You are now 89 days from us. I am excited for the day you are born and I can see your face in person.
On Wednesday night your mom asked me a difficult question.
"When you write the Blog for the baby will you talk about the hard times and struggle too?"
My dear son.
I have now been writing for you the better part of a week and given you advise on finding your passion, doing what you love, as well as some advise on some other things. I feel like so far I have painted a world that is colorful and bright and joyful all the time. What I have not given you is the contrast.
When I was 11 I attempted suicide. I was down (though not as down as I would ever be) I was frustrated with my life, and my lack of achievement, the girl I had a crush on would hardly give me the time of day. It was bad. I wanted to end it all, I wanted to get out. Later I would realize that it was a cry out for help. Though in that moment, things were pretty dark.
When I was 25 a break up with a girl whom I really loved nearly took me to the edge again. I had poured everything into the relationship only to have it go south. She had someone new, she had moved on and I felt empty and alone. This time though, I caught myself, got some help and was able to build myself up again.
In both cases, I wanted to stop breathing. Just stop. As if I could take one last breath and all the pain would be gone. I felt lost, alone, I felt that there was nothing left for me. I wanted to be gone; just disappear. I had lost the sense of self that I had. What I found, going through those times is, that when something inside you dies, something new is born. Both times I found some help, the last time I found that when she and I had been dating I had wrapped all of who I was into the relationship, and when it ended, really ended, I found that I had lost myself. I had spent months trying to be the guy she wanted to be with and what I found out was when it was all over she did not want the guy she said she wanted to be with. Life can be confusing, try not to loose yourself in it. It happens, things will absorb your sense of self but at the end of the day remember that you are not those things, but lots of things.
The world is not all good things all the time. There are things that will hurt. I don't talk about my depression often. I don't talk a lot about it, but it does run in the family. There are days that I do not want to get up and get going. Days that I would rather stay home in bed, I have no motivation, despite things being OK, I feel frustrated, and annoyed, like wearing an itchy wool sweater that does not fit right, something just seems to bother me all day, sometimes it lasts more than a day. It does not happen as much now that I stay regular on my medication but sometimes it does happen.
There is an old story about a King who was looking for a new councilor, his request was that those interested bring him something that would make him happy when he was sad, and something that was sad when he was happy. One day man came to him with a simple gold ring. The King was confused how this would make him happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy until he read the inscription. "This too shall pass."
The way that I get through it is that like everything else you have choices. Sometimes, deep in depression, they are hard to see but hey are there. The darkness seems to be everywhere, it feels like nothing you can do will get you out of it. When that happens, keep moving forward. It sounds like horrible advise I know, but this too shall pass. Sometimes the answer is to reach out to people who can help you. It may not be people you are close to, (in fact, having been there when I was in my teens they feel like sometimes the people who loved me unconditionally were felt like the worst people to help) sometimes you just need to talk, or write it out, or get out and do something, anything to keep moving. Sometimes medication helps balance things, if that is ever the case lets talk and see what we can do. I wish I could say you will never know depression, you will never feel alone, you will never loose sight of the things that make you happy, but I can't. What I do know is that sometimes you may need or want to reach out for help. If it can't be your mom or I, still seek it out. that is what matters. I can't promise you that it will never rain, but I can promise you it won't last forever, and sometimes, just sometimes there will be rainbows.
