- the state of being a father.
This is not going to be an easy one to write.
On October 21st 2015 I became a father. It is and has been something that has changed my life. I love my son more than I could have ever known was possible. Each day he learns something new and though, there are times where he tests my patience, I love reading to him, and spending time with him, and seeing his face light up as he jumps around when I get home. There is truly nothing like it, and each day I am so happy that I have had the chance to be a father. I love my son, but after he was born we both kind of felt that our little family was complete.
On October 9th 2016, we had a daughter who never lived. We knew that getting pregnant was going to be hard. That is why when we were trying with Sean, Cindy took medication to help her body create HCG when she was pregnant. Last year, there were indications that she may be pregnant but multiple pregnancy tests, and a few blood tests showed that she was not. This is a part of the world that we live in. On the night of October 9th we went to the hospital because Cindy was not feeling well. The long and short of it is that that night, Cindy delivered a daughter who had major birth defects. She had 7 fingers on one hand and 6 on the other among other things that were misshapen, missing or just not right. These are all things that would have developed in the first term, but we never knew that she was there. This was also the first time I had heard the term Irish Twins. (2 children born within the period of 1 year. Seriously, it is a thing, and a little racist.)
One thing she did have, which was so hard for me was she was born with red hair. We looked at the possibility of not naming her but it did not feel right. She never lived, nor from the defects would she have, if she had lived to term. She never moved, we never knew she was there, she simply was. When we were talking about names for Sean we decided that there were names that were off the table no matter what his gender was. Most of that had to do with what kids would call him in school, or how he could age with a name. If he had been a girl, Angel was definitely off the table, but in this case it just fit.
It has been a year, but there is still a feeling of loss, not for our little girl, but for the little girl who could have been, that is where I feel the loss. We still do not feel like we need more children, and anyone who suggests that we somehow do really needs to mind their own damn business, but I feel like in a way, we have had 2. Fatherhood has become a part of who I am. At the last Renaissance fair, for example I felt strongly responsible for the people in my guild. When it comes to sword, I feel like I am a sword dad of sorts. Fatherhood has gotten into my bones. I want people to do the right thing and to encourage them to do it. I want people to learn things and make themselves better. I am the father of 2, though I feel like in some cases, that number changes based on where I am.
One thing she did have, which was so hard for me was she was born with red hair. We looked at the possibility of not naming her but it did not feel right. She never lived, nor from the defects would she have, if she had lived to term. She never moved, we never knew she was there, she simply was. When we were talking about names for Sean we decided that there were names that were off the table no matter what his gender was. Most of that had to do with what kids would call him in school, or how he could age with a name. If he had been a girl, Angel was definitely off the table, but in this case it just fit.
It has been a year, but there is still a feeling of loss, not for our little girl, but for the little girl who could have been, that is where I feel the loss. We still do not feel like we need more children, and anyone who suggests that we somehow do really needs to mind their own damn business, but I feel like in a way, we have had 2. Fatherhood has become a part of who I am. At the last Renaissance fair, for example I felt strongly responsible for the people in my guild. When it comes to sword, I feel like I am a sword dad of sorts. Fatherhood has gotten into my bones. I want people to do the right thing and to encourage them to do it. I want people to learn things and make themselves better. I am the father of 2, though I feel like in some cases, that number changes based on where I am.
Angel never lived, she never took a breath, or crawled across the floor or cooed lovingly as we entertained her, but Sean did. Every day I am so happy to be a dad to such a good kid, and this loss has made me that much more grateful for the chances I get to spend time with him and watch him grow into a such a good, little boy (Even if he is trouble sometimes) Had this happened before Sean was born, I am not sure we would have tried again, but again, life had other plans. Grieving has been made easier because I could come home and sit on the couch with my son and watch a movie, or hold his hand walking through a fair, or get a big high 5 just because he thinks it is still cool. Some things he will age out of, but I am glad for the time I do have.
Being a biological father is not hard, but being a Father can be. It is not always smiles and sunshine, sometimes you have to clean up a messy diaper or have your kid throw up on you. Sometimes they scream for no reason and there is little you can do to comfort them. Sometimes parenthood is frustrating as hell, but I can say this for it, every day it makes me do all I can to be a better example for my son. That may be a bad way to self improvement, but if I can teach my son well, maybe one day he will be a good man, and that is all I can ever hope for.
