Day 84 Surround yourself with people who build you up.

Punchy,
In life you will find people who want you to do your best. They want you to succeed because they believe in you. You will also find people who tear you down because it somehow makes them feel better about themselves. You may not always know which are which, but I want you to know that the ones you want to spend time with are the ones who build you up, not tear you down. It can be complicated, but it is worth it.

In life, may I suggest you build relationships and friendships with  people who want you around, enjoy your company, encourage you when you are down, and sometimes push you to be a better person. Is it hard to be with these people? Is it hard to be one of these people? It can be. When they want you to give it your all and you do not feel like it it can be a hard. There are people all over the world who believe in me. Many of them are my friends in HEMA. My Instructor is one of them, there have been times he has told me that he feels like I am, or at times can be one of the best in class. I have friends who live long long car rides away who are, right now, trying to help me get better at what and how I practice because they see in me the potential to do better. I may never be the best in the world, but that does not matter, what means the world to me is that I have people who believe in me and support me.

At the end of June, I went to my second Combat Con. For the steel tournament they had a new rule. In order to compete you had to pass a cutting qualifier. I was worried about it and so I asked one of my friends who lives in California for some help. He posted a video for me that gave me some pointers. At the end of the day I knew that whatever happened I was going to go in there and give it my all. I failed. Not as bad as others had but it was crushing for me. I was not out of competing, but I was out of doing the steel tournament. I told your mom via Text about it and her first response was "Sad. At least you can compete in synthetic." After a weak response of "yep" she said "What can we do so you can pass next time?"  That was it. No time in the muck, no time to feel bad about myself and how much I was not doing what I wanted to. What do we need to do to make sure that it goes better next time? I went on to do well in my matches and had it not been for some mistakes on my part I would have done much better in my pool matches.

After it was all said and done I came home with friends who want to see me succeed. I have sent video to them and they have sent me feedback. They are my away team, the guys I know will stand in my corner if I do not have someone to do it for me. They want to see me succeed because they believe I can. Those kind of people are the right people to have around. People who know you can do better, and encourage you to do it. They are not always the easiest people to hang out with. Sometimes pushing you means that when you fail it feels like you have let the team down. It means that they encourage you and sometimes that looks like being pushy, but I would rather a world full of those kind of people then a world full of friends who tear you down so they feel better about themselves; the later are not worth spending time with.

People who tear you down do not care if you are there or not. They take joy in making you look bad or in showing just how much you are inferior to them. To be honest, these kind of people are not secure in themselves so they need you to make them feel better. You may feel like you have failed the people who build you up, but they will not be the ones to make you feel that way. With people who build you up they know what it is like to feel like you have failed, and they will help you move on to fixing it. With people who tear you down, even a minor mistake is cause for making you feel like you have majorly messed up. You cannot avoid these people, they may be a part of your life, but you can limit the control they have over you.

Spend time with people who push you intellectually, people who take joy in your successes (not credit for them), people who see the best you can be, even if you cannot see it yourself. People who build you up even if it means that sometimes they push you past limits you think you have. They are the best coaches, the best teachers. Not the ones who mark something wrong and leave it at that but who look at what you are missing and ask, "What do we need to do so you pass next time.". They may be few and far between but they are the ones you want on your team, and the best way to get them on yours is to find people whom you can do the same for, find people you believe in, and encourage them.

The more you build people up the better off you leave the world.

-Dad

85 Days Our story (or, we really want you here)

Punchy,

I do not talk about it a lot because it is a hard thing to talk about but we really want you here.

Let me go back to the beginning, Before you were on your way and growing, before your mom and I were married, let’s go way back.

When I was a kid, I had an invisible sweet heart when I was little my mom tells me. I always felt like my purpose was to find the right person to love and to have a home and children. How many children was up for debate as it was not entirely my decision. As time went on I had ups and downs. People who I dated and loved, and those who I wanted to date but never was given a chance. First of all, no one owes you anything when it comes to this. The bad news (it sometimes feels) is that no one owes you a chance to date them, the good news is that you owe it to no one to date them. When I was 14 I had a girl friend who, I am sorry to say I "dated" because she wanted to date me. The reason dated is in quotations is that we never went anywhere or did anything outside of school.

Eventually dating did get some easier, I liked people and felt good enough about myself sometimes that I felt comfortable asking them out. Easier is not easy. Dating is complicated, and often things are harder than they need to be since you have 2 people with emotional baggage getting together and hoping that they can work it out in the long run.

When I met your mom, we were both on an online dating service. We talked for a bit quite a lot then things kind of stopped. It is my fault, I messaged her back "OK" and she felt it was a conversation killer as I did not expand on that or anything. Weeks later I started talking to her again and finally we did meet though not without more trouble. She was up from Provo one day and wanted to meet after her family thing. I won't lie, it was in the back of my mind, but it was a Saturday after sword and frankly I spaced it. The next time we were going to meet I had made plans with someone and they were canceled. I asked if she wanted to meet and she said that she did not want to play second fiddle to anyone. (Something I respect) We met that night and I will not forget, when I left I thought that she could very possibly be the one.

I was not always smart. I still went on dates with other people for a bit since she and I were not an exclusive thing. She called me on it (your mom is good about that) and at that point I stopped dating anyone but her. As things got serious and we started spending more and more time together I knew that it was a serious thing. Years ago, a friend of mine and I decided that there needed to be rules about dating. Silly things like you must date someone for X amount of time before marrying them, or they must want the same amount of kids you do, etc.  With your mom, I broke many of those rules and here is where you come in.

Before we were engaged, She told me that because of some medical conditions (PCOS) she had been told that she may never be able to have kids. When she told me that, it was something that was very hard for me to hear. I had from the time I was very young wanted to be a dad. To have kids, eventually I had settled on the number (2 would be enough). What this meant was if I stayed with her, there was a possibility that we would never have kids and it was something that was hard to hear. I may never have the chance to have children that were my own. We talked a lot about it and decided that at some time we would try, and if we could not, then maybe we would adopt or something. Shortly there after we were engaged and then married.

The house we live in was sort of meant to be. My mom’s real estate friend told me that he had a house that we needed to see. (This was 2 months after we were married) Your mom and I looked at the pictures online and were not so sure, but thought we would humor him. When we walked into that house we were sold. It would take a lot of things falling in line but we knew we needed that house. 2 very long months later I found myself giving up the apartment that had meant so much to me, it was my first place on my own, it was a place with many memories, both good and bad, it had some downs but it was my place. To move it meant giving all that up, and to walk into a place that was not mine, but was ours.

When we decided that we wanted to start trying we knew it would be a hard road. Your moms doctors had not said that it would be hard for nothing. We tried on our own for several months, and after that started at the fertility clinic. (WE REALLY WANTED YOU TO BE HERE!) The months with the fertility clinic were up and down. Every month we had good signs I gave your mom injections to release the eggs, but for a while, 2 weeks later we found out that it had not worked and we were back to the beginning again.  Finally, we heard the good news. On Valentines morning we found out that your mom was pregnant with you. I won't lie. That morning I had stayed up way too late so when she told me she had a plus sign, It took me a second to figure out exactly what that meant.

For a while we did not tell anyone. We did not want to get too excited, the first 12 weeks are a rough time, and not everyone makes it through it. Since that time though as the weeks have gone by we are just getting more and more excited. We started a registry the other day, your room is ready, we have a few small things to do before you get here but we will be ready. I have waited my whole life to meet you, and we will get to soon. It has not been an easy road. We have had the ups and downs, but I want you to know that I am in your corner, no matter what. Sometimes you will stumble, that is when you get back up and just keep going. Sometimes you will make some mistakes, make sure that you correct them and do right the next time. You are what would have been called in any other time a miracle, and we are glad to welcome you here. I will do my best to help you learn and grow, to teach you to be a good man, but regardless of how things go, always remember that we want you here, and we are excited to meet you.

-Dad

Day 86 speak to what you know

Little guy,
You are now 86 days from what your mom is calling your guess date. Whether you are born on the 22nd of October or not, I would rather you be ready to be out here than to come too soon because we are so excited. Yesterday we celebrated your Great Grandpa Hinckleys 89th Birthday with cake and Ice Cream at his house. When I was born we got a picture with My Great Grandpa Silas, My Grandpa Tharon, and My Dad Tharoll and I, it was one of the few that were taken with the 4 Hinckley men together. You are hardly the first Great Grandson but it is my hope, and my dads too that Grandpa will stay with us long enough to do be able to do the same thing for you.

I have been writing much more for you these last weeks, but today I want to talk about 2 things that kind of go hand in hand. Speaking to what you know, and when you don't finding out as much as you can so if you need to you can speak to it. 

I want to start out by telling you that I do not know everything, Far from it. I can't promise that if you listen to the advise I give you that you will live a wealthy, successful and happy life.  I wish I could, but that is just not a promise I can, in good conscience make you. What I can tell you is to listen to things that people tell you and ask yourself does what they are telling me make reasonable sense, and if not why not. You may not always get the answers you are looking for, but sometimes you may be able to tell the reality from the made up stuff they are building into it. 

An example of this would be if someone is telling you that they were late to work because they got a flat tire on the way in. They then go and explain that it must be the neighborhood kids who did something to it just so he would be late to work this morning of all mornings when he has the big meeting. From that I can read he got a flat tire, he does not like the neighborhood kids, or possibly does not trust them. Is it possible them messed with his tire so he got a flat on the road on the way to work? Maybe, but is it likely? No. There is a big difference between causation and coincidence. our minds are wired to look for coincidence, to find things that would make sense as to the cause of something. It is a survival thing from a long time ago. If Bob eats a banana and falls down dead, you may not want to eat the banana he did. Does that mean it caused is death? No, but it is a little better safe than sorry. 

To that point, I suggest that you speak to things you know. That does not mean in class never raise you hand, but it does mean when you are in conversations with people if you do not know something to be true, don't speak to that point. Speculate if you need to, talk about similar things that you do know, but one way to be made a fool is to not know what you are talking about and to fight for it strongly. Lets say your friends are talking about a show they watched last night that you didn't get to see. It is far better to sit it out and observe some of what they are talking about then to make up things just to be in the conversation. "Remember when that guy got hit with a banana? that was hilarious!" is not likely to come across as something that is likely to have happened or clue you in to the conversation. It is easier to tell the truth about things then to make up stories that you then have to support with facts. Sometimes that means trying to change the topic of conversation to something you do know, but better that, then to be caught in a lie that you have to try to get out of. Tell the truth, and speak to what you know about. 

There was a time a few years ago that I would try to jump into many online conversations. I saw that people were talking about something and I really wanted to be a part of it. The problem that I found was that if I did not have a good solid context for the conversation, I was seen as random and coming from no where. I may have had something to contribute, but because I was way out of context, people did not listen to me. These days I try to keep my nose out of things I have no understanding of. Sometimes that means asking questions to people who do know, sometimes it means watching things to see what I can learn about a topic, sometimes it means asking clarifying questions to understand  what is being talked about. 

In general I will avoid things about German Long sword technique. I am too new to it, I do not know it well, I do not speak the lingo. If someone is talking about something in general like Oblique strikes or something, I have no problem talking about how I think it works or how it should be performed but when it is something like "When Meyer says to do X what does it mean? " I avoid it. Not because I may not have an opinion, but because I do not have the foundation enough to speak to it. Let it go by, let others speak to it. It is not up to you to solve all of the worlds problems, Just to do what you can. 

Speak to what you know, and let others speak to what they know, ask questions, learn more, maybe some day what you know will be what they do. But there is no reason to have to chime in to everything, just say what you know or can relate to, everything else will work itself out. 

Love you kiddo

-Dad

Day 87 Unplug sometimes.

Punchy,
As I wrote yesterday, over the past few days we spent time out camping with the Stephenson reunion. I am sure that this will be a tradition you will always remember, even if it is not for a few years before you remember it.
On Friday night a few of us went shooting, it is not something I have done for a long time but it was a lot of fun, and may be something I do again.
While we were camping I had my phone turned off. Most of the time your mom and I used very few electrical things. Flashlights were really the only things we used. Part of the reason for that is that up in the canyon we did not get really good cell phone reception, and to tell you the truth, it is kind of a nice thing. If I had been able to have my phone on, it would not have lasted all day either way, but more to the point it meant that we needed to talk to each other, make real connections. Sit around the camp fire and tell jokes and riddles without being able to google them.

When I was growing up, we did not have all of that. The first cell phones I remember were a scout master who had one some time in the early 90's. At that time there may have been internet but very few people were on it. To find the answer to something you had to look it up at a library. or mail something through the postal service. Many of those things have changed. We are now so hyper connected that some small talk does not happen anymore since we can know from social media what is going on for whom as long as they make it public. We can find the answer to stupid things like "Where do I know that actor from?" at the touch of a button. Where we miss things is having real life human connections. We may hear a thousand things about what someone is doing over the course of a year, but may never say hello to them when we see them on the street. We may know that something happened to them but never mention it in in real life.
The age of the Internet has connected us in ways that were never possible before, but where we miss the boat is that there is an ability to hide behind a screen instead of interacting with each other really.
That is where it is important to unplug sometimes. Over the course of a day, between work, Facebook, Email, and the like I get many notifications. Most of them are trivial in the grand scheme of things. When we got to camp, I turned off my phone, and it did not come on until we were on our way down the canyon. During that time, the world did not blow up, we did not go to war with some new nation, the world changed very little.
What did happen while we were camping is that I was able to talk to people, spend time with people, (or alone) and not have the world at my fingertips. That is not to say I am turning off my phone all the time, but sometimes it is good to unplug. Be with the people you are in a room with, or read a book alone. Sometimes you need to unplug. Sometimes we need to disconnect from the world around us and connect with the world right in front of us.
Take time to unplug some times, you will find that the connections you make go much further than the ones you find only online.

Love you kiddo,
-Dad

Day 88 Family

Little Guy,
This post is being combined for Saturday and Sunday quite simply because we were at the Stephenson reunion on Saturday. This one is a little special since this is the first time in many many years that your Grandpa Stephenson has been with all his siblings at one time. Due to people living all over they do not get together, or see everyone that often. This is also the 1st reunion that we have had the camper and as such its a new and different experience for me. It is part tent, part clubhouse, part home but definitely neat. We are finding out now what things make you jump around. The other day we found out you like orange juice and this morning after breakfast, with all the sugar we found out that the sweetness makes you dance around. It is neat.

Family matters.
Sometimes Family seems like people you may not know well. We don't always spend a lot of time with them but family is important. Friends will stand by you through thick and thin, some of them will always be a part of your life even when you have not seen  them for years, but Family will always be there. Your great Grandma Hinckley was always big on that. I am sorry you did not get to meet her. She was a neat lady and though she did not always agree with us on things, in the end she supported us even if she did not agree because we were family. She always said that you don't divorce family, and at her funeral several of the Ex wives of the Hinckley men were there. You don't divorce family little man. People may come and go into your life but Family is always there, and should be, at least I think so. I do not agree with all my family all the time, but they are family and family is important.

You do not get to pick who you are related to, even if sometimes you wish you could choose not to be related to that cousin, or uncle, or something. Eventually, you get to pick the person you are married to and their family. I have a little advise when it comes to that. You may not love all of your in laws, and that makes a difference, but love the person you are married to and it will work alright. That family is a part of the person you marry. The helped mold and shape them, helped make them the person they are, and if you are lucky, they will take you in as part of the family as well. Family matters. I may not be a Stephenson, but they have brought me in as a part of the family and that is something that is really neat.

You may have friends who are that way. You will have aunts and uncles who you are not related to by blood, but as far as anything goes, they are family. The truth is in all of that, it is different. Do not judge that to be less important, after a time, some people you have known for long enough are as near as family, but blood is different. It may not be a part of my personal faith, but I agree that no matter where you go, the people you grow up with will mold and shape the person you become in ways you may never comprehend. Family is important son, and I am so excited to have you be a part of ours.

-Dad

89 Days: Pain and sorrow

You are now 89 days from us. I am excited for the day you are born and I can see your face in person.

On Wednesday night your mom asked me a difficult question.
"When you write the Blog for the baby will you talk about the hard times and struggle too?"
My dear son.
I have now been writing for you the better part of a week and given you advise on finding your passion, doing what you love, as well as some advise on some other things. I feel like so far I have painted a world that is colorful and bright and joyful all the time. What I have not given you is the contrast.

When I was 11 I attempted suicide. I was down (though not as down as I would ever be) I was frustrated with my life, and my lack of achievement, the girl I had a crush on would hardly give me the time of day. It was bad. I wanted to end it all, I wanted to get out. Later I would realize that it was a cry out for help. Though in that moment, things were pretty dark.

When I was 25 a break up with a girl whom I really loved nearly took me to the edge again. I had poured everything into the relationship only to have it go south. She had someone new, she had moved on and I felt empty and alone. This time though, I caught myself, got some help and was able to build myself up again.

In both cases, I wanted to stop breathing. Just stop. As if I could take one last breath and all the pain would be gone. I felt lost, alone, I felt that there was nothing left for me. I wanted to be gone; just disappear. I had lost the sense of self that I had. What I found, going through those times is, that when something inside you dies, something new is born. Both times I found some help, the last time I found that when she and I had been dating I had wrapped all of who I was into the relationship, and when it ended, really ended,  I found that I had lost myself. I had spent months trying to be the guy she wanted to be with and what I found out was when it was all over she did not want the guy she said she wanted to be with. Life can be confusing, try not to loose yourself in it. It happens, things will absorb your sense of self but at the end of the day remember that you are not those things, but lots of things.

The world is not all good things all the time. There are things that will hurt. I don't talk about my depression often. I don't talk a lot about it, but it does run in the family. There are days that I do not want to get up and get going. Days that I would rather stay home in bed, I have no motivation, despite things being OK, I feel frustrated, and annoyed, like wearing an itchy wool sweater that does not fit right, something just seems to bother me all day, sometimes it lasts more than a day. It does not happen as much now that I stay regular on my medication but sometimes it does happen.

There is an old story about a King who was looking for a new councilor, his request was that those interested bring him something that would make him happy when he was sad, and something that was sad when he was happy. One day man came to him with a simple gold ring. The King was confused how this would make him happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy until he read the inscription. "This too shall pass."

The way that I get through it is that like everything else you have choices. Sometimes, deep in depression, they are hard to see but hey are there. The darkness seems to be everywhere, it feels like nothing you can do will get you out of it. When that happens, keep moving forward. It sounds like horrible advise I know, but this too shall pass. Sometimes the answer is to reach out to people who can help you. It may not be people you are close to, (in fact, having been there when I was in my teens they feel like sometimes the people who loved me unconditionally were felt like the worst people to help) sometimes you just need to talk, or write it out, or get out and do something, anything to keep moving. Sometimes medication helps balance things, if that is ever the case lets talk and see what we can do.  I wish I could say you will never know depression, you will never feel alone, you will never loose sight of the things that make you happy, but I can't. What I do know is that sometimes you may need or want to reach out for help. If it can't be your mom or I, still seek it out. that is what matters. I can't promise you that it will never rain, but I can promise you it won't last forever, and sometimes, just sometimes there will be rainbows.

90 days: Respect

90 Days.
90 Day action plan,
a Quarter of a year(ish)
That is how long it is until you are due. little guy.
At Costco last night we saw the first of the Halloween costumes. Normally,  I would roll my eyes and complain that it was far too early. This year though we are not excited for Halloween, or the Great Pumpkin Festival (something we are not hosting this year), but you, little man.  I told your mom last night that I am running out of topics that I can think of easily to write to you about, then she gave me a few things that will be on the docket coming up soon. Because some things at work, today I am going to tackle a topic I do not talk or think much about, mostly because I feel I handle it alright most of the time but we could all do better. Respect.

In life you will be asked to respect a lot of things, people, places, things,  (all nouns, you are never asked to respect a verb, or an adjective or an adverb) opinions, even yourself. There will be things you disagree about or dislike. Maybe it is someones belief about something you do not agree with, their politics, faith, way of doing something. I ask you one thing in this, you do not have to roll over and let their right overpower your own, but you do have to be respectful about it. That means not calling them dumb or attacking them over the disagreement, they are not the point of the contention, that opinion or belief is. You may find yourself not agreeing with what people do or say. That is no excuse to attack them as a person for it.
Respect means that you hold yourself in high enough regard that you can tell the truth about the situation and if needed, get out of it. Say you are at a party and someone is smoking. Respect says that you do not have to punch them in the face to get them to stop, you can ask them to do so somewhere else, or not to do so at all around you, or if you were the one who walked where they were, if you do not like it you can go some place else. The root of respect is that you value yourself enough that you get out of the situation if it bothers you or have a discussion with them about it, but never insult or fight them as a person. Online, it can be easy to argue, call people dumb, make fun of something they enjoy or what have you. Just because it is easy does not make it right.
It all comes down to respecting yourself enough that if you disagree, you can talk about it but leave it there. The moment you attack someones beliefs or opinions, or something they hold dear, they can take it as an attack on them and that is a sure fire way to get them to shut down and not even consider your point of view; this goes doubly for politics and religion.
You see, people identify with some things. They say "I am a Christian", "I am a Liberal", "I am an Atheist" and it all means something very personal to them. The moment you attack it, it can be seen as you in essence saying "I disagree with you about X which means it is invalid, which in turn means you are invalid" it is a tough thing to feel. What I encourage you to do is to ask them what that thing means to them, find the common ground. There will be people who say "I am Christian." and wear it as a badge of honor, but if you are not sure what that means to them ask, respectfully. You may be surprised the answers you get, or the common ground you find.
No matter whether you agree with someone, you must respect them, and their right to believe it. Years ago I was at a Gay Pride festival, and there were protesters there. There were also people who were trying to provoke a response from them by kissing in front of them. That is the wrong way to respect each other. They have a right to protest. That does not mean you have to agree with their "God Hates Fags" signs but they have a right to protest. Just like you have a right not to listen or talk to them, you can respect them by not giving them power over you and your actions. Remember, Respect is first and formost about respecting yourself. The moment you give someone else the control over you, you have stopped respecting yourself.
If I am at a bar, and someone punches me who is in control of my actions? I am. I am always at choice about my actions. Because they hit me does it mean that I have to break their nose? Nope. Is it an option? If it needed to be yes, if it was the only way I am going to get out of the situation, yes, should it always be an option on the table? Nope. Respecting yourself is all about being in control of you and the things you do. Do you have to get into every fight out there? If you feel like you do, I have to ask what do you think about yourself, that you have to fight every time you can. A man looking for fight is sure to find one. Respect all starts with you. You control your actions and your words. Just because you think of a sly comeback does not mean that you have to insult someone with it. Respect is about playing on your court by your rules, don't like what someone else thinks or says? You do not have to play with them, you may have to work with them, or go to the same school or the like, but you do not have to be their friend. Respect is about playing on your field making your choices about how to respond, even if sometimes the response is to walk away so you are not getting any more hurt. That is a part of being a self respecting human.

-Dad