Last night I took a walk. This is not news. Since the first part of June I have taken many walks, mostly because I did not get my steps where I needed them for the day, so I have been boosting them by taking a walk usually around the neighborhood.
Last night was a bit different. I had arranged to meet a friend and do a little fencing, then when she left the park, I began my laps. As it was not the neighborhood which is easy to keep my mind busy it was a good "clearing my head" kind of walk. From it, came some realizations, and from that the steps forward seemed pretty clear.
The first thing that occurred to me, is that though I weigh something that is considered considerably over my "Ideal" I do not feel super fat and out of shape. Yes it is harder to do some things, but I feel like I do OK overall most of the time. The question then became, if not what I look like now what is my mental Idea of what I weigh. What occurred to me is that it is likely that most people do not have a complete self picture of what they look like to others. Plenty that are very overweight do not always think that they are that bad. Plenty of others who have just a little I would imagine, feel like that 10% fat or something is WAY too much and feel like they are 400 pounds because of it.
So where mentally do I put myself? I weight 322 pounds as of this morning. I know I am over weight. Every time I go to a doctor they tell me. It could have nothing to do with what I am talking to them about, they tell me, believe me I know, this is not some huge revelation. But where do I put myself? Last night, it came very clear. I feel like I am a healthy person most of the time. Ask me to do 100 push ups and it gets a lot different but overall I feel like I am some over but not 150 pounds over. (If you look at BMI my ideal is 170, but at that point I think I would look sickly)
Also to that point was the idea that I know that guy. I know what the Healthy guy would look like or feel like, I know what eating decisions he would make, and how active he would be. The funny thing is that I half expected him to just show up fully formed. One day, eating burgers and fries and drinking a coke for lunch, the next day, this other guy with healthy habits. It was crazy, but somewhere I half expected it to happen. This was dumb, it would not happen, and I think that was almost a security blanket for me. "What? I am not that weight today either? Guess it does not matter what I eat, since it is not happening today."
Then something else occurred to me. I do know this guy. I can feel what it would be like to be him. but nothing is going to magically bridge the gap. It will take time being him before I look like him. It will take work to get there, it is not going to happen over night. If somehow I was 100 pounds less tomorrow. Could I keep it up? Not without the right tools and mindset. This was something I did not have, and something that it would take some doing to get. I heard somewhere once that a huge number of diets fail because even if people reach their goal, they gain it back because they go back to old habits. "I just lost 50 pounds, now I can eat whatever I want." kind of crap.
A huge part of this goes back to something I realized back in June in regards to sword. Not "I can't do it" but "How can I do it?" it gets my mind working. Things are not dismissed, but rather another way is found. That is who that guy is. Not the one who complains without a solution, but one who sees a problem and figures out how to make it work. I know this guy because he is me, his mind is not foreign to mine, his actions are not so far off that I can't see myself doing them. He is walking around in my skin right now with some extra baggage. But we will work that off, all I need to do is to be that guy, be the best I can be right now knowing that tomorrow it may be a bit different but right now he and I are one.
I am not there yet, but I am taking steps. This afternoon I had tuna without mayo or anything else, that is the kind of thing he would do after all, and found that it was not bad, in fact, I liked it. I am not there yet, but "That guy" is me and together we will make it.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Perspective adjustment.
I have been overweight my whole life. Seriously. I was born 13 pounds 12 oz and it just went up from there, so I have been trying to drop some of my weight for a long long time. Since High school there has been a lot of working on exercise more, or eating better working to just drop the excess. A lot of that had to do with timetables, and calculations. If I can keep a steady pace of loosing X pounds a week for X weeks I will hit my goal at such and such a time in the future. This often turned into weird math where I would figure at a constant rate of change, by such and such a date I should be at X weight which would coincide with a particular holiday or festival or something.
Therein lied the problem. Any rate, no matter how much we want it to be stays the same. This week may be a drop of 5 pounds, next week 1. Over time it is easy to start out ahead, then when the curve hits and I am now 5 pounds behind my goal rate, it is easy to get frustrated, discouraged, and "take a break". Unfortunately the breaks last longer than I wanted, so 2 days becomes 3 then a week. Next thing I know, clothes are fitting tighter and I am upset because I let myself slide.
This week everything changed for me. All it took was a new perspective. What if, it was not about a timetable, what if it was about making healthy choices. What did it matter if I reached my goal in 52 weeks or 104 if I got there? What if I gave myself enough room for it all to be OK, as long as I was working on it with some diligence? The answer I found was that all of it was OK. For years, when I was on it, I pushed hard, VERY hard. Instead of walking a mile a day to get started I pushed it to 5 a day. Instead of slowing down what I was eating, I dropped off a lot, really really quick. What it meant was that I got burned out quickly.
This week it became OK to be where I was, and to be working where I was to get where I wanted to be. Do I have to loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks? No, especially if it does not stay off. Is it OK if I keep on it, loose nothing this week, stay on my plan, next week only loose 1 but am staying consistent on exercise and eating right? You betcha. The key is the long game. Not what can I loose this week, but where is the overall trend? Not what can I lift today, but am I working towards my goals to my own satisfaction? Can I push harder? Yes, Am I likely to get warn out? You betcha. The key is little steps for an end game, not huge ones now, only to back track, and fall further behind.
I have been at my current weight before. 5 years ago, on my 28th birthday, I weighed what I thought was a lot. In truth, it was 5 pounds under where I am now. For years, I had a picture of me from my 28th birthday, on things to motivate me into a perspective of "never again". In September of last year, I was up to 30 pounds over that "Never Again weight". This time it is different.
Since June I am down almost 15 pounds. Using my FitBit I started with a goal of 10,000 steps a day which turned into 12,000 then 14,300, then 15,000 really quickly. I am finding that it is harder to hit 15 consistently, so instead of just calling it a day, I am working to hit it when I am behind. It is not every day, but a few times a week. What dictates it is how much I get at work, or on the way home. Instead of saying hey, I hit it 3 times last week lets move the bar, I am looking at saying lets hit the bar a few weeks in a row, then move it up. Again, consistent will get me there a lot better than pushing hard, getting burned out, falling backwards, then trying again in a few weeks or months.
The big takeaway here is that the adjustment, the one thing that changed in the last week is the need to be X by X. In the past a lot of my goals were set around the calendar. If by Christmas I am X then I get such and such for Christmas. If I am such and such by the state fair, then I get a new belt. Instead of: This year, at the fair I am buying a new belt from the good belt guy at the fair. Instead of: By August X I will have lost X weight so will get new work pants, it becomes When I can't cinch my pants anymore and need new ones, I will get new ones. What it means is the rewards can be bigger but they are not tied to a particular week, or month but instead, when I hit it, I do, and at that point I get such and such reward. if it is in 3 weeks, awesome, if it is in 3 months, that is OK too. What matters is keeping with it, not turning back before I reach the goal, and knowing that it is OK to go slow, if it means reaching it instead of running hard, and then not having anything left to keep up the long game. What matters is the destination, not how quickly I get there.
Therein lied the problem. Any rate, no matter how much we want it to be stays the same. This week may be a drop of 5 pounds, next week 1. Over time it is easy to start out ahead, then when the curve hits and I am now 5 pounds behind my goal rate, it is easy to get frustrated, discouraged, and "take a break". Unfortunately the breaks last longer than I wanted, so 2 days becomes 3 then a week. Next thing I know, clothes are fitting tighter and I am upset because I let myself slide.
This week everything changed for me. All it took was a new perspective. What if, it was not about a timetable, what if it was about making healthy choices. What did it matter if I reached my goal in 52 weeks or 104 if I got there? What if I gave myself enough room for it all to be OK, as long as I was working on it with some diligence? The answer I found was that all of it was OK. For years, when I was on it, I pushed hard, VERY hard. Instead of walking a mile a day to get started I pushed it to 5 a day. Instead of slowing down what I was eating, I dropped off a lot, really really quick. What it meant was that I got burned out quickly.
This week it became OK to be where I was, and to be working where I was to get where I wanted to be. Do I have to loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks? No, especially if it does not stay off. Is it OK if I keep on it, loose nothing this week, stay on my plan, next week only loose 1 but am staying consistent on exercise and eating right? You betcha. The key is the long game. Not what can I loose this week, but where is the overall trend? Not what can I lift today, but am I working towards my goals to my own satisfaction? Can I push harder? Yes, Am I likely to get warn out? You betcha. The key is little steps for an end game, not huge ones now, only to back track, and fall further behind.
I have been at my current weight before. 5 years ago, on my 28th birthday, I weighed what I thought was a lot. In truth, it was 5 pounds under where I am now. For years, I had a picture of me from my 28th birthday, on things to motivate me into a perspective of "never again". In September of last year, I was up to 30 pounds over that "Never Again weight". This time it is different.
Since June I am down almost 15 pounds. Using my FitBit I started with a goal of 10,000 steps a day which turned into 12,000 then 14,300, then 15,000 really quickly. I am finding that it is harder to hit 15 consistently, so instead of just calling it a day, I am working to hit it when I am behind. It is not every day, but a few times a week. What dictates it is how much I get at work, or on the way home. Instead of saying hey, I hit it 3 times last week lets move the bar, I am looking at saying lets hit the bar a few weeks in a row, then move it up. Again, consistent will get me there a lot better than pushing hard, getting burned out, falling backwards, then trying again in a few weeks or months.
The big takeaway here is that the adjustment, the one thing that changed in the last week is the need to be X by X. In the past a lot of my goals were set around the calendar. If by Christmas I am X then I get such and such for Christmas. If I am such and such by the state fair, then I get a new belt. Instead of: This year, at the fair I am buying a new belt from the good belt guy at the fair. Instead of: By August X I will have lost X weight so will get new work pants, it becomes When I can't cinch my pants anymore and need new ones, I will get new ones. What it means is the rewards can be bigger but they are not tied to a particular week, or month but instead, when I hit it, I do, and at that point I get such and such reward. if it is in 3 weeks, awesome, if it is in 3 months, that is OK too. What matters is keeping with it, not turning back before I reach the goal, and knowing that it is OK to go slow, if it means reaching it instead of running hard, and then not having anything left to keep up the long game. What matters is the destination, not how quickly I get there.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Giving up or not.
When is it time to throw in the towel and call it, and when do you continue despite the setbacks and hardships?
This has been on my mind a lot as of late. There are 2 kinds of hanging on as I see it. The first is hanging on to things for longer than they are useful because it is easier than letting go, free falling into the unknown and risking the chance of failing. The other is giving up when the going gets tough because it may not be worth the trials for the pay off. This weekend may have changed my perspective some on which is which and what the coping mechanism is.
In the last over a month I have been working on exercising, and loosing the dreaded huge amount of fat that I want to loose. I have been successful, though perhaps moderately. This is nothing new. It is a familiar cycle I find myself in, Work hard, see progress, take a "break", back slide, get mad because it did not work. It is hardly something new. Sometimes it is easier to give up, than to keep going. Sometimes the answer is that it is just not right, and so forcing things is harder than letting them go and walking away. Sometimes giving up is the right thing to do.
We don't like that idea though. Countless times in the past I have heard speeches from people who wish to inspire basically saying "Congratulations for making it this far, not many people do, so you must be something special." I have always wondered, is this true, or is it a way of motivating people to think that they are the best and no one else can do what they are doing. I have heard it at workplaces, and about dojo's and parts of the military. You are the best, and have the most dedication. You are more dedicated and discipline than anyone else. (Thus you are better, we are left to assume)
Yesterday, I heard it in a meeting but it was different. Basically it went like this: "Things are not going to get easier, they will likely get harder." (implication that if now was too much later would be worse) "You have to ask yourself if it is worth it to stay and deal with that, or is it time to go somewhere else." After the meeting I took a good long walk. (would have made it the 6 miles home had my wife not picked me up) I have found that just walking, even if it is in 100 degree heat helps me sort my thoughts. So yesterday I wondered when is it right to stay with it, fight with it, realizing it is only going to get harder, and when is it OK to throw in the towel and walk away.
I have had plenty of times in the past when I choose the second option. Things got real, there was no way I would win, so I walked away. Jobs, Relationships, hobbies, what started out fun for it's own sake turned to frustration at the way in which it was going, and so I walked away. Sometimes it was not a full walk away, but walking away from a task or a part of something. When I got frustrated with not being able to meet the physical requirements for my sword rank advancements, I essentially said, "There is no way I will be in the shape required so I can pass them, so I will stop trying to advance in class rank."
Walking away was always on the table. Get written up for something at work, which means years of hard work meaning little since the write up was now in my file? Walk away, the job was not worth it and I could find something else. Walking away can be healthy, though we do not talk that way. In sword if someone starts then leaves, it is something against them, not, maybe it is not their thing. All the while patting ourselves on the back for being the "Survivors" or "More Hardcore". We are the people who feel that we are the best, and only if you walk our way can you be the best. Frankly it is bull.
I have walked away from a lot of things. Sometimes I wrote it off as taking a break, but it was walking away. There is nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is the idea that if you do not do ABC then you are not as cool or great as we are, but that feels like a part of the human condition we have to overcome.
On Sunday I went on a hike. It was a warm day and the trail was rocky. Walking into it I thought it was going to be a quick easy hike up to a pretty lake, then a beer and lunch then back down. After 2 hours on the trail. the 3.25 miles felt like it was forever. When we got, there it was one of the most beautiful lakes I remember seeing, added to that is was that it felt like it was so hard that it added to the beauty. When I was half way down, I was ready to quit, but funny thing about it, at that point I had no choice but to keep going.
I could have quit any time. I could have walked up taken a look at the inclines and simply given up. That was an option. There would have been nothing wrong with that. I would have missed out at the top, but I did not know the pay off, so would not have known any better.
But I think that is the point. Someone once told me that you had to decide what it was that you wanted and say no to everything that may get in the way of that. In the past, I have said no to a lot of things when I was "Taking a break".
I am done with that crap. It's OK to give up, it is not OK to give up and complain about it. It is OK to say no, or not today, but it is not OK to say no, then complain about not getting to see the lake. What matters most of all is to ask "is this where I want to go, is this part of something I truly desire?" and if it is not walk away, and be OK with walking away so you can get the things you need. It is not easy, but it is OK. If I had not walked away from one job to another years ago, I would not have met the people I did, or learned what I did. It's OK to walk away, just do not complain when others see the lake and you don't get to.
On Sunday I went on a hike. It was a warm day and the trail was rocky. Walking into it I thought it was going to be a quick easy hike up to a pretty lake, then a beer and lunch then back down. After 2 hours on the trail. the 3.25 miles felt like it was forever. When we got, there it was one of the most beautiful lakes I remember seeing, added to that is was that it felt like it was so hard that it added to the beauty. When I was half way down, I was ready to quit, but funny thing about it, at that point I had no choice but to keep going.
I could have quit any time. I could have walked up taken a look at the inclines and simply given up. That was an option. There would have been nothing wrong with that. I would have missed out at the top, but I did not know the pay off, so would not have known any better.
But I think that is the point. Someone once told me that you had to decide what it was that you wanted and say no to everything that may get in the way of that. In the past, I have said no to a lot of things when I was "Taking a break".
I am done with that crap. It's OK to give up, it is not OK to give up and complain about it. It is OK to say no, or not today, but it is not OK to say no, then complain about not getting to see the lake. What matters most of all is to ask "is this where I want to go, is this part of something I truly desire?" and if it is not walk away, and be OK with walking away so you can get the things you need. It is not easy, but it is OK. If I had not walked away from one job to another years ago, I would not have met the people I did, or learned what I did. It's OK to walk away, just do not complain when others see the lake and you don't get to.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Getting there and back again: Combat Con
For years there were excuses.
I can't because of... distance, time, money, reasons.
That ended a little bit ago when my wife said that if I wanted to go to Combat Con 2014 for my birthday weekend that we would figure out how to make it happen. Sometimes that is all it takes.
This last weekend 2 things happened, I went to my first larger sword event, and I turned 33. One of these things would have happened regardless. If the excuses had kept up, the other one would not have.
The thing is that living in Utah, HEMA for me, is pretty culturally limited. There is another group near by but other than the 2 of us, there is nothing for 400 miles around. At one time that would have meant total cultural isolation, in the world of the internet, it means often times a lot of reasons why not to do something. A flight to the east coast, where many events are held annually, costs me 300 dollars, the event plus lodging transportation and the like means they are not cheap to get to. Add to that the fact that I was lacking equipment I needed to compete, the excuses just added up. There was plenty of reasons not to, what I did not see was that there was just as many reasons if not more to make it work, and the pay off is actually more valuable than the time and money put into it.
What changed as a friend put it was from I can't to "Fuck it". You see, for all that time there were reasons I couldn't. A major one being money. It is not cheap to travel and train. It is not cheap to get enough gear that you can compete on a larger level than your own home group. All of that is true, when it is big bite thinking. Sure, I did not have an extra 350 dollars for a sword that I could use in the steel tournament, but what I did have was 5 dollars, or 10 dollars, or 50 here and there that added up to it. If I cut back on eating at the cafeteria at work one day a week, I could save 7 or 8 dollars. If I did it multiple times, it added up quick. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the now for the bigger pay off. Of course I had heard that before, I knew it, but I still let things stand in my way. 200 for event fees was not easy, nor was 250 for hotel for the weekend, but it became easy when I realized that if I slipped a little money each pay check away (enough that I did not notice it being gone) that it added up on its own. If I helped it by adding to that money I would have spent buying things I did not need like eating out when I could make food at home, suddenly there was a change and it all showed up.
Again, I knew this. I have done it before when things looked a lot harder, but I had let the excuses stand in my way.
The change was moving from "I can't" to "How can I?". It is a minor change, but it has big repercussions. One says there is not a way, the other gets the brain working. "I can't" shuts it down, "How can I?" means that you are looking for ways to. Not big ways, like winning the lottery and that is the only way to get there, but small things like gathering change or doing little side things for a little extra money. "How can I?" means that there is a way, and all I need to do is figure out how to make it work. So, last week, walking into it, I knew it was happening, I was ready, and more to the point, I had made it work.
This does not mean that I am going to everything throughout the year. But it means that here is where I start. It may be next year before I go to another, but 1 a year beats none a year.
All of that being said, here is my review:
I have not been to this casino, or another event so I have nothing to compare it to with that in mind the following happened:
I was put in a pool with 3 other really good fencers.
I did not win any of my bouts (or if I did, it was less important)
I never felt so out classed that I could not keep pace with them. When the head is 4 points, the body is 3, legs 2, and arms 1, a loss of 8 points could mean that you simply lost a couple of exchanges ant they hit you in the head twice. One of my friends who came down with us lost a match by 4 but when you realize it was tied until the last exchange, it is hardly a big loss.
So what did I learn from it? I met some great people in person who I had only exchanged messages online with. I took a lot of classes and picked up a lot of new drills and info. I learned some what I have been doing sloppy for awhile, and needs to be fixed to be able to push myself to the next level. (Tournaments will teach you where your weaknesses are more than in drilling or fun sparring ever will) But I learned something else as well. I learned that I am on the right track. Through classes I realized that some of my instincts are pretty right on. Some are not, but it feels good to know that I am on track, and with a little work could really make that better.
Going in, I was worried. What if I show up and I do look like a fool? What if I show up thinking I know what I am doing and I get my ass handed to me because I am off in left field. What I found out is that I am not. Maybe I am a bit slower, maybe I am not in the shape I want to be, but I am not totally wrong about everything and need to go back to square one with it all. Do I need to work to improve? Of course. Is it a major course correction that requires I throw out all of my ideas on everything and start at square one again? Absolutely not, and that among everything else is the lesson I gained from this weekend. Yes I learned some great tricks and tips some new drills to add to my personal training and things to share with my class, but the confidence that I can at least hold my own and am doing OK even if I am not the best out there makes it all worth it. It was worth the having a sandwich from home for lunch or doing other things to save money so I could get there, instead of using it on other things and complaining that it was never accessible. It was worth all of it, so I could get that lesson. and that is something I can't but help be happy about. It was a fantastic weekend and though the drive was a pain, I learned so much.
In closing I want to say thank you to my wife who encourages me, though she never wanted to learn anything about sword, and will never join my class she is a huge part of it by supporting me in all I am trying to do with it. I also want to thank those who pushed me. The ones I got mad at because they made me push my (perceived) limits. The Mike Edelsons of the world, who made me push my own buttons, and got me riled up enough that I came around to see that though I could not make 10 events a year, 1 or 2 was definitely within reach, and if not that to do something locally. No more excuses. I also want to thank everyone I met this weekend who were so kind to me. It was nice to meet people I have known online for a long long time, but got to meet in person for the first time, some of whom I had the distinct pleasure of crossing blades with for tournament or just for fun.
What a spectacular way to spend my 33rd birthday.
I can't because of... distance, time, money, reasons.
That ended a little bit ago when my wife said that if I wanted to go to Combat Con 2014 for my birthday weekend that we would figure out how to make it happen. Sometimes that is all it takes.
This last weekend 2 things happened, I went to my first larger sword event, and I turned 33. One of these things would have happened regardless. If the excuses had kept up, the other one would not have.
The thing is that living in Utah, HEMA for me, is pretty culturally limited. There is another group near by but other than the 2 of us, there is nothing for 400 miles around. At one time that would have meant total cultural isolation, in the world of the internet, it means often times a lot of reasons why not to do something. A flight to the east coast, where many events are held annually, costs me 300 dollars, the event plus lodging transportation and the like means they are not cheap to get to. Add to that the fact that I was lacking equipment I needed to compete, the excuses just added up. There was plenty of reasons not to, what I did not see was that there was just as many reasons if not more to make it work, and the pay off is actually more valuable than the time and money put into it.
What changed as a friend put it was from I can't to "Fuck it". You see, for all that time there were reasons I couldn't. A major one being money. It is not cheap to travel and train. It is not cheap to get enough gear that you can compete on a larger level than your own home group. All of that is true, when it is big bite thinking. Sure, I did not have an extra 350 dollars for a sword that I could use in the steel tournament, but what I did have was 5 dollars, or 10 dollars, or 50 here and there that added up to it. If I cut back on eating at the cafeteria at work one day a week, I could save 7 or 8 dollars. If I did it multiple times, it added up quick. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the now for the bigger pay off. Of course I had heard that before, I knew it, but I still let things stand in my way. 200 for event fees was not easy, nor was 250 for hotel for the weekend, but it became easy when I realized that if I slipped a little money each pay check away (enough that I did not notice it being gone) that it added up on its own. If I helped it by adding to that money I would have spent buying things I did not need like eating out when I could make food at home, suddenly there was a change and it all showed up.
Again, I knew this. I have done it before when things looked a lot harder, but I had let the excuses stand in my way.
The change was moving from "I can't" to "How can I?". It is a minor change, but it has big repercussions. One says there is not a way, the other gets the brain working. "I can't" shuts it down, "How can I?" means that you are looking for ways to. Not big ways, like winning the lottery and that is the only way to get there, but small things like gathering change or doing little side things for a little extra money. "How can I?" means that there is a way, and all I need to do is figure out how to make it work. So, last week, walking into it, I knew it was happening, I was ready, and more to the point, I had made it work.
This does not mean that I am going to everything throughout the year. But it means that here is where I start. It may be next year before I go to another, but 1 a year beats none a year.
All of that being said, here is my review:
I have not been to this casino, or another event so I have nothing to compare it to with that in mind the following happened:
I was put in a pool with 3 other really good fencers.
I did not win any of my bouts (or if I did, it was less important)
I never felt so out classed that I could not keep pace with them. When the head is 4 points, the body is 3, legs 2, and arms 1, a loss of 8 points could mean that you simply lost a couple of exchanges ant they hit you in the head twice. One of my friends who came down with us lost a match by 4 but when you realize it was tied until the last exchange, it is hardly a big loss.
So what did I learn from it? I met some great people in person who I had only exchanged messages online with. I took a lot of classes and picked up a lot of new drills and info. I learned some what I have been doing sloppy for awhile, and needs to be fixed to be able to push myself to the next level. (Tournaments will teach you where your weaknesses are more than in drilling or fun sparring ever will) But I learned something else as well. I learned that I am on the right track. Through classes I realized that some of my instincts are pretty right on. Some are not, but it feels good to know that I am on track, and with a little work could really make that better.
Going in, I was worried. What if I show up and I do look like a fool? What if I show up thinking I know what I am doing and I get my ass handed to me because I am off in left field. What I found out is that I am not. Maybe I am a bit slower, maybe I am not in the shape I want to be, but I am not totally wrong about everything and need to go back to square one with it all. Do I need to work to improve? Of course. Is it a major course correction that requires I throw out all of my ideas on everything and start at square one again? Absolutely not, and that among everything else is the lesson I gained from this weekend. Yes I learned some great tricks and tips some new drills to add to my personal training and things to share with my class, but the confidence that I can at least hold my own and am doing OK even if I am not the best out there makes it all worth it. It was worth the having a sandwich from home for lunch or doing other things to save money so I could get there, instead of using it on other things and complaining that it was never accessible. It was worth all of it, so I could get that lesson. and that is something I can't but help be happy about. It was a fantastic weekend and though the drive was a pain, I learned so much.
In closing I want to say thank you to my wife who encourages me, though she never wanted to learn anything about sword, and will never join my class she is a huge part of it by supporting me in all I am trying to do with it. I also want to thank those who pushed me. The ones I got mad at because they made me push my (perceived) limits. The Mike Edelsons of the world, who made me push my own buttons, and got me riled up enough that I came around to see that though I could not make 10 events a year, 1 or 2 was definitely within reach, and if not that to do something locally. No more excuses. I also want to thank everyone I met this weekend who were so kind to me. It was nice to meet people I have known online for a long long time, but got to meet in person for the first time, some of whom I had the distinct pleasure of crossing blades with for tournament or just for fun.
What a spectacular way to spend my 33rd birthday.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Why do I participate in HEMA?
On a poll online I was asked: what motivates you to study/compete/participate in HEMA,
There were a lot of options but it made me think about it. Why do I do sword?
To me, it is personal betterment. Any form of self improvement comes down to that. It comes down to this: All my life I have been judged one way or another, all of us have it is a part of being in a cultural society. For a long time my personal value was tied to the things I had or did not have. It was all about what others thought of me, and if they thought badly, It must be something that I needed to fix or prove rather than something that was their perspective.
So what has changed for me?
6 months ago I did very poorly in my sword competition. My first match was great, the next 2 not so great and I ended up placing where I really had no intention coming in there to be. Things kind of snowballed, I had some bad exchanges in my second match, and got discouraged, now I was down, my third match should have been better but I let the cloud of the first loss run things and so, my third round was not as good as it should have been. This is not to say I had bad opponents, but mentally, because I was not doing well and I let that color how well I was doing. I beat myself in ways that my opponents could not. In light of that, I decided that I needed to work harder internally than I had before, Worry less about how many points I was down, and work more on each exchange, looking at them for feedback. Try something and it did not work? Try again, or do something else. That worked? Great, lets do something else. Have a plan in mind, and let my body execute it. Make the opponent fight the way I want them to, and do what I want. If it does not work, try something else, or try it again. You do not win a match in one large chunk, but by winning the most exchanges. or less with the most points scored.
What changed for me was the game.
I am now rounding 3 more training weeks until our local competition. In some ways, I am in much better shape physically than I was last time. I am running several times a week. I am eating better and watching what I am doing more often. I am in no way in peak condition, but I am getting better. I have been taking a Fencing class to spend some time working on the speed of my feet, and feel like in many ways it is helping, and overall I am working on speeding up my slow methodical way of fighting to pick up some faster, and better timed things.
All of that is recent. 6 months ago, I was winning all of my matches. Now it is hit and miss on how well I am doing, but I feel like somethings are going better and if I can focus those things, and drop the attachment to definite placing I feel that I may be able to do what I need to. For me the fight has to come from inside. I have to focus, even if it is after a few points scored against me.
A few months back, when I really dedicated myself to running and training multiple times a week. I realized something. Perfection is not a destination, it is not towards perfection that I must strive, but to do as well as I can, each moment, not being, attached to the outcome, but to my pest in each step of the path towards it. This is what my goal is, this is what I do it for. I will never be the best swordsman in the world. but as long as I am working on it and doing all I can to improve, then that will be enough. Anything short of it, is cheating myself. My instructor wants me to do well, my fellow students want me to do well, but unless I remain focused and dedicated to myself I am cheating myself out of my best.
Albert Einstein once said: "Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person."
For me, the reason to persist and continue to push my limits is to become better. It is in training that I learn my limits and sometimes, find out that the limits I have are more imagination than real. I find out just what I am made of, and sometimes I find out that where I thought all I was, was slow and awkward, was really just me limiting what my real potential was. I do HEMA to figure out what I can do, what I may not be able to yet, and sometimes I do it to surprise myself just how little space there is between the two.
There were a lot of options but it made me think about it. Why do I do sword?
To me, it is personal betterment. Any form of self improvement comes down to that. It comes down to this: All my life I have been judged one way or another, all of us have it is a part of being in a cultural society. For a long time my personal value was tied to the things I had or did not have. It was all about what others thought of me, and if they thought badly, It must be something that I needed to fix or prove rather than something that was their perspective.
So what has changed for me?
6 months ago I did very poorly in my sword competition. My first match was great, the next 2 not so great and I ended up placing where I really had no intention coming in there to be. Things kind of snowballed, I had some bad exchanges in my second match, and got discouraged, now I was down, my third match should have been better but I let the cloud of the first loss run things and so, my third round was not as good as it should have been. This is not to say I had bad opponents, but mentally, because I was not doing well and I let that color how well I was doing. I beat myself in ways that my opponents could not. In light of that, I decided that I needed to work harder internally than I had before, Worry less about how many points I was down, and work more on each exchange, looking at them for feedback. Try something and it did not work? Try again, or do something else. That worked? Great, lets do something else. Have a plan in mind, and let my body execute it. Make the opponent fight the way I want them to, and do what I want. If it does not work, try something else, or try it again. You do not win a match in one large chunk, but by winning the most exchanges. or less with the most points scored.
What changed for me was the game.
I am now rounding 3 more training weeks until our local competition. In some ways, I am in much better shape physically than I was last time. I am running several times a week. I am eating better and watching what I am doing more often. I am in no way in peak condition, but I am getting better. I have been taking a Fencing class to spend some time working on the speed of my feet, and feel like in many ways it is helping, and overall I am working on speeding up my slow methodical way of fighting to pick up some faster, and better timed things.
All of that is recent. 6 months ago, I was winning all of my matches. Now it is hit and miss on how well I am doing, but I feel like somethings are going better and if I can focus those things, and drop the attachment to definite placing I feel that I may be able to do what I need to. For me the fight has to come from inside. I have to focus, even if it is after a few points scored against me.
A few months back, when I really dedicated myself to running and training multiple times a week. I realized something. Perfection is not a destination, it is not towards perfection that I must strive, but to do as well as I can, each moment, not being, attached to the outcome, but to my pest in each step of the path towards it. This is what my goal is, this is what I do it for. I will never be the best swordsman in the world. but as long as I am working on it and doing all I can to improve, then that will be enough. Anything short of it, is cheating myself. My instructor wants me to do well, my fellow students want me to do well, but unless I remain focused and dedicated to myself I am cheating myself out of my best.
Albert Einstein once said: "Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person."
For me, the reason to persist and continue to push my limits is to become better. It is in training that I learn my limits and sometimes, find out that the limits I have are more imagination than real. I find out just what I am made of, and sometimes I find out that where I thought all I was, was slow and awkward, was really just me limiting what my real potential was. I do HEMA to figure out what I can do, what I may not be able to yet, and sometimes I do it to surprise myself just how little space there is between the two.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
On faith: an evolutionary realization, Not sword related.
This morning I watched the HBO documentary Questioning Darwin, and had an interesting revelation about faith and purpose for me, as well as my understanding of the world around me.
In the documentary they spoke quite a bit about Charles Darwin's journey and though not talked about in depth they touched on some of his struggle with releasing his findings. In it, they also spoke to some Christians who refute his theory of evolution, preferring the creationist belief that God created the world in 6 days, and it all happened as the bible told under 6,000 years ago. I am not going to get into my take on this as I find it irrelevant, but there was something in all of that which seemed to underlie some of this belief. and it began to make me think about life and meaning and how we as people connect the two.
There were several people who as I heard it anyway said that if the bible was not true, and if the creation of the world was not done as outlined that our lives would not mean as much, and our meaning would be lessened, as if the story of creation is not true, it begins to unravel the fabric of their belief and as such the only way for the rest of the faith in the Bible to be true was for a literal translation of the bible.
I have also heard, over the years that people, without God's laws fall into chaos and would not be good people without the word of God as outlined in the (Christian) bible and so, prayer in school is needed, and teaching of biblical thought, should be required in schools to counter this kind of failure in faith that leads people to do bad things and leave the grace of God himself.
There are some, who the belief in their faith makes life meaningful for. I do not hear in these cry's desperation, but hope, and faith that they are doing what is right for them because they believe it is right. Along those lines since it is what they believe is right, they would like to encourage others to follow the same path, because it is one that works for them. That there is only one true way, and all who do not follow it, they either do not know better or have not seen the truth in it and should be shown the way.
I have also known plenty of people, who are, as I see them people of good upstanding character who have no faith, or no concept of something beyond themselves that still act in a way that I think most would call good. Some of these call themselves atheist, some call themselves agnostic, some at one time had a faith that they grew up in, or had at one time in their lives, but through means have fallen away from the faith because of the way that it was practiced or the actions of a person or group of individuals in the faith and as such have not found someplace they feel is their Spiritual home. More to the point, they are not looking for one, it has no purpose to them.
What struck me in this documentary was something that I had not given a lot of thought to, which was, some people rely on their faith to give their lives meaning. To me, that is a great thing. If that means that you go to church and pray and do what you do because it is your belief that it is what God wants you to do and from that you are good to your neighbors, and work to be a good person, then to me that is awesome. If embracing evolution is something that you cannot do because it shakes that, then I understand a reason behind fighting against it, to you, it is an attack on you and your faith without which life simply would not have the same meaning.
So the thing that really strikes me is that we, as humans look for our place in the world. Since long before we had agriculture, and probably since before we were humans even, we have had a burning desire to figure out what that place was. We want to know what happens to us after we die. Is it lights out and that is all? Is it an afterlife in a land of milk and honey? Do we return and live again to become better and better until we can break free from the cycle of life and death?
Ancient people answered these questions different ways. Some answers were in the questions asked. Yes we live on as something else or something more, no, we do not and go to an underworld presided over by Hades, yes we are reborn into another life over and over until we reach perfection, then we are free from the cycle. But what all of these answers created for the ones asking and answering them was a purpose and meaning to life.
I know some Atheist who believe that life is only what we experience with our 5 senses, and that when we come to die, it is only the purpose that we have had here, and the impact that we have made that matters. I also know some Christians who believe that living a good life is important because it means that when we come to die, that we will live a good life after we are gone that we would not had we not been good to one another. I think the irony in both is that without knowing what the person's faith was, you may not be able to tell them apart by the life that they lead. The Atheist helps someone bring in their groceries not because they are building up good Karma here in life, but because it makes them feel good to help out someone else. The Christian who feeds the neighbor kid who they know does not have food at home to eat, may be doing it because it is right to help each other, or because love one another is something they believe in, or even because doing so will help them feel like they are being a good Christian and is good in the eyes of God who, when they come to die, will judge them and so, should be as good as they can.
What matters, regardless of faith, is that we find something that makes life worth it. If Darwin was right, and that shakes your faith so badly that you could not live a good life. Then I support you believing what you do so that you are a good person. If believing that there is nothing more than the life we lead and as such it drives you to be a better person, then at the end of the day it is a good thing as anyway that we as people can make the world better makes it better for all of us.
Maybe it is just me, but I would rather a room full of people who are good regardless of their faith then people who are not, because of their faith. I would rather a christian who is doing good works to help his neighbor because it is the right thing to do, then the one who is mean and terrible to them because they do not agree on the nature of life, and death, and what it all means.
We will not all see eye to eye on things. That is the nature of individuals living together. But that does not mean that because we do not see eye to eye that we cannot be friends based on what we do agree on. I would rather a atheist who does not steal from my house, then someone who shares the same faith that does. I would rather a neighbor who I can greet if I see them on the street, then one who will not talk to me because they do not share my faith. What it comes down to is that it is better to have good people around you who for whatever reason they are doing the right thing are being good people to each other, then 10,000 who share the same belief in the nature of life and death, but who are cruel to those who do not share it.
The last thing I want to say is this. We do not agree 100% on anything I promise you, but why not build laws that support the things we do have in common. No one likes having their stuff stolen. I am not sure there are a lot of people who believe that killing people is a good and just thing to do without definite cause. If we are going to live together, we have to respect each other, we do not have to agree, but you can respect someones right to choice without letting it have bearing on you. I do not smoke, but if I went around beating people up who choose that for themselves, then I would be a jerk and deserve the repercussions of that. So I can do this. Not smoke, choose to not be around those who do, and let those who do, do it, it is their choice and not mine. If there is conflict, lets agree to sit down at the table and talk about solutions that work for both of us, not just my way, or just your way, but a way that is somewhere in the middle, that though not perfect for both, works enough for both of us. If at the end of my life, my decisions are wrong, and my choices were bad ones, then let me face my maker and face my judgement on my own, If you are right, it will happen either way anyway, so let that me my cross to bear, until then lets try to work together rather than
In the documentary they spoke quite a bit about Charles Darwin's journey and though not talked about in depth they touched on some of his struggle with releasing his findings. In it, they also spoke to some Christians who refute his theory of evolution, preferring the creationist belief that God created the world in 6 days, and it all happened as the bible told under 6,000 years ago. I am not going to get into my take on this as I find it irrelevant, but there was something in all of that which seemed to underlie some of this belief. and it began to make me think about life and meaning and how we as people connect the two.
There were several people who as I heard it anyway said that if the bible was not true, and if the creation of the world was not done as outlined that our lives would not mean as much, and our meaning would be lessened, as if the story of creation is not true, it begins to unravel the fabric of their belief and as such the only way for the rest of the faith in the Bible to be true was for a literal translation of the bible.
I have also heard, over the years that people, without God's laws fall into chaos and would not be good people without the word of God as outlined in the (Christian) bible and so, prayer in school is needed, and teaching of biblical thought, should be required in schools to counter this kind of failure in faith that leads people to do bad things and leave the grace of God himself.
There are some, who the belief in their faith makes life meaningful for. I do not hear in these cry's desperation, but hope, and faith that they are doing what is right for them because they believe it is right. Along those lines since it is what they believe is right, they would like to encourage others to follow the same path, because it is one that works for them. That there is only one true way, and all who do not follow it, they either do not know better or have not seen the truth in it and should be shown the way.
I have also known plenty of people, who are, as I see them people of good upstanding character who have no faith, or no concept of something beyond themselves that still act in a way that I think most would call good. Some of these call themselves atheist, some call themselves agnostic, some at one time had a faith that they grew up in, or had at one time in their lives, but through means have fallen away from the faith because of the way that it was practiced or the actions of a person or group of individuals in the faith and as such have not found someplace they feel is their Spiritual home. More to the point, they are not looking for one, it has no purpose to them.
What struck me in this documentary was something that I had not given a lot of thought to, which was, some people rely on their faith to give their lives meaning. To me, that is a great thing. If that means that you go to church and pray and do what you do because it is your belief that it is what God wants you to do and from that you are good to your neighbors, and work to be a good person, then to me that is awesome. If embracing evolution is something that you cannot do because it shakes that, then I understand a reason behind fighting against it, to you, it is an attack on you and your faith without which life simply would not have the same meaning.
So the thing that really strikes me is that we, as humans look for our place in the world. Since long before we had agriculture, and probably since before we were humans even, we have had a burning desire to figure out what that place was. We want to know what happens to us after we die. Is it lights out and that is all? Is it an afterlife in a land of milk and honey? Do we return and live again to become better and better until we can break free from the cycle of life and death?
Ancient people answered these questions different ways. Some answers were in the questions asked. Yes we live on as something else or something more, no, we do not and go to an underworld presided over by Hades, yes we are reborn into another life over and over until we reach perfection, then we are free from the cycle. But what all of these answers created for the ones asking and answering them was a purpose and meaning to life.
I know some Atheist who believe that life is only what we experience with our 5 senses, and that when we come to die, it is only the purpose that we have had here, and the impact that we have made that matters. I also know some Christians who believe that living a good life is important because it means that when we come to die, that we will live a good life after we are gone that we would not had we not been good to one another. I think the irony in both is that without knowing what the person's faith was, you may not be able to tell them apart by the life that they lead. The Atheist helps someone bring in their groceries not because they are building up good Karma here in life, but because it makes them feel good to help out someone else. The Christian who feeds the neighbor kid who they know does not have food at home to eat, may be doing it because it is right to help each other, or because love one another is something they believe in, or even because doing so will help them feel like they are being a good Christian and is good in the eyes of God who, when they come to die, will judge them and so, should be as good as they can.
What matters, regardless of faith, is that we find something that makes life worth it. If Darwin was right, and that shakes your faith so badly that you could not live a good life. Then I support you believing what you do so that you are a good person. If believing that there is nothing more than the life we lead and as such it drives you to be a better person, then at the end of the day it is a good thing as anyway that we as people can make the world better makes it better for all of us.
Maybe it is just me, but I would rather a room full of people who are good regardless of their faith then people who are not, because of their faith. I would rather a christian who is doing good works to help his neighbor because it is the right thing to do, then the one who is mean and terrible to them because they do not agree on the nature of life, and death, and what it all means.
We will not all see eye to eye on things. That is the nature of individuals living together. But that does not mean that because we do not see eye to eye that we cannot be friends based on what we do agree on. I would rather a atheist who does not steal from my house, then someone who shares the same faith that does. I would rather a neighbor who I can greet if I see them on the street, then one who will not talk to me because they do not share my faith. What it comes down to is that it is better to have good people around you who for whatever reason they are doing the right thing are being good people to each other, then 10,000 who share the same belief in the nature of life and death, but who are cruel to those who do not share it.
The last thing I want to say is this. We do not agree 100% on anything I promise you, but why not build laws that support the things we do have in common. No one likes having their stuff stolen. I am not sure there are a lot of people who believe that killing people is a good and just thing to do without definite cause. If we are going to live together, we have to respect each other, we do not have to agree, but you can respect someones right to choice without letting it have bearing on you. I do not smoke, but if I went around beating people up who choose that for themselves, then I would be a jerk and deserve the repercussions of that. So I can do this. Not smoke, choose to not be around those who do, and let those who do, do it, it is their choice and not mine. If there is conflict, lets agree to sit down at the table and talk about solutions that work for both of us, not just my way, or just your way, but a way that is somewhere in the middle, that though not perfect for both, works enough for both of us. If at the end of my life, my decisions are wrong, and my choices were bad ones, then let me face my maker and face my judgement on my own, If you are right, it will happen either way anyway, so let that me my cross to bear, until then lets try to work together rather than
Monday, March 3, 2014
Training and thinking about a lot.
Every man is a hero of his own story.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker
This has gone through my mind a lot lately. Over the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of running and exercise, and as a part of it, have been posting quite a bit about it on Facebook. In the past, it has been easy to see people posting about their work outs and thinking, good for them, I am happy they are doing something they like, but so what to me?
What occurs to me about it is that when I do the same thing, I am at best, a supporting character in someone else's story, just as they are in mine. What is interesting is the way it makes me think about other people. Here they are, doing their life, and I am doing mine, and to a huge majority of the world, I will be a unknown, as billions of people are to me. If we meet on the street, I am just another person, another face in the crowd, as countless are to me. It is strange to think of it that way, but in a big way, it is important to think that way. Your life is about you, your family, your kids, your friends, the things you are passionate about, the things that you dislike, somewhere in that may be some overlap with my life, but even my wife, who I am the very closest to in my life, is not me or my story 100%. It is an interesting perspective, and something to keep in mind when dealing with others.
With all of that in mind, and given that it has been awhile since I posted, here is what I am working on right now. It may not be your story, but if someone else can get anything out of it, then it is reason enough to share it.
Before the winter, I had started on a couch to 5K program. When it snowed I stopped but was trying to work on staying more active. In September I weighted 346 pounds, since that time I have lost about 16 or 17 and it fluctuates a lot depending on the day, my diet and whatnot. I have decided that the weight is not as important as how I am doing at certain things, and in that I feel like I am making progress. 3 weeks ago, when I went back to running I was able to start where I left off without a problem so for that I am very happy. In the past 3 weeks thing have changed more and though the number is not changing, I am able to run a lot longer than I could when I started.
Perhaps ability is not the question, but knowing how far I can go, when I would have stopped before. Since pushing myself a little bit, I am feeling like I can do some things much much better. In sword class when I used to get winded in a match, I can, if not push longer and harder, at very least, not be as winded.
Some other things have come out of the last few weeks that I am really starting to enjoy. At 7:00 almost every night, my wife and I have started turning off the TV and taken the last couple of hours of our evening to read, or in my case, work in the garage, read, exercise or do something else that is not sitting in front of the TV. A key is the DVR, so if there is a show that we usually watch, it can be recorded to watch later. It has really helped me have some control of things since now, I "have the time" to work out.
The other thing was a bit of a slap in the face that woke me up about some things. I was having a discussion with some people in HEMA nationally and was called on some of my stuff about, "I can't do everything because I am fat" the point was, yes, I am overweight. There is not a scale I have seen that puts me at healthy, but what matters is that regardless of my size, if I am not training to my potential, nothing I am doing will make any difference, and I will keep excusing it by saying that I am the big fat kid. But more than that a few people I know, that I have never met in person told me that if I wanted something bad enough they believed that I had it in me to go for it.
More to the point, in 3 months from now, I am going to my first Sword event that is not a local thing. It is a bit scary, what if I do not do well, what if I shame myself or my class? What if I do not pour into my matches all that I have and in holding back show just how unskilled I feel I am at times? What then? This is also over my 33rd Birthday weekend, so it is another time of transition in my life.
All of those what if's have turned into reason to train harder and do more than I have before. What was good enough, (going to class, exercising there, then not doing much outside of class) has changed. If I am going to get better, I cannot just let what I have been doing be enough. As a result I have been pushing myself harder, and noticing results. Now it is time to level it up, If something is better than nothing, then something more is better than something.
What it all comes down to is remembering that I am the Hero of my story, and as such no one is going to make me better if I am not doing anything about it myself. No one is going to push me harder or farther than I am willing to go, and no one is going to make me better if I don't do it myself. Guess it is time to hero up, and get things done.
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