts. Sometimes that means trying to change the topic of conversation to something you do know, but better that, then to be caught in a lie that you have to try to get out of. Tell the truth, and speak to what you know about. 

There was a time a few years ago that I would try to jump into many online conversations. I saw that people were talking about something and I really wanted to be a part of it. The problem that I found was that if I did not have a good solid context for the conversation, I was seen as random and coming from no where. I may have had something to contribute, but because I was way out of context, people did not listen to me. These days I try to keep my nose out of things I have no understanding of. Sometimes that means asking questions to people who do know, sometimes it means watching things to see what I can learn about a topic, sometimes it means asking clarifying questions to understand  what is being talked about. 

In general I will avoid things about German Long sword technique. I am too new to it, I do not know it well, I do not speak the lingo. If someone is talking about something in general like Oblique strikes or something, I have no problem talking about how I think it works or how it should be performed but when it is something like "When Meyer says to do X what does it mean? " I avoid it. Not because I may not have an opinion, but because I do not have the foundation enough to speak to it. Let it go by, let others speak to it. It is not up to you to solve all of the worlds problems, Just to do what you can. 

Speak to what you know, and let others speak to what they know, ask questions, learn more, maybe some day what you know will be what they do. But there is no reason to have to chime in to everything, just say what you know or can relate to, everything else will work itself out. 

Love you kiddo

-Dad

Day 87 Unplug sometimes.

Punchy,
As I wrote yesterday, over the past few days we spent time out camping with the Stephenson reunion. I am sure that this will be a tradition you will always remember, even if it is not for a few years before you remember it.
On Friday night a few of us went shooting, it is not something I have done for a long time but it was a lot of fun, and may be something I do again.
While we were camping I had my phone turned off. Most of the time your mom and I used very few electrical things. Flashlights were really the only things we used. Part of the reason for that is that up in the canyon we did not get really good cell phone reception, and to tell you the truth, it is kind of a nice thing. If I had been able to have my phone on, it would not have lasted all day either way, but more to the point it meant that we needed to talk to each other, make real connections. Sit around the camp fire and tell jokes and riddles without being able to google them.

When I was growing up, we did not have all of that. The first cell phones I remember were a scout master who had one some time in the early 90's. At that time there may have been internet but very few people were on it. To find the answer to something you had to look it up at a library. or mail something through the postal service. Many of those things have changed. We are now so hyper connected that some small talk does not happen anymore since we can know from social media what is going on for whom as long as they make it public. We can find the answer to stupid things like "Where do I know that actor from?" at the touch of a button. Where we miss things is having real life human connections. We may hear a thousand things about what someone is doing over the course of a year, but may never say hello to them when we see them on the street. We may know that something happened to them but never mention it in in real life.
The age of the Internet has connected us in ways that were never possible before, but where we miss the boat is that there is an ability to hide behind a screen instead of interacting with each other really.
That is where it is important to unplug sometimes. Over the course of a day, between work, Facebook, Email, and the like I get many notifications. Most of them are trivial in the grand scheme of things. When we got to camp, I turned off my phone, and it did not come on until we were on our way down the canyon. During that time, the world did not blow up, we did not go to war with some new nation, the world changed very little.
What did happen while we were camping is that I was able to talk to people, spend time with people, (or alone) and not have the world at my fingertips. That is not to say I am turning off my phone all the time, but sometimes it is good to unplug. Be with the people you are in a room with, or read a book alone. Sometimes you need to unplug. Sometimes we need to disconnect from the world around us and connect with the world right in front of us.
Take time to unplug some times, you will find that the connections you make go much further than the ones you find only online.

Love you kiddo,
-Dad

Day 88 Family

Little Guy,
This post is being combined for Saturday and Sunday quite simply because we were at the Stephenson reunion on Saturday. This one is a little special since this is the first time in many many years that your Grandpa Stephenson has been with all his siblings at one time. Due to people living all over they do not get together, or see everyone that often. This is also the 1st reunion that we have had the camper and as such its a new and different experience for me. It is part tent, part clubhouse, part home but definitely neat. We are finding out now what things make you jump around. The other day we found out you like orange juice and this morning after breakfast, with all the sugar we found out that the sweetness makes you dance around. It is neat.

Family matters.
Sometimes Family seems like people you may not know well. We don't always spend a lot of time with them but family is important. Friends will stand by you through thick and thin, some of them will always be a part of your life even when you have not seen  them for years, but Family will always be there. Your great Grandma Hinckley was always big on that. I am sorry you did not get to meet her. She was a neat lady and though she did not always agree with us on things, in the end she supported us even if she did not agree because we were family. She always said that you don't divorce family, and at her funeral several of the Ex wives of the Hinckley men were there. You don't divorce family little man. People may come and go into your life but Family is always there, and should be, at least I think so. I do not agree with all my family all the time, but they are family and family is important.

You do not get to pick who you are related to, even if sometimes you wish you could choose not to be related to that cousin, or uncle, or something. Eventually, you get to pick the person you are married to and their family. I have a little advise when it comes to that. You may not love all of your in laws, and that makes a difference, but love the person you are married to and it will work alright. That family is a part of the person you marry. The helped mold and shape them, helped make them the person they are, and if you are lucky, they will take you in as part of the family as well. Family matters. I may not be a Stephenson, but they have brought me in as a part of the family and that is something that is really neat.

You may have friends who are that way. You will have aunts and uncles who you are not related to by blood, but as far as anything goes, they are family. The truth is in all of that, it is different. Do not judge that to be less important, after a time, some people you have known for long enough are as near as family, but blood is different. It may not be a part of my personal faith, but I agree that no matter where you go, the people you grow up with will mold and shape the person you become in ways you may never comprehend. Family is important son, and I am so excited to have you be a part of ours.

-Dad

89 Days: Pain and sorrow

You are now 89 days from us. I am excited for the day you are born and I can see your face in person.

On Wednesday night your mom asked me a difficult question.
"When you write the Blog for the baby will you talk about the hard times and struggle too?"
My dear son.
I have now been writing for you the better part of a week and given you advise on finding your passion, doing what you love, as well as some advise on some other things. I feel like so far I have painted a world that is colorful and bright and joyful all the time. What I have not given you is the contrast.

When I was 11 I attempted suicide. I was down (though not as down as I would ever be) I was frustrated with my life, and my lack of achievement, the girl I had a crush on would hardly give me the time of day. It was bad. I wanted to end it all, I wanted to get out. Later I would realize that it was a cry out for help. Though in that moment, things were pretty dark.

When I was 25 a break up with a girl whom I really loved nearly took me to the edge again. I had poured everything into the relationship only to have it go south. She had someone new, she had moved on and I felt empty and alone. This time though, I caught myself, got some help and was able to build myself up again.

In both cases, I wanted to stop breathing. Just stop. As if I could take one last breath and all the pain would be gone. I felt lost, alone, I felt that there was nothing left for me. I wanted to be gone; just disappear. I had lost the sense of self that I had. What I found, going through those times is, that when something inside you dies, something new is born. Both times I found some help, the last time I found that when she and I had been dating I had wrapped all of who I was into the relationship, and when it ended, really ended,  I found that I had lost myself. I had spent months trying to be the guy she wanted to be with and what I found out was when it was all over she did not want the guy she said she wanted to be with. Life can be confusing, try not to loose yourself in it. It happens, things will absorb your sense of self but at the end of the day remember that you are not those things, but lots of things.

The world is not all good things all the time. There are things that will hurt. I don't talk about my depression often. I don't talk a lot about it, but it does run in the family. There are days that I do not want to get up and get going. Days that I would rather stay home in bed, I have no motivation, despite things being OK, I feel frustrated, and annoyed, like wearing an itchy wool sweater that does not fit right, something just seems to bother me all day, sometimes it lasts more than a day. It does not happen as much now that I stay regular on my medication but sometimes it does happen.

There is an old story about a King who was looking for a new councilor, his request was that those interested bring him something that would make him happy when he was sad, and something that was sad when he was happy. One day man came to him with a simple gold ring. The King was confused how this would make him happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy until he read the inscription. "This too shall pass."

The way that I get through it is that like everything else you have choices. Sometimes, deep in depression, they are hard to see but hey are there. The darkness seems to be everywhere, it feels like nothing you can do will get you out of it. When that happens, keep moving forward. It sounds like horrible advise I know, but this too shall pass. Sometimes the answer is to reach out to people who can help you. It may not be people you are close to, (in fact, having been there when I was in my teens they feel like sometimes the people who loved me unconditionally were felt like the worst people to help) sometimes you just need to talk, or write it out, or get out and do something, anything to keep moving. Sometimes medication helps balance things, if that is ever the case lets talk and see what we can do.  I wish I could say you will never know depression, you will never feel alone, you will never loose sight of the things that make you happy, but I can't. What I do know is that sometimes you may need or want to reach out for help. If it can't be your mom or I, still seek it out. that is what matters. I can't promise you that it will never rain, but I can promise you it won't last forever, and sometimes, just sometimes there will be rainbows.

90 days: Respect

90 Days.
90 Day action plan,
a Quarter of a year(ish)
That is how long it is until you are due. little guy.
At Costco last night we saw the first of the Halloween costumes. Normally,  I would roll my eyes and complain that it was far too early. This year though we are not excited for Halloween, or the Great Pumpkin Festival (something we are not hosting this year), but you, little man.  I told your mom last night that I am running out of topics that I can think of easily to write to you about, then she gave me a few things that will be on the docket coming up soon. Because some things at work, today I am going to tackle a topic I do not talk or think much about, mostly because I feel I handle it alright most of the time but we could all do better. Respect.

In life you will be asked to respect a lot of things, people, places, things,  (all nouns, you are never asked to respect a verb, or an adjective or an adverb) opinions, even yourself. There will be things you disagree about or dislike. Maybe it is someones belief about something you do not agree with, their politics, faith, way of doing something. I ask you one thing in this, you do not have to roll over and let their right overpower your own, but you do have to be respectful about it. That means not calling them dumb or attacking them over the disagreement, they are not the point of the contention, that opinion or belief is. You may find yourself not agreeing with what people do or say. That is no excuse to attack them as a person for it.
Respect means that you hold yourself in high enough regard that you can tell the truth about the situation and if needed, get out of it. Say you are at a party and someone is smoking. Respect says that you do not have to punch them in the face to get them to stop, you can ask them to do so somewhere else, or not to do so at all around you, or if you were the one who walked where they were, if you do not like it you can go some place else. The root of respect is that you value yourself enough that you get out of the situation if it bothers you or have a discussion with them about it, but never insult or fight them as a person. Online, it can be easy to argue, call people dumb, make fun of something they enjoy or what have you. Just because it is easy does not make it right.
It all comes down to respecting yourself enough that if you disagree, you can talk about it but leave it there. The moment you attack someones beliefs or opinions, or something they hold dear, they can take it as an attack on them and that is a sure fire way to get them to shut down and not even consider your point of view; this goes doubly for politics and religion.
You see, people identify with some things. They say "I am a Christian", "I am a Liberal", "I am an Atheist" and it all means something very personal to them. The moment you attack it, it can be seen as you in essence saying "I disagree with you about X which means it is invalid, which in turn means you are invalid" it is a tough thing to feel. What I encourage you to do is to ask them what that thing means to them, find the common ground. There will be people who say "I am Christian." and wear it as a badge of honor, but if you are not sure what that means to them ask, respectfully. You may be surprised the answers you get, or the common ground you find.
No matter whether you agree with someone, you must respect them, and their right to believe it. Years ago I was at a Gay Pride festival, and there were protesters there. There were also people who were trying to provoke a response from them by kissing in front of them. That is the wrong way to respect each other. They have a right to protest. That does not mean you have to agree with their "God Hates Fags" signs but they have a right to protest. Just like you have a right not to listen or talk to them, you can respect them by not giving them power over you and your actions. Remember, Respect is first and formost about respecting yourself. The moment you give someone else the control over you, you have stopped respecting yourself.
If I am at a bar, and someone punches me who is in control of my actions? I am. I am always at choice about my actions. Because they hit me does it mean that I have to break their nose? Nope. Is it an option? If it needed to be yes, if it was the only way I am going to get out of the situation, yes, should it always be an option on the table? Nope. Respecting yourself is all about being in control of you and the things you do. Do you have to get into every fight out there? If you feel like you do, I have to ask what do you think about yourself, that you have to fight every time you can. A man looking for fight is sure to find one. Respect all starts with you. You control your actions and your words. Just because you think of a sly comeback does not mean that you have to insult someone with it. Respect is about playing on your court by your rules, don't like what someone else thinks or says? You do not have to play with them, you may have to work with them, or go to the same school or the like, but you do not have to be their friend. Respect is about playing on your field making your choices about how to respond, even if sometimes the response is to walk away so you are not getting any more hurt. That is a part of being a self respecting human.

-Dad

91 Days: Money

Hey little guy,
Today is the 22nd of July, so it is just about 91 days until you are due. Keep up the growing! Your mom is saying that if you keep it up at this rate, you may be about 10 pounds when you are born. Whether you are 10 or 6 we will still love you anyway.

Since it is the 22nd and we get paid at the University around the 7th and 22nd every month I thought I would talk to you today about money.
Money is a tool, though there are a lot of people who disagree about that. It is a way to get you the things you want and need, It is a way to show the value you place in the service they provide. (Tips, raises, etc.) There are also those who say it is the root of all evil. ( I disagree, but sometimes it is a challenge to be overcome) Here is the deal, If you want something in life you have to be willing to work for it. There are some tools that can help you get it, but you have to remember that they are tools, nothing more.

Credit cards are a great way to give yourself a "Loan" for something you need to pay for now, but will be paying back and more that it would cost. They are not a permanent solution, but they can give you a little joy when you are able to buy things now, as long as you are willing to pay more in the long term it is a trade off. This morning, when I looked at one of my cards for example I had a little more as a balance than I had planned on paying. Knowing that, I paid the whole thing off. (Sometimes credit cards give you joy in getting what you need to on them, and more joy in paying it off!) If you can, save your money. I have a little bank account that I stash $50 a paycheck away. I do not see it, I do not use it but very occasionally but it allows me to have some money when we need it for vacations, or other trips. The cool part is that the $50 builds up. Yes it is only $50 now, but by next pay check it is 100, in 6 months it is 600, by the end of the year if I do not use it it is 1200 (Plus the interest they pay me for keeping it there)

This is a new thing to me. When I was growing up, I had allowance. My dad gave us $5 every 2 weeks until we got our first jobs. I always went out and spent it as soon as I had it. most often on toys or something. Every 2 weeks for awhile, your Uncle Corey and I would go to Toys R Us and buy Star Trek figurines (About $5 each) the thing was this. Every week I bought them sometimes ones that I liked but was not totally in love with, and every week I eyed the bigger much more expensive things that I wanted more but did save up for. The thing was, that if I had saved a few months of it, I could have had the bigger cooler toy I had eyed. You have to be willing to delay the satisfaction of getting something cool now, for something cooler and nicer later sometimes.

One last note on money. When I was in Kindergarten my mom worked on the movie Promised Land. We all were extras in parts of it, but I remember my part pretty well. There is a scene where they are in a toy store and there is a kid and his mom who walk down the aisle looking at toys. I was that little kid. They set me up with the fake mom and we walked up and down that aisle over and over again while they got the action in the scene they were really filming. At first I was excited to be doing it, then after what seemed to me hundreds of takes, I was ready to quit. I talked to my mom about it and she told me that I could quit, but if I did, I was not going to get paid. I did not end up quitting, and at the end of the day I got a little toy bow and arrow that I had wanted. At the end of the day, what mattered was I was willing to put the work in to get what I had wanted. I could have quit and not gotten the toy. (Truth is, now I have no idea what ever happened to it) But I knew that if I walked away I was not getting the thing I wanted, in fact I was not getting paid at all, and since I had put the time into it, I may as well get paid for the whole thing.

I never want you to worry about money, but to do that you need to see it as a tool to get what you want. You can spend it all when you get it but at some point you have to ask, is it worth a little satisfaction now (The candy bar, the Fast food dinner,) when if you save it you can use it for something better down the road. I would rather save 5 dollars now, so I can spend it at Disneyland than to spend it on a coke and a candy bar now and not be able to go to Disneyland, or on a sword trip because I didn't save at all. It is really your choice, but never think that money can only be the root of all evil. as I read in a quote once (Paraphrased). No is the second most powerful word in the English language, because when you say no to one thing you are saying yes to something else. You have to ask yourself what it is that you want, then smilingly and unapologetically say no to everything else. As Voltaire said "The best is the enemy of the good."

-Dad

92 Days: Good enough

92 days
Good enough
Sometimes things you will read in these blogs will seem conflicting. Today may be one of them.
In an earlier blog I said to give it your best, do what you could and it would be alright. Yesterday I said that sometimes something to fill your time was a good thing and you needed to give it all you had. Today we are going to talk about something that is a bit different,  good enough.
There are going to be some things in life that are worth giving your all. Some hobbies are like that, some things in school are that way. Some things you must give your all. But I will be honest here, sometimes you can't be so worried about perfection that you never finish anything. It may not all be done, but sometimes that has to be OK. The trick is to know when that is.
If we are having company and I need to clean the house but only have 3 hours to do it ,does it make sense to scrub the grout on the kitchen floor if that will take me an hour? If it is the only thing I have to do sure. If not, it is better to spend the time to get the most things done to meet the deadline knowing that if I do it all and have an hour to spare, then it may be a good time to do the long involved task.
In school you will learn this on some tests. Go through and do the ones you can do easily, leave the more complicated ones for after the easy ones are done.  That way, if you run out of time you do not miss the easy ones you would have gotten right because you spent your whole time on the one that you had to work hard to work out. Life is a lot like that. If you are waiting on the perfect thing to come along, you may be waiting for a long long time. Sometimes you may have to accept that this is good enough and work to make it better than to wait forever for something that does not come.
It is like this. When I was in Junior High (1992-1994) my Dad bought us bus passes so we could get around. Sometimes, when I was waiting for the bus I would wait at the stop, for just a second see if the bus was coming, figure out if I could make it to the next stop before it did, then walk further down the route and repeat the same thing over again. What I found some days was that by the time I caught the bus, I was halfway home, but I felt that I had done something with that time instead of waiting at the same spot for 20 minutes and still getting home a the same time. Sometimes good enough is about though it is not your preference to walk, walking and when the bus gets to you it does. Sometimes that means you may get the whole way or most of the way home before the bus gets to you but I know for me, I feel more accomplished when I have done something to help myself then if I had just waited and the bus had never come.
There is one warning I have about this, know what you can call good enough and what you can't. If you are doing homework, it is better to do all of it, so you are sure you cement the concept in your brain. If you have run out of time though, it is far better to hand it in on time and not perfect then late and perfect because you never know what you will get for something you felt was perfect. The key to good enough is to balance things. When I tell you to clean your room, I am not expecting perfection, just presentable. If you are trying to impress the boss, or sell an idea, or finish crafting something that someone else will buy or want to, you will find much more success (and people will pay you more for it) if it is done right then if it is done quickly and good enough just to meet the deadline.
I bring this up because it was not something I heard growing up. I want you to do your best, but know that it is far better to put all of your energy into something that really matters (may be worth more points, etc in school) than to put all your time and energy into a little project that is not as important.  
In art, or writing, or music, you get to a point where you need to be done with it. Going over it and over it is not going to make it any better, it is just going to make it worse.

-Dad

93 days: time

93 days
Sometime patience is not my best virtue. I try to wait, to keep calm but sometimes it does not happen. I also know that there will be things in your life you are not patient about. Maybe it is something neat coming up that you are excited about, maybe something you are nervous about that you just can't wait to get here so you can have it over with, maybe it is the line at the grocery store or slow traffic. Whatever it is there will be times that you may have your patience tested. Try as I might, I do not have a good solution for it except to say the best way to get through it is to keep focused on what is at hand or focus on something else.
Einstein said that time was relative. We know that is true. When you are having a great time, time seems to fly, when you are bored or doing something you do not like to do it seems to go on forever. In reality, every day has 24 hours, every hour is 60 minutes, every minute is 60 seconds and whether you like it or not, time will come. It may feel like forever, but take the time to enjoy things while they are happening instead of jumping to the next thing and missing the thing at hand.
When I was younger, I thought it was unfair that a man only had 90 years or 100 years or 83 years or what have you, to live. It is a clock that we can't see, something we won't know until our time is up. I felt like it was unfair that some people lived to be 68 and others 103. I also felt like 100 years was not enough time to experience and do everything I wanted to do. As I get older I think less on the fairness of it all and more on the fact that it is what it is, and complaining that it is unfair is not going to make it change.
Here is the thing: You will find things you enjoy doing at all ages. Sometimes finding them a bit later in life means that you miss the boat on some things. I have been doing Olympic fencing for a year but at the ripe old age of 34 I know I will never compete in the Olympics. That is the case with many things. That is not a reason not to compete or do them, it is just a fact. In life you can complain about how unfair or how wrong things are, or you can step up, accept them as facts and figure out what you want to do about it. It is really your choice. Some facts are fixed, some are not. I can't go back and change how old I am to be able to play Baseball in a peewee league. But if I want to play Baseball I can find a team or build a league and play now instead of whining about it. I may not be able to change the rules of something but I can always decide how I want to play with them. (Even if it is not playing at all because I think they are dumb rules) I can't fix how I placed in a tournament, but I can fix things I did wrong, or things I can do better so next time I place better.
Overall my point is this. The more time you spend worrying about how much time you have left, or how much you wish that something was closer, the less time you get to spend enjoying the time you have. Your due date is 93 days from today. I wish it was closer, but what I know is that I have time to get ready for you to come, then if you were born tomorrow. I am excited for it to be here, but I know that time will get us there, and no matter how much I wish it would go faster, the time it takes is good enough.

I am excited to see you, but lets make sure you as ready as you can be before you get here.
-Dad

Day 95 & 94 Appreciate beauty & The family you choose

I did not write yesterday.

 I would have written but between sword, and going to American Fork for the Ukulele festival with Heather and Zeb there was just not enough time. Sometimes life happens little man. 

That being said, I play to more than make it up to you today.  

95 Days, 

We went to the Ukulele festival in American Fork last night with Heather and Zeb. (You do not know them yet, but you will I am sure) We bought your mom a Ukulele, she is excited to learn how to play it. Maybe with a little luck and some practice, we will be playing it for you soon.

Since this is a 2 day post, today I have 2 things for you. 

Embrace beauty. 

Sometimes, in the middle of life, when things are busy or you are too worried about what is next, how you are going to get everything done before you need to, it is easy to forget that we live in a beautiful world. When things are tough, sometimes its the little things that make it all alright. Tomorrow, the sun will rise over those same mountains. Don't forget to look for that beauty son. 

During the concert last night there was a micro burst rain storm. Out of one of the windows I watched the sunlight on a building that was just outside of the one we were in. The way that the sun hit the building it was in a word beautiful. The man who designed it had not intended for it to be I am sure. 

Of course you want it to be aesthetically pleasing, yes, functional, sure. Beautiful? Not necessarily. 

Sometimes you have to lift you head and look for the beauty. Sometimes you have to get in close and breathe it in. Look for the dew on the grass in the morning, Listen for the song of the mourning doves, the smell of the rain on hot cement. Sometimes you must look for beauty, we live in a beautiful world, you need only seek it out. Some things you can never catch through the frame of a Photo lens, at least not really. Don't forget to stop taking pictures sometimes and instead enjoy the moment, breathe it in, make a memory. Sometimes life happens and you must step back and observe it and smile. Live your life, enjoy it. 

Embrace the beauty son, 

-Dad

94 Days, 

This morning I felt you move again, after we had breakfast mom told me that you keep moving, could be the Orange Juice, but it makes me happy to hear that you are moving so much. Sometimes it is hard to be a waiting dad. I know you are there, I know you are growing and I will see you soon, but it is hard to not see you. Sometimes when your mom or the puppies are asleep, I worry that they are not breathing and so I watch for their chest moving. It is never something to worry about but things like that happen, they occur to you. You love them so much, but know it is better to see if they are breathing, than to wake them up and confirm it. 

Family, 

There are people you are related to who sometimes you are not sure you want to be related to. Sometimes the people who share our same genes but little else, you disagree on many things, you do not have much in common with them but they are family. You have 2 "brothers" who we love as if they were our own children. Some call them fur babies, I call Sam and Sketti my sons and love them as much as I love anyone. They are my chosen family. I have other friends who I share no blood with who are as dear to me as some of my genetic family. That is a part of life. You are going to have Uncles, Aunts, and grand parents with whom you share no blood but I assure you they are family. Some family you are born with, some you choose, some choose you. Some of your nearest and dearest friends will feel like family even when your family does not. That does not mean that family is not important. Your Great Grandmother, who passed away recently used to say you don't divorce family. Sometimes the same goes for the family you choose. 

There are lots of other people who you do not share blood with who will call you family, we all love you and are excited to meet you. 

-Dad

96 days Don't give up

Punchy- (That is what we are calling you until we let people know what we are actually naming you)

96 days until you due date.
Last night your mom and I talked about this blog a bit and she asked me if I was going to print it out when it was done. I may just do that. If you are not born on the 22nd of October but instead the 27th or 28th like some people have told me they think you will be I will keep writing until you are here. No reason to end the project just because you were born a little later.

Last night I felt you kick for the first time. Your mom and I had just finished listening to the Mayoral primary debate on the radio and she called me over to feel you kick. It was the first time it has happened. Not the first time that you have kicked mind you, it just seems like she feels you move  then she calls me over, and when I put my hand on her belly you stop. Like somehow you know that I am trying to feel you move too and you will have none of it.

A few weeks ago we played you some lullabies and she said you moved to some of them, and did not to others and it made us wonder if you have an innate sense already of what kind of music you like and what you do not. (takes the whole nature vs nurture thing a step deeper) I think it was on the same night that I blew raspberries on her belly and she said it made you move.
They tell us that at this point in time you can see light through the belly, and that we should play with a flashlight with it. I am not sure it makes sense, but that is what they tell us.

I seriously can't wait for you to get here. There are so many questions I am curious about that I have no way of knowing right now. I wonder when you will have your first freckles (I have little doubt you will have them at some point) What your eye color is, what your hair color is. They can tell us about how long you are and how much you weigh. We are just excited to meet you, when you are ready, no need to rush the next 96 days.

Mom is starting to not fit in her pre-pregnancy clothes and we are just about to start the last trimester so we know you have a ways to grow. They tell me that your brain is developing, so mom has been making sure we have a good breakfast of eggs every morning so you are getting the protein you need. 96 days until we get to meet you. They say being a father changes a man. I am not sure if that is so, but what I do know is that I want little more than to be there to support you when you need help, if you are confused about things or want to know why things are what they are, I will be there for you.

Dad's advise for the day:
I have been doing some of the things I do a long time; Sword being one of them. Some days I feel like I am working really hard to do my best but even at my best it is not 100% natural to me. There are going to be things that you want to do that no matter how hard you want to be the best, they may not come naturally. Don't give up. If it is something you really want, you will get better. That is not to say you will one day be the best at some things, but that does not mean that you give it up. Some things come easier to some people than others. A guy who is 6' 3" is going to have an easier time winning a foot race then someone who is 5'3". If you love it, if it makes you happy, give it what you've got. Surround yourself with people who believe in you, even if you do not always believe in yourself. They may tell you they think you can win and you don't feel it. They may tell you that you are one of the best they know, and you still fail. The thing is this though when it happens you have not let anyone down unless you did not give it all you had that is all that we can expect from anyone. If you are in it to do your best, you do the best you can. Sometimes it means you did not succeed, but if you gave it your all, you can't be disappointed by how you did, and there is always next time.

I will see you in a few months, (I get to catch you and clamp the cord, or so the birth plan says.)

-Dad

97 days: do things you are passionate about

Day 97:
I have always counted the years by the summers. For me, as it will probably be for you, each year is parts of 2 ages. the first is how old you have turned before, the other part is the new "older you". Since I was born in June and the summers were a break between the old school year and the new one, this always worked for me.
In 1997 I turned 16. It was a summer of taking summer school drivers ed. It was the year I had my wisdom teeth out. It was the summer I wore an old Army trench coat I picked up in a yard sale. It was a year of some fear (Learning to drive a stick shift did not go well in 1997, I learned, but it had some scary moments.) and a year I started to really figure some things out (At least I thought) Going into my Junior year of High school I was nervous, but since joining band I felt like I had something that I was looking forward to and really had a place where I belonged.
That is not to say that I did not have friends before. I had lots of them, but with time the Band room would become home for me. I may not have been the best Trombone player, but I tried and I showed up every day to do it better.

If I could give you a piece of advise it would be find things that you are excited and passionate about and do them. They do not have to be your life's work. Sometimes you do what you need to in order to do the things you enjoy doing, that is a part of life.  I joined Band on a whim, something that sounded fun and interesting, what it became for me through most of high school was a place that I belonged. I may not have cared about my other classes but if I was not doing well enough in them Band may have gone away and that was something I did not want to see happen, as a result I did better in school.
Band may not be your thing. I have no idea what it will be but I know you will find the things you love. Always know that your mom and I want to support you in those as much as we can, what matters most to me is that you find them, and look for things you want to try out and do. Some will not be your deal, but you will never know until you give it a good honest go.

They tell me today you are the size of a scallion and weigh 1 2/3rds pounds your mom and I know that you weigh more. When she went to the doctor a few weeks ago they said you were about 1 1/2 pounds so the App on my phone may not just know you yet. Your room is mostly set up, we did it over the 4th of July holiday. It is bright green, and I was so excited to paint it that I started almost 3 hours before your aunt Cara got there so she and Rob could help put in the ceiling fan and paint the room.
I am excited to meet you kid. It is a crazy mixed up world, but hopefully, I can help you navigate through it. Not a lot makes sense and sometimes things seem unfair or slanted. Sometimes the things we want most don't happen, or things may not always go our way, but there are some awesome things to see and do out here so keep on growing, and I will see you soon.

-Dad