I hate the idea of new years resolutions. It always seems to hit me that people set themselves up for failure with them and then when they fall off the horse, that is it. In an article published in Forbes magazine 2 years ago it appears that only 8% of people accomplish what they resolve to do.
All that being said, here I am, at the beginning of another year telling myself that there are some things I want to get done this year. Things like eating healthier, getting more consistent exercise, and sticking to my training so I can accomplish my bigger life and sword goals. But if the odds are against me, why do it?
2014 was a year a lot changed for me. I attended my first larger HEMA community event. I started Olympic Fencing, I realized that I can accomplish a lot if I move from the reasons I can't and begin working my to a place where I am looking for the ways to get where I want to be. I cannot say for certain how many times I started diet and exercise only to fall off and begin again weeks or months later, but i know it happened a lot.
So what is different this time? Why will this be the year it changes? I cannot say that it will be for certain but if I stick with it, the reason it will is the way in which I am setting goals. What does 2015 mean to me? What am I working to accomplish? Why is it more likely it will stick this time?
I have heard a lot of people set things up to fail. "I want to loose 50 pounds this year" or something like that. I am not happy with my weight. For those who have not met me I am in the words of my boss "A big dude". It always have been, but I also know from my past that it is not all fat that makes me that way so there is that. So where do I go? This year is all about performance. If I dropped 100 pounds (around my goal) but was not stronger or faster, if I could not perform better than I can in the sword practices I do, would it be worth it? On the other hand, if I trained hard and could build things up to the point that I only dropped 25 or 40 pounds but could run longer, or lift more weight, or could move faster in the ring or on the line would that be worth it? To me if that is not the goal I am not sure what is.
I also want to get in better shape for my family. I would like to one day have children I could at least in part keep up with. I do not want to be the dad whose kids run off and he can't remotely keep up. I know it is a long shot to say beat a child at a foot race or have the energy and vitality of a young kid, but my goal is to be further when that is a real possibility than not. Why? Because to me it matters. Being there long term is important and the best way to do that is to work to be healthier now. I want to be able to pick up a sword and teach at 90 years old, and still be able to beat my students. Not just watch from the sidelines as they get walloped by other people.
Maybe resolutions is not the right word for where I want to be in 2015, maybe goals is. At the end of the day it does not matter if I am 320 pounds or 220 pounds if I can keep up and do better in the next year than I am doing now. At the end of the day, if I can run 5 miles or do 100 push ups without problems does it matter what my pant size is? If I can pick up a sword and keep up or beat my instructor stride for stride, does it matter how much weight I have lost? To me the answer is no. Of course I have to keep my blood sugar in check, of course I want my cholesterol in a healthy range and a million other things that come with being a "Big dude" but at the end of the day I am doing all of it and have not lost all the weight, does it matter? No, and that to me is the place to start.
Happy New Year from Jordan the Swordsman.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Everyone has a place.
Running is not swimming.
Swimming is not Cycling.
Cycling is not running.
All three use the legs and body in similar motions to move from one place to another. They all require the body to be in good shape to do exceptionally well at them but a runners body is not a swimmers or a cyclists body. All None of the 3 are sword in any stretch of the imagination, though they use some of the similar muscle groups and exercises but they are not the same.
I have been practicing the Historical European Martial Arts for a while now. When I first started it was nothing like what it is for me now. In the not too distant past I had some major problems with anything that I did not believe was true to the art I practice. A technique with a foam sword is not always universal to a steel or synthetic sword. To me, if the technique is different, the weapons were unrealistic,its not something I love. For years this included armored combat, this included any type of role playing, this included SCA, and it also included Olympic fencing. To me anything that was not what I do was a game, gave my art a bad name and not something I wanted any part of.
In the past few years that has changed.
Call me wrong, call me indecisive, but at the end of the day what you love is great, for you and I am doing all I can to not be "that guy".
I used to be one of those guys who laughed at Olympic fencing because it was a game, a sport that only partial resembled the sword arts I loved. I used to laugh at people flailing foam weapons at the park because I knew that a steel weapon did not act the way that these do, but to me things have changed.
What changed is my realization of just how wrong about it I was. I love what I do. I love the community, the things I have learned, the purpose it gives me in many different aspects of my life. But what also came up is that I have met some great people who do something else, that love the things they do even if it is different than what I love.
The point is, that there is nothing wrong with any of it as long as you are clear about it, you know what it is, and it is what you love to do. Just because someone else does it different does not make him wrong and you right. It just means that you are not playing the same game..
Lets call spades spades.
If you love using boffer weapons, wearing costumes, and acting as a character then call it that. It really is ok.
Years ago I remember talking to people who were defensive about calling what they did role play. As if it took something away from what they did made it somehow less. The point as I see it is be honest about what you do. If you play a character, or a role, you are role playing. That is not limited to being in a game sometimes you play a roll in life, Maybe your idea of a father, or employee or something else. In some circles it is called what hat you are wearing. Where I am bothered is when people push back and say that they are not doing it. It also means this: if you practice with foam, or wood and feel that it acts just like steel so there is no need to risk being hurt with steel you are mistaken. The 2 things are not the same. AND THAT IS OK. The real key here is being honest about what you are doing and not calling Running, Swimming.
I have trained with wood, duct tape covered wood, several kinds of synthetic, and some steel when I have a good chance to. None of them act the same way. Just as an Olympic Saber though it can leave marks coming in would not do the same as a heavier weapon. There is the problem I have. The different things are not the same, but the second you believe that they act 100% the same you are lying to yourself.
Do some people do what they do better than others?
Of course, but let them prove it in how they practice their art. Think they are doing something wrong? Lend a hand, we can all use a hand up sometime. If they don't agree with it, let them be judged by the results they get, it not on you.
Are some techniques the same between different sword hobbies?
In a way yes. Body mechanics do not change. Swinging a sword from the right shoulder to your left side with a crossed step forward will have more power than the same motion without putting your body behind it. There are some things that no matter the weapon, do not change. What matter is that we are calling our tools just that. Just as long as we are clear that it is in the context of that game.
Ultimately what matters to me is this: people join the thing they do for a number of reasons and many of those are personal. In the last year I have taken up Olympic fencing, it is not he same as my HEMA Training but I know that. I also do not call it the same thing because there is nothing wrong with doing technique that could help me get in better shape just as there is nothing wrong with taking up swimming and running at the same time. There is a problem when I call them the same thing. There is an issue when you show up as a runner to the local swim meet and expect everything to be exactly the same and expecting to walk away with first place.
There is room in the world for all of it. Maybe what you do is not my game, but it does not make things any less valid. Do what you love, let the haters hate, what matters is that you have found something you love. I enjoy Olympic fencing, it is a great work out and translates a little to some of the sword work I do. It is different, but I enjoy it, just like you may love to swim, bike and run but not all of them are the same thing.
Not everyone sees it, but to me, there is a place for everyone at the table. It is time we began to treat each other with the same respect.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Competition, California, and being a part of something bigger.
It has been a CRAZY few months! As such I have missed a lot of the posting I really should have. So here is what is "Relatively" new in this Swordsmans life, it has been so packed the last little bit I will limit to mostly sword related stuff here, there is much more to say but this is the sword related stuff.
I have been very much hit and miss on going to classes for the last few months but that does not mean there has been no sword, in fact even missing classes there has been a lot that was awesome going on.
September saw my first Renaissance fair playing the part of Henry VIII with the House of Tudor guild. This was a great event, and though it rained for the 2 days of the event, I met many great people and feel like it really helped me expand my focus a bit from just sword, to things like this which I feel fall under the same umbrella.
Not only was this a fun event, but as it happened a couple of weeks before our competition it was a big step forward for me personally.
I always get psyched up, (Sometimes too much) when a competition is coming up. I fall into a trap of building so much into my performance that if I make a misstep or do not do as well as I feel like I should, I quickly slip into self criticism and doubting my own skills. I am not the best out there, I know I have room to get better, but I feel like I am not as bad as I could be. This time was different. For me it was OK for me to take the week off and play a part, and know that one week of practice was not going to make or break my skill. If I won, I won, if I lost though not 100% OK with it, it was better than it has been for awhile.
This event was a bit different, instead of the matches going to a certain number scored for one person it was based on cumulative score so once the points were scored, no matter who did it, the match was over. We got this idea from a friend of ours who came to study abroad from Germany last year. There were ups and downs about all of it but ultimately the great part was when the match ended, unless you counted points you did not know who won since the last point scored could bring it to 5 to 3 in your favor but that could have been scored by you, or your opponent so just because they hit you last did not mean it was the winning blow. It also meant that when each round was over (we had a lot more of them), all you could do was go into the next one and do your best to defend yourself and do well, wins did not matter as much as simply doing your best. I was a huge fan of that idea.
After the competition was over we went to California to visit Disneyland, take a vacation, and for me at least get a little sparring in with my friends at Kron. I say just after but this is literally how it happened. We got home, I showered and changed clothes while my wife emptied and repacked the car and by the time I was dressed we left. It could not have been more than 30 minutes between pulling up and leaving again. We drove through the night, spent some time at the beach a few days at the park then on Wednesday night I had an opportunity to visit my friends at Kron in Fullerton.
That is the thing I am learning about this community, no matter where you go, there are new friends to meet and seriously some of the best people I know. This visit was no different. I went to their class was treated graciously as a guest and of course got in some sparring. I used to think that I rested on knowing who my opponents were too much, Knowing their tricks, what they did not do well instead of reading them in that moment better. If nothing else I have found out this year it has been that some things are universal, but that skill, the ability to read your opponent, to get in their head and see what is coming or what you need to do to counter is so important. I cannot say I know how my free sparing with these awesome people went, I do not know who scored more points, who won, or who lost. but I felt like I was able to keep up, and hopefully taught them a bit of the bit I know about this art I love so much.
Since last I wrote about things I have had 3 classes with the study group I am teaching. I am finding it a long journey when I go up there, It is 160 miles round trip, but it is sometimes meditative to get in a car and just drive. I have seen some beautiful things along the road, and watched summer turn to fall, and then winter along the road to Logan. I can say with all honesty that I feel like I have a great group of students who are excited to learn so much so that it has not become unusual for me to stray from my plan when they brought up something really good and I felt it needed to be covered.
I have not taught a lot, here or there in the class I attend, Once in Puerto Rico to a great bunch of guys there while I was on vacation, but to me teaching helps me see the world a bit bigger. I find that I learn things or think differently about some things by observing others and to see them get better, is a moment I can only call being proud of the hard work they are doing to learn and get better with it.
Many other things have happened in the last 3 months. I attended the first Highland games to happen in Moab Utah, I broke a caber, was voted by my peers the Athlete of the day, and have had some great adventures while I have been on and off with sword, sometimes teaching, sometimes doing something else, but it is always with me and always a driving force for me. I reactivated the membership I had at the Recreation center and have been exercising more often, have been fencing on and off while helping some younger guys learn how to use a sabre, but all the time it has been in my heart.
One of the last things sword related that I did for myself came in the form of a lifetime membership to the HEMA Alliance. I have been a member for a number of years now, in part initially to help my class become a part of it, but in recent years it has been my way of saying I love this martial art, and it is important to me that I support the things I love. So after years of debating it, I finally decided it was time. It was time to sign my name and say that I believe in this community, this crazy sword family I have adopted, and that to me at least it matters. There may come a day when I may not love it as much, when it is OK to go months without sword, but you cannot take that love away from me. I am a member because to me it matters.
We put our money and intention into the things that matter to us, for some it is volunteering somewhere, for some, it is putting their passion into their work, for some it is doing nothing at all. To me, it is about this martial art I love to practice. I may not love all of it, I could do without some of the drama, some days I could do without some of the practice that I do not like, but at the end of the day, this matters to me. It is something bigger than just the practice though. We are a community, with all the ups and downs that entails, but when it comes down to it, when I go on vacation I love to meet people who share this passion, and it feels like family, and to me, that dynamic is every bit worth standing up and saying that I wish to be a part of that for life.
I have been very much hit and miss on going to classes for the last few months but that does not mean there has been no sword, in fact even missing classes there has been a lot that was awesome going on.
September saw my first Renaissance fair playing the part of Henry VIII with the House of Tudor guild. This was a great event, and though it rained for the 2 days of the event, I met many great people and feel like it really helped me expand my focus a bit from just sword, to things like this which I feel fall under the same umbrella.
Not only was this a fun event, but as it happened a couple of weeks before our competition it was a big step forward for me personally.
I always get psyched up, (Sometimes too much) when a competition is coming up. I fall into a trap of building so much into my performance that if I make a misstep or do not do as well as I feel like I should, I quickly slip into self criticism and doubting my own skills. I am not the best out there, I know I have room to get better, but I feel like I am not as bad as I could be. This time was different. For me it was OK for me to take the week off and play a part, and know that one week of practice was not going to make or break my skill. If I won, I won, if I lost though not 100% OK with it, it was better than it has been for awhile.
This event was a bit different, instead of the matches going to a certain number scored for one person it was based on cumulative score so once the points were scored, no matter who did it, the match was over. We got this idea from a friend of ours who came to study abroad from Germany last year. There were ups and downs about all of it but ultimately the great part was when the match ended, unless you counted points you did not know who won since the last point scored could bring it to 5 to 3 in your favor but that could have been scored by you, or your opponent so just because they hit you last did not mean it was the winning blow. It also meant that when each round was over (we had a lot more of them), all you could do was go into the next one and do your best to defend yourself and do well, wins did not matter as much as simply doing your best. I was a huge fan of that idea.
After the competition was over we went to California to visit Disneyland, take a vacation, and for me at least get a little sparring in with my friends at Kron. I say just after but this is literally how it happened. We got home, I showered and changed clothes while my wife emptied and repacked the car and by the time I was dressed we left. It could not have been more than 30 minutes between pulling up and leaving again. We drove through the night, spent some time at the beach a few days at the park then on Wednesday night I had an opportunity to visit my friends at Kron in Fullerton.
That is the thing I am learning about this community, no matter where you go, there are new friends to meet and seriously some of the best people I know. This visit was no different. I went to their class was treated graciously as a guest and of course got in some sparring. I used to think that I rested on knowing who my opponents were too much, Knowing their tricks, what they did not do well instead of reading them in that moment better. If nothing else I have found out this year it has been that some things are universal, but that skill, the ability to read your opponent, to get in their head and see what is coming or what you need to do to counter is so important. I cannot say I know how my free sparing with these awesome people went, I do not know who scored more points, who won, or who lost. but I felt like I was able to keep up, and hopefully taught them a bit of the bit I know about this art I love so much.
Since last I wrote about things I have had 3 classes with the study group I am teaching. I am finding it a long journey when I go up there, It is 160 miles round trip, but it is sometimes meditative to get in a car and just drive. I have seen some beautiful things along the road, and watched summer turn to fall, and then winter along the road to Logan. I can say with all honesty that I feel like I have a great group of students who are excited to learn so much so that it has not become unusual for me to stray from my plan when they brought up something really good and I felt it needed to be covered.
I have not taught a lot, here or there in the class I attend, Once in Puerto Rico to a great bunch of guys there while I was on vacation, but to me teaching helps me see the world a bit bigger. I find that I learn things or think differently about some things by observing others and to see them get better, is a moment I can only call being proud of the hard work they are doing to learn and get better with it.
Many other things have happened in the last 3 months. I attended the first Highland games to happen in Moab Utah, I broke a caber, was voted by my peers the Athlete of the day, and have had some great adventures while I have been on and off with sword, sometimes teaching, sometimes doing something else, but it is always with me and always a driving force for me. I reactivated the membership I had at the Recreation center and have been exercising more often, have been fencing on and off while helping some younger guys learn how to use a sabre, but all the time it has been in my heart.
One of the last things sword related that I did for myself came in the form of a lifetime membership to the HEMA Alliance. I have been a member for a number of years now, in part initially to help my class become a part of it, but in recent years it has been my way of saying I love this martial art, and it is important to me that I support the things I love. So after years of debating it, I finally decided it was time. It was time to sign my name and say that I believe in this community, this crazy sword family I have adopted, and that to me at least it matters. There may come a day when I may not love it as much, when it is OK to go months without sword, but you cannot take that love away from me. I am a member because to me it matters.
We put our money and intention into the things that matter to us, for some it is volunteering somewhere, for some, it is putting their passion into their work, for some it is doing nothing at all. To me, it is about this martial art I love to practice. I may not love all of it, I could do without some of the drama, some days I could do without some of the practice that I do not like, but at the end of the day, this matters to me. It is something bigger than just the practice though. We are a community, with all the ups and downs that entails, but when it comes down to it, when I go on vacation I love to meet people who share this passion, and it feels like family, and to me, that dynamic is every bit worth standing up and saying that I wish to be a part of that for life.
Monday, September 8, 2014
What a weekend!
I have been too busy as of late. It is a very good thing but it means I have not had a lot of time to talk about what has been going on.
Sword related stuff:
This is a blog about me and my sword stuff so I will start there. In June, just before my first match at Combat Con the zipper on my jacket broke. That is why I was fighting in red duct tape in all of my matches. :) We bought some straps to close it while we were in Vegas, so I could do some sparring but I knew I needed to get the zipper fixed, and since it is a pain to sew the jacket, that job went to someone else. We took it into a tailor and it was fixed last Friday, so now I am all ready to fight in it again for the competition I have coming up, my trip to California, and all things going well, will be able to wear it all winter to fight in. (Did it last year and made it so I did not need another coat while at sword, definitely a plus.)
Competition!
We have a group competition coming up on October 11th and I am stoked. My press releases are already out, and we will be on TV some time the week before so that is nice. The rules are changing a bit so we are focusing more on defense than offense so it should be cool to watch it all play out. As it is coming quick I am trying to really get my head in the game and be ready for it. The night of competition we are also leaving for Disneyland so while I am in Southern California, I am going to hit up some sword people and get some more sparring in. (As if I need it, but I do love me some sword work.)
Logan!
As some of my readers are not from Utah a brief introduction.
Logan is the home of Utah State University and is about 80 miles north of my house. Over the summer, we had a student show up who wanted to start a student group there, but as we do not have anyone who lives up there besides her we came to compromise. I would drive up once a month, teach their class, and then on the off weeks they can practice what we went over. After talking to my instructor, he said that I was ok to do this as long as I was actively working towards my instructor rank. (Something I have been lazy on the last little bit, but am getting back on.) This week was my first meeting with them and I had 6 students. We went over a lot of the basics I like to cover and though we did not hit it all, I feel like it went very well. It was a great week, and I really look forward to working with these students in the future. :)
Renaissance festival!
Ok, not really sword related. (Yes, but no) I have been invited by the House of Tudor guild in Salt Lake to perform as Henry VIII at the upcoming festival on the 26th and 27th of September. As a result I have been spending a lot of time studying the man, and the history of the period so that I understand the character and can really play it well, as well as have fun with it. It has been a really solid couple of months researching, and finding some things that will help the costume, and me to make the best of the character I can. It is exciting, and looks to be a lot of fun! I am putting as much as I can into it and to me it is the little things that matter, the right hose, as close to right as I can shoes, the right period sword.
That is really the take away. Do what matters. Do what you do right. Just as practice does not make perfect perfect practice makes perfect, Do your best at everything you do. If it fails, don't kill yourself about it, just do it better next time.
Life is really busy right now, but life is good.
Happy Swording my friends.
Sword related stuff:
This is a blog about me and my sword stuff so I will start there. In June, just before my first match at Combat Con the zipper on my jacket broke. That is why I was fighting in red duct tape in all of my matches. :) We bought some straps to close it while we were in Vegas, so I could do some sparring but I knew I needed to get the zipper fixed, and since it is a pain to sew the jacket, that job went to someone else. We took it into a tailor and it was fixed last Friday, so now I am all ready to fight in it again for the competition I have coming up, my trip to California, and all things going well, will be able to wear it all winter to fight in. (Did it last year and made it so I did not need another coat while at sword, definitely a plus.)
Competition!
We have a group competition coming up on October 11th and I am stoked. My press releases are already out, and we will be on TV some time the week before so that is nice. The rules are changing a bit so we are focusing more on defense than offense so it should be cool to watch it all play out. As it is coming quick I am trying to really get my head in the game and be ready for it. The night of competition we are also leaving for Disneyland so while I am in Southern California, I am going to hit up some sword people and get some more sparring in. (As if I need it, but I do love me some sword work.)
Logan!
As some of my readers are not from Utah a brief introduction.
Logan is the home of Utah State University and is about 80 miles north of my house. Over the summer, we had a student show up who wanted to start a student group there, but as we do not have anyone who lives up there besides her we came to compromise. I would drive up once a month, teach their class, and then on the off weeks they can practice what we went over. After talking to my instructor, he said that I was ok to do this as long as I was actively working towards my instructor rank. (Something I have been lazy on the last little bit, but am getting back on.) This week was my first meeting with them and I had 6 students. We went over a lot of the basics I like to cover and though we did not hit it all, I feel like it went very well. It was a great week, and I really look forward to working with these students in the future. :)
Renaissance festival!
Ok, not really sword related. (Yes, but no) I have been invited by the House of Tudor guild in Salt Lake to perform as Henry VIII at the upcoming festival on the 26th and 27th of September. As a result I have been spending a lot of time studying the man, and the history of the period so that I understand the character and can really play it well, as well as have fun with it. It has been a really solid couple of months researching, and finding some things that will help the costume, and me to make the best of the character I can. It is exciting, and looks to be a lot of fun! I am putting as much as I can into it and to me it is the little things that matter, the right hose, as close to right as I can shoes, the right period sword.
That is really the take away. Do what matters. Do what you do right. Just as practice does not make perfect perfect practice makes perfect, Do your best at everything you do. If it fails, don't kill yourself about it, just do it better next time.
Life is really busy right now, but life is good.
Happy Swording my friends.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Understanding madness part 1 Henry VIII
How much in the history of mankind have the wrong things been done for noble reasons?
My mind truly worries me some times, most specifically when I study the acts of people whom history calls cowards, tyrants or bad people and in a way, it makes sense to me the way in which what they did could have made sense to them at the time.
My most recent foray into the mind of madness has been studying Henry VIII of England. Often considered a bad guy for several reasons the more I study, the more I feel I may see a reason for what he did, as horrible as it was. This is by no means excusing it, nor is understanding it excusing the mistakes those people made, but in understanding I feel it brings them closer to center, more human than demon, and fail-able just as we all are.
As I understand it the world in which Henry VIII was born was one of many contentions, since the line of succession from the Plantagenet's was not clear and direct, there were as many people who has as much right to the throne as the sitting monarch. Power, then as much as now, was a delicate balance. When the legitimacy of a heir could be in question after you were gone, it makes sense that you would do what you could to protect that. I am not suggesting that killing off 2 wives and divorcing 2 others was right, but in the context of the time, if a queen was not as strong candidate for ruler, and not only her rein, but life could be put into question if someone else had the backing to dispose her.
Again, I am not saying that what he did was right. But in trying to hold and keep power, especially when others have as legitimate of a claim to the throne, it becomes hard to let voices of dissent go heard, since one day you are the King, the next day your rivals gain enough support to claim the same and have you killed. It is a hard place to be in. If you allow your rivals to dissent and that in turn can lead to not only your death but possibly the death of your children and you fight with the tools you have to keep that. It would be as if, you owned your home and plan on that providing for your children and then a neighbor steps in, takes your home kills you and gives it to their child. Even more is the problem of a child of yours based on their gender could not inherit your home. If you have an heir who could, it becomes possible for them to look out for their siblings, but without such an heir none of your children are protected against hardships that could include their own death.
I will not suggest that he did not have other reasons, be they lust or otherwise, but I am suggesting that this may have been a part of it. Added to that is this. When you have been given lands or in this case a country, you want your children to have as much of that enacted as possible. You may even think of it as your noble right to keep the throne against all threats both foreign and domestic. (You may be wrong, but that is not the question.) At one time in our history if you were the Alpha male in a tribe or group, and someone else wanted to challenge that you had recourse. You could fight them and if they won they took your place. In this case, those who spoke ill were killed as they posed a threat, and if we have learned anything it is that a person who is in power may use that power to keep power as long as they can. Sometimes it involves killing off rivals so you can secure your place and are not killed or erased from history. (Such as Hatshepsut, was erased by Tuthmosis III when he became pharaoh in 1458 BC)
Henry VIII is often categorized as a womanizer who divorced or killed his wives because he did not have male heirs from them. (With the exception of his third wife who died after childbirth) This may be the case. It may also be the case that he did as he did out of no noble reason but simply because he could. It may be that none of what he did, he did for more noble a cause but just lust. I would argue that perhaps his 5th marriage to Anne of Cleaves may have been partly that, but I find it hard to believe that it was all that.
The human condition is hardly an easy one. We have storms of emotion based on very little, and act sometimes on reasons that we do not know ourselves. Added to that is the fact that people do things sometimes for a number of reasons that point to the same answer. You may have a child because you wish to have the experience of raising children, or feel it is directly a commandment from your God, or you want a part of you to live on, or for countless other reasons, but rarely is it only one of those things. You may have a particular job because it pays the bills, or it allows you to do things you want to do, but it is rarely one thing only. I cannot say for sure that this king did what he did for one reason and only that alone, I am not sure any of us does, or anything would do. If you are hungry and anything will do, you should then eat anything as you have no actual preference, but the human psyche is not like that. We are like a trifle layered and our reasons add up to doing things people may view as only having one reason when it really has countless. Even something so simple as "How do I love, thee?" is continued with "Let me count the ways" as if something so essential as love needs to have a plethora of reasons for it to be valid.
I hardly believe anyone is that simple, and though the primary reason for something may be larger, the truth is that it is hardly as cut and dry as it is made out to be. My mind worries me, but to be fair, it is interesting to me to try to understand the way in which something may have made sense at the time because to me it makes these people more human and sometimes we need more humanity in our experiences.
My mind truly worries me some times, most specifically when I study the acts of people whom history calls cowards, tyrants or bad people and in a way, it makes sense to me the way in which what they did could have made sense to them at the time.
My most recent foray into the mind of madness has been studying Henry VIII of England. Often considered a bad guy for several reasons the more I study, the more I feel I may see a reason for what he did, as horrible as it was. This is by no means excusing it, nor is understanding it excusing the mistakes those people made, but in understanding I feel it brings them closer to center, more human than demon, and fail-able just as we all are.
As I understand it the world in which Henry VIII was born was one of many contentions, since the line of succession from the Plantagenet's was not clear and direct, there were as many people who has as much right to the throne as the sitting monarch. Power, then as much as now, was a delicate balance. When the legitimacy of a heir could be in question after you were gone, it makes sense that you would do what you could to protect that. I am not suggesting that killing off 2 wives and divorcing 2 others was right, but in the context of the time, if a queen was not as strong candidate for ruler, and not only her rein, but life could be put into question if someone else had the backing to dispose her.
Again, I am not saying that what he did was right. But in trying to hold and keep power, especially when others have as legitimate of a claim to the throne, it becomes hard to let voices of dissent go heard, since one day you are the King, the next day your rivals gain enough support to claim the same and have you killed. It is a hard place to be in. If you allow your rivals to dissent and that in turn can lead to not only your death but possibly the death of your children and you fight with the tools you have to keep that. It would be as if, you owned your home and plan on that providing for your children and then a neighbor steps in, takes your home kills you and gives it to their child. Even more is the problem of a child of yours based on their gender could not inherit your home. If you have an heir who could, it becomes possible for them to look out for their siblings, but without such an heir none of your children are protected against hardships that could include their own death.
I will not suggest that he did not have other reasons, be they lust or otherwise, but I am suggesting that this may have been a part of it. Added to that is this. When you have been given lands or in this case a country, you want your children to have as much of that enacted as possible. You may even think of it as your noble right to keep the throne against all threats both foreign and domestic. (You may be wrong, but that is not the question.) At one time in our history if you were the Alpha male in a tribe or group, and someone else wanted to challenge that you had recourse. You could fight them and if they won they took your place. In this case, those who spoke ill were killed as they posed a threat, and if we have learned anything it is that a person who is in power may use that power to keep power as long as they can. Sometimes it involves killing off rivals so you can secure your place and are not killed or erased from history. (Such as Hatshepsut, was erased by Tuthmosis III when he became pharaoh in 1458 BC)
Henry VIII is often categorized as a womanizer who divorced or killed his wives because he did not have male heirs from them. (With the exception of his third wife who died after childbirth) This may be the case. It may also be the case that he did as he did out of no noble reason but simply because he could. It may be that none of what he did, he did for more noble a cause but just lust. I would argue that perhaps his 5th marriage to Anne of Cleaves may have been partly that, but I find it hard to believe that it was all that.
The human condition is hardly an easy one. We have storms of emotion based on very little, and act sometimes on reasons that we do not know ourselves. Added to that is the fact that people do things sometimes for a number of reasons that point to the same answer. You may have a child because you wish to have the experience of raising children, or feel it is directly a commandment from your God, or you want a part of you to live on, or for countless other reasons, but rarely is it only one of those things. You may have a particular job because it pays the bills, or it allows you to do things you want to do, but it is rarely one thing only. I cannot say for sure that this king did what he did for one reason and only that alone, I am not sure any of us does, or anything would do. If you are hungry and anything will do, you should then eat anything as you have no actual preference, but the human psyche is not like that. We are like a trifle layered and our reasons add up to doing things people may view as only having one reason when it really has countless. Even something so simple as "How do I love, thee?" is continued with "Let me count the ways" as if something so essential as love needs to have a plethora of reasons for it to be valid.
I hardly believe anyone is that simple, and though the primary reason for something may be larger, the truth is that it is hardly as cut and dry as it is made out to be. My mind worries me, but to be fair, it is interesting to me to try to understand the way in which something may have made sense at the time because to me it makes these people more human and sometimes we need more humanity in our experiences.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
It should be your choice, and it should be OK.
Warning: This has nothing to do with swordsmanship, my personal journey, and may be a bit too soon and too fresh for some people. I do not mean any disrespect, and please know my intentions are clear. I need to vent about something that is getting to me.
Last night I cried. It was the first time I remember crying over the death of a celebrity, but my life was touched by this one in particular, so I felt a genuine sadness for this one lost. In light of that, and many of my friends who I have lost over the years to their own hands, despite the sadness and grief, and the holes left in our collective hearts, I still believe it should be your choice.
There are people hurting in the world. Many of them, without the world seeing it in the light of day. The happy, spunky friend who always has a good attitude during the day, when they are alone with their thoughts may be going through things we have no idea about. To those who are hurting I suggest reach out. I suggest talk to someone, anyone, but if what you need is to talk find that. It is a lot better that way than doing something as a cry for help that may hurt you long term, could even kill you, when all you needed was to talk, and maybe some antidepressants to help balance things out some. Last night it wondered if Robin Williams had known just how many lives he had touched, and mattered to, would that have changed it? I have no answers, none of us will ever know.
There is a finality of death. It is the nature of the beast. I have also been there. When the only answer is out, anyway you can get there. When the sadness and grief, the pain, seems so much that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes people need a hand up, sometimes no matter what you say or do for them will not be enough, and their choice becomes to pull themselves up, or to find a way out. I do not know if knowing the lives he touched would have pulled him out this time, no one knows for sure. But despite that I still believe that it is (our should be) your choice.
Things are not always cut and dry. I cannot say with absolute certainty that if we, as people were kinder to each other that it would keep everyone from ending their own lives. It is not that cut and dry. But I know some lives may be saved, and that alone may make the difference. We need to be a society where it is OK to ask for help and get it. Where there is not a stigma attached to being depressed, like it is something so wrong with a person that if they go to get help it means somehow that they have failed at life somehow. That kind of thinking needs to be over. We all have our down times, the times when we are sad or feel loss for something, or someone. It is a part of life that as a society we brush over, like it is not OK to be down and be having a hard time sometimes. We need to change how we see things. It is OK to be down, it is OK to ask for help, or need to talk to someone about what is going on without the stigma attached to it.
But even in this loss, even in the losses of friends over the years something else is also clear. It is OK for people to decide about their lives. Sometimes the hand up is not the answer, and that has to be OK too. It should be OK to decide on your own terms how your life comes to an end. If you are sick and the only way out is that way, it should be OK to go that way. No stigma attached, but safe ways that are not going to end others lives in the process. If it was OK to go your way, rather than in a fiery crash on the freeway that ends others lives.
As a people we are not OK with death. It comes to all of us, but we absolutely are not OK with it. When a ninety something year old person dies who has been in constant pain for the last 30 years we face it with sorrow, as though we want them to hold on forever so we do not have to face death. We want people who are on life support and who are alive because machines are keeping them there to stay alive forever, no matter their pain or quality of life, we want them alive so we do not have to face death. As if it is some curse that if we hold on long enough will skip us, keep the people in our lives alive and well so we never have to face it, or be sad because of a loss.
They are tied, the stigma and the holding on to those who it is their time to go. To me that needs to change. It is OK to die. It will happen to all of us in our time. I have been mad at my friends who choose their way out, I am hurting and somehow it is their fault. What is wrong with that is that I am sad that they are gone, I can even shake my fist at the sky because they choose to go the way they did, but ultimately, at the end of the day, it is their choice. I can be mad, but it was their life, and they choose how to go with it, and I have to respect that choice. It should be your choice. It should be that getting help was easy, no stigma attached, we all go through hard times, and it is OK to be down sometimes. But if the only way that you can see through the darkness and pain is out, we need to allow that to be OK too.
In the end, we all die. It does not matter how hard we try not to, death comes anyway. Hold those in your life who matter near to you, show them that they matter, make a difference in the lives of others. Today I am sad for the loss of someone I looked up to, but he touched so many lives I cannot say that he did not make a difference. I also cannot say that it was not his choice to go as he choose, and ultimately that is and should be his choice and despite the pain, that is and should be OK.
Last night I cried. It was the first time I remember crying over the death of a celebrity, but my life was touched by this one in particular, so I felt a genuine sadness for this one lost. In light of that, and many of my friends who I have lost over the years to their own hands, despite the sadness and grief, and the holes left in our collective hearts, I still believe it should be your choice.
There are people hurting in the world. Many of them, without the world seeing it in the light of day. The happy, spunky friend who always has a good attitude during the day, when they are alone with their thoughts may be going through things we have no idea about. To those who are hurting I suggest reach out. I suggest talk to someone, anyone, but if what you need is to talk find that. It is a lot better that way than doing something as a cry for help that may hurt you long term, could even kill you, when all you needed was to talk, and maybe some antidepressants to help balance things out some. Last night it wondered if Robin Williams had known just how many lives he had touched, and mattered to, would that have changed it? I have no answers, none of us will ever know.
There is a finality of death. It is the nature of the beast. I have also been there. When the only answer is out, anyway you can get there. When the sadness and grief, the pain, seems so much that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes people need a hand up, sometimes no matter what you say or do for them will not be enough, and their choice becomes to pull themselves up, or to find a way out. I do not know if knowing the lives he touched would have pulled him out this time, no one knows for sure. But despite that I still believe that it is (our should be) your choice.
Things are not always cut and dry. I cannot say with absolute certainty that if we, as people were kinder to each other that it would keep everyone from ending their own lives. It is not that cut and dry. But I know some lives may be saved, and that alone may make the difference. We need to be a society where it is OK to ask for help and get it. Where there is not a stigma attached to being depressed, like it is something so wrong with a person that if they go to get help it means somehow that they have failed at life somehow. That kind of thinking needs to be over. We all have our down times, the times when we are sad or feel loss for something, or someone. It is a part of life that as a society we brush over, like it is not OK to be down and be having a hard time sometimes. We need to change how we see things. It is OK to be down, it is OK to ask for help, or need to talk to someone about what is going on without the stigma attached to it.
But even in this loss, even in the losses of friends over the years something else is also clear. It is OK for people to decide about their lives. Sometimes the hand up is not the answer, and that has to be OK too. It should be OK to decide on your own terms how your life comes to an end. If you are sick and the only way out is that way, it should be OK to go that way. No stigma attached, but safe ways that are not going to end others lives in the process. If it was OK to go your way, rather than in a fiery crash on the freeway that ends others lives.
As a people we are not OK with death. It comes to all of us, but we absolutely are not OK with it. When a ninety something year old person dies who has been in constant pain for the last 30 years we face it with sorrow, as though we want them to hold on forever so we do not have to face death. We want people who are on life support and who are alive because machines are keeping them there to stay alive forever, no matter their pain or quality of life, we want them alive so we do not have to face death. As if it is some curse that if we hold on long enough will skip us, keep the people in our lives alive and well so we never have to face it, or be sad because of a loss.
They are tied, the stigma and the holding on to those who it is their time to go. To me that needs to change. It is OK to die. It will happen to all of us in our time. I have been mad at my friends who choose their way out, I am hurting and somehow it is their fault. What is wrong with that is that I am sad that they are gone, I can even shake my fist at the sky because they choose to go the way they did, but ultimately, at the end of the day, it is their choice. I can be mad, but it was their life, and they choose how to go with it, and I have to respect that choice. It should be your choice. It should be that getting help was easy, no stigma attached, we all go through hard times, and it is OK to be down sometimes. But if the only way that you can see through the darkness and pain is out, we need to allow that to be OK too.
In the end, we all die. It does not matter how hard we try not to, death comes anyway. Hold those in your life who matter near to you, show them that they matter, make a difference in the lives of others. Today I am sad for the loss of someone I looked up to, but he touched so many lives I cannot say that he did not make a difference. I also cannot say that it was not his choice to go as he choose, and ultimately that is and should be his choice and despite the pain, that is and should be OK.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Some clarity from the cloudiness.
Last night I took a walk. This is not news. Since the first part of June I have taken many walks, mostly because I did not get my steps where I needed them for the day, so I have been boosting them by taking a walk usually around the neighborhood.
Last night was a bit different. I had arranged to meet a friend and do a little fencing, then when she left the park, I began my laps. As it was not the neighborhood which is easy to keep my mind busy it was a good "clearing my head" kind of walk. From it, came some realizations, and from that the steps forward seemed pretty clear.
The first thing that occurred to me, is that though I weigh something that is considered considerably over my "Ideal" I do not feel super fat and out of shape. Yes it is harder to do some things, but I feel like I do OK overall most of the time. The question then became, if not what I look like now what is my mental Idea of what I weigh. What occurred to me is that it is likely that most people do not have a complete self picture of what they look like to others. Plenty that are very overweight do not always think that they are that bad. Plenty of others who have just a little I would imagine, feel like that 10% fat or something is WAY too much and feel like they are 400 pounds because of it.
So where mentally do I put myself? I weight 322 pounds as of this morning. I know I am over weight. Every time I go to a doctor they tell me. It could have nothing to do with what I am talking to them about, they tell me, believe me I know, this is not some huge revelation. But where do I put myself? Last night, it came very clear. I feel like I am a healthy person most of the time. Ask me to do 100 push ups and it gets a lot different but overall I feel like I am some over but not 150 pounds over. (If you look at BMI my ideal is 170, but at that point I think I would look sickly)
Also to that point was the idea that I know that guy. I know what the Healthy guy would look like or feel like, I know what eating decisions he would make, and how active he would be. The funny thing is that I half expected him to just show up fully formed. One day, eating burgers and fries and drinking a coke for lunch, the next day, this other guy with healthy habits. It was crazy, but somewhere I half expected it to happen. This was dumb, it would not happen, and I think that was almost a security blanket for me. "What? I am not that weight today either? Guess it does not matter what I eat, since it is not happening today."
Then something else occurred to me. I do know this guy. I can feel what it would be like to be him. but nothing is going to magically bridge the gap. It will take time being him before I look like him. It will take work to get there, it is not going to happen over night. If somehow I was 100 pounds less tomorrow. Could I keep it up? Not without the right tools and mindset. This was something I did not have, and something that it would take some doing to get. I heard somewhere once that a huge number of diets fail because even if people reach their goal, they gain it back because they go back to old habits. "I just lost 50 pounds, now I can eat whatever I want." kind of crap.
A huge part of this goes back to something I realized back in June in regards to sword. Not "I can't do it" but "How can I do it?" it gets my mind working. Things are not dismissed, but rather another way is found. That is who that guy is. Not the one who complains without a solution, but one who sees a problem and figures out how to make it work. I know this guy because he is me, his mind is not foreign to mine, his actions are not so far off that I can't see myself doing them. He is walking around in my skin right now with some extra baggage. But we will work that off, all I need to do is to be that guy, be the best I can be right now knowing that tomorrow it may be a bit different but right now he and I are one.
I am not there yet, but I am taking steps. This afternoon I had tuna without mayo or anything else, that is the kind of thing he would do after all, and found that it was not bad, in fact, I liked it. I am not there yet, but "That guy" is me and together we will make it.
Last night was a bit different. I had arranged to meet a friend and do a little fencing, then when she left the park, I began my laps. As it was not the neighborhood which is easy to keep my mind busy it was a good "clearing my head" kind of walk. From it, came some realizations, and from that the steps forward seemed pretty clear.
The first thing that occurred to me, is that though I weigh something that is considered considerably over my "Ideal" I do not feel super fat and out of shape. Yes it is harder to do some things, but I feel like I do OK overall most of the time. The question then became, if not what I look like now what is my mental Idea of what I weigh. What occurred to me is that it is likely that most people do not have a complete self picture of what they look like to others. Plenty that are very overweight do not always think that they are that bad. Plenty of others who have just a little I would imagine, feel like that 10% fat or something is WAY too much and feel like they are 400 pounds because of it.
So where mentally do I put myself? I weight 322 pounds as of this morning. I know I am over weight. Every time I go to a doctor they tell me. It could have nothing to do with what I am talking to them about, they tell me, believe me I know, this is not some huge revelation. But where do I put myself? Last night, it came very clear. I feel like I am a healthy person most of the time. Ask me to do 100 push ups and it gets a lot different but overall I feel like I am some over but not 150 pounds over. (If you look at BMI my ideal is 170, but at that point I think I would look sickly)
Also to that point was the idea that I know that guy. I know what the Healthy guy would look like or feel like, I know what eating decisions he would make, and how active he would be. The funny thing is that I half expected him to just show up fully formed. One day, eating burgers and fries and drinking a coke for lunch, the next day, this other guy with healthy habits. It was crazy, but somewhere I half expected it to happen. This was dumb, it would not happen, and I think that was almost a security blanket for me. "What? I am not that weight today either? Guess it does not matter what I eat, since it is not happening today."
Then something else occurred to me. I do know this guy. I can feel what it would be like to be him. but nothing is going to magically bridge the gap. It will take time being him before I look like him. It will take work to get there, it is not going to happen over night. If somehow I was 100 pounds less tomorrow. Could I keep it up? Not without the right tools and mindset. This was something I did not have, and something that it would take some doing to get. I heard somewhere once that a huge number of diets fail because even if people reach their goal, they gain it back because they go back to old habits. "I just lost 50 pounds, now I can eat whatever I want." kind of crap.
A huge part of this goes back to something I realized back in June in regards to sword. Not "I can't do it" but "How can I do it?" it gets my mind working. Things are not dismissed, but rather another way is found. That is who that guy is. Not the one who complains without a solution, but one who sees a problem and figures out how to make it work. I know this guy because he is me, his mind is not foreign to mine, his actions are not so far off that I can't see myself doing them. He is walking around in my skin right now with some extra baggage. But we will work that off, all I need to do is to be that guy, be the best I can be right now knowing that tomorrow it may be a bit different but right now he and I are one.
I am not there yet, but I am taking steps. This afternoon I had tuna without mayo or anything else, that is the kind of thing he would do after all, and found that it was not bad, in fact, I liked it. I am not there yet, but "That guy" is me and together we will make it.
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