How to get what you (Really) want.

 

What do you want?

    This seems like an easy enough question, there are lots of things in life that we want, or feel like we deserve, but how do we move them from the wanting column to the obtained column? Think about something in your life that you desire. This does not have to be a big thing just something you want. 

Have an answer? Cool. 

Now is where it gets harder. 

    Why do you want it? What would having it do for you, or how would it change the way your life is? What is the deeper meaning behind it? The thing is, we don't want things to have them, though we think we do. We want them for the experience that we will get, or think we will get from them. We want to win the lotto not to have a million dollars in the bank, but because of the things we can do with the money, or the feeling of financial stability that it will bring. We want to win big at the tournament because of what it says about us, or what it says about our progress on what we have been working on. The goal is not about the things, it is about what that goal means to us, what it will DO for us. 

    Even things that we want that we feel we will get nothing out of we have some sort of attachment to. You volunteer at a soup kitchen to feed the homeless. You do this to help people who are starving. Cool, that s a noble thing. But down deep there is something in doing it that makes you feel good. We seek the things we do because they provide some sort of validation, or do something for us on some level even if that level for what they say about who we are as a person. 

    So now we go back to the beginning, what do you really want? If it is not about the thing, is there another way you can reach the why without that specific thing? If winning big is about self esteem, then could you reach the goal without winning the gold medal? If it is about how others view you, are there other ways to reach that? Is it possible to let others opinion of you go so it is not important? The key here is to look at the goal and ask, if your objective lies in the why, is there any other way to get there? 

Lets take an example. 

    I feel like I am out of shape because of my weight, so my goal is to lose weight. When I look at the why, it comes back to me not feeling good about how I look and how other judge me. So the why is really that I do not feel good about how I look and how others may judge me. Are there things I can do other than lose a bunch of weight to fix the perception that I do not feel good about how I look? Can I work on my self esteem to feel better about myself? Can I let go of toxic people who are always talking bad about me to build myself up? If the true why is about how I feel about myself then there are many ways I can get there. When we focus on the why, the way forward may expand. 

    There may be many whys and this is something to contend with. Maybe there is a number of whys, Maybe dropping a few pounds is about self esteem, how others view you but also handling medical conditions you have. The reality is that even in these multitudes of whys there may be more than one way to get there. If I want to drop some pounds, dieting and exercise may be a way forward, so may surgery, or certain medications that help, the way forward is can have many paths to achieving the why, so the reality is that there may be more than one way to get what you want. 

    

    So lets say that I have gone through all of this and the only way I can see forward is what I originally said I want. Now comes the question of priorities. What am I willing to give up to reach this goal? Where does the acquiring of this goal land on my priority list? We have limited time in a day to reach our goals. Where does this land on yours? Is it important enough to lose an hour of sleep to exercise an hour in a day? Is it worth the time away from your family to go to the gym for 3 hours in a night, or spend 80 hours a week selling things to reach your ultimate goal? What are you willing to give up to reach this goal? If you do not have to give up anything, what is stopping you from having it right now? 

    It is ok for your goal to fall low on your priority list, just know that it will always be less important to you than the things that are higher on that list, that is just the reality of it. If you are struggling to keep a roof over your head, and are working 3 jobs to keep food on the table, maybe taking 3 hours in a day to exercise is just not something you can commit to, and that is OK. The reality is that you have to take care of your highest priorities first. 

    This may be a reality check. The reality is that you may have to give something up to get something. Time for time, Money for goods, whatever that is. Set something that fits your timeliness and priorities, but if you need to cut back so you can meet your higher priorities, that is ok, that is life. Do what you can commit to, but make sure it is not at the expense of other things that are more important to you. There is always a cost, what will getting the things you want cost in terms of time or money to achieve. 

    

    Now lets look at timeline. What is realistic given the time you are willing to devote to reaching this goal? Is this something you can reach in 2 weeks, 6 months, 1 year? What is reasonable for you to go from where you are to where you want to be? If I want to lose 50 pounds in 5 weeks, it is going to be much harder than if I can spread it over 6 months or a year. Timeline is important because it gives us a finish line to reach, but it also keeps us on track. If my goal is to loose 50 pounds but whenever I do it is fine, then why start today? Why even worry about it this week, or this month? Timelines keep us on track. 

    What is realistic? If it is my first tournament and I just expect to win first place just because I want it, I may not be facing the reality of the situation. If my goal is to win all of my matches but I have a hard pool, is that realistic? Is doing your best enough, or does it have to be something more? I am not suggesting don't strive for the best, but if you fall short, how will you handle it? Be specific about your goals, but be willing to modify them based on the reality of the situation.  Having concrete goals is great, but be flexible with it if needed. If my only definition of success is to win all my matches and I have a pool of all top tier fighters, can I be ok with doing my best, giving my all, and letting things fall as they will? If not, then I may be setting myself up for disappointment. All I can do is give it all I have and be proud of what I have brought to the table. 

 

How do you get there? 

    Lets assume that we are living in a perfect world, what steps do you need to do to get you in the right place at the right time to reach your goals. If you don’t know what it will take, ask someone who knows, do your research. Is the bar too high based on your time commitment, or is it just right? Do you need to change the big goal to meet what you are willing dedicate to it, or does your time commitment meet your ability to reach your goal? If you have to move the chains for now, do it, it is far better to reach little goals and add them up, than to set one big goal and feel like you have failed when you fall short. 

    Who is your team? This is not just about support but accountability. If your team won’t call you out when you slip, they are not holding you accountable. That does not mean do not tell other people about your goal, but it means pick a team of people who will check in and keep you accountable. It is easy to be supportive, it is harder to keep someone accountable. Find yours, know the difference between your support team and your accountability team, both support but in different ways. This can be friends, family, mentors, teammates, but if they will not hold you to it, they are supporting you but not keeping accountable to what you say you want to accomplish. 

    

Except when you don’t, because sometimes you won't- Dr. Seuss

How do you handle falling down. Some days you will fall short of your objective. That is a part of life, how will you handle it when it happens? It is easy enough to walk into a new program expecting to never fail, but the reality is that at some point you won't feel like putting in the work. How will you handle it? Will you get up and do it anyway? Will you take today off and get back on it tomorrow? How will you keep going when you fail, or when you just are not feeling like it? How can your support team help you? I am not suggesting set yourself up for failure, just know that eventually it may happen so be ready from the beginning to handle it if and when it does. 

Keep the goal in mind. If you are trying to save money, does going out with your friends and spending money support or hinder that. If you are trying to eat better, does ordering that pizza help or hinder your goal? Do you need to let your coworkers know you are trying to eat healthier so they do not pressure you to take a doughnut or piece of cake in the break room? If there are people on your team not willing to support your goals, can you avoid them to keep your goal at the forefront of your mind? Some people do this with affirmations and mantras, some do it by reciting something in the morning looking in the mirror, or keeping a card in their wallet that has the goal there. Do what works for you, there is no right or wrong way, only the way that works for you. 

At the end of the day no one else can make you reach your goals. No one else can find the why for you and make you live it long term. If you are not willing to do the work, that is ok, just be real about it and know that it is your choice. You are capable of great things but no one else can make you do it if you are not willing to take the first step yourself.