Sunday, August 16, 2015

66 Days, Sometimes it takes a break to get fixed.

Punchy,
Today we got up, had breakfast and hit the gym, then worked at the State Fair store. Your mom is starting to show and tonight there I felt some part of you through your moms belly. (We think it was a hand or a foot)
A few weeks ago, things were stable, I knew that when you were born I was going to take time off work, it would be covered by both insurances, and that I was able to provide for my family. It was important, it had a lot of meaning. Today I had a minor breakdown because that is not the case right now. As of today I am not covered by insurance under the University. It is tough, but it is what it is. Yesterday I did a video interview for a new job and with some luck I should have a new job before you are born. I do not know what it will be yet, but I do know that sometimes you have to have to trust that things will work out.
It is hard to be in this position little man, but sometimes, you have to free fall for a bit before the ground is underneath you again. It is hard to dwell in the uncertainty. It is hard to be in a place where you are not certain what the next step is. but sometimes you have to trust that it will worked out.

There are a few things that I know for sure. Some of which I have written about here. but this one is a little more tricky and a little harder than the others. Sometime you have to not know. It is from that void that answers come. You see, if everything is set, firm, and planned, and there is no room for deviation no room to do or try something different. I like to have my life pretty worked out, but sometimes you have to trust that the answers will come to you even if you do not know what those answers are.

It is like this: If you are taking a test on something you have studied for very hard, you may not remember the answer that the question is asking for. Sometimes you have to move on and think of something else and let the answer come to you. (It does not always work, but sometimes it does.) Or if you are set on dating someone and only dating them alone will do, you miss out on other people that may be a better match. Sometimes there have to be spaces where you do not try so hard, where you take a break and just be for a bit. A little silence to clear your head, or a little fresh air to get clear about things. Sometimes it takes a break to really get clear about things, this is especially true if you can't see what is going on because you are in the middle of it.

Years ago I met someone in college and we started dating. I have talked a bit about her, but that relationship was a turning point for me. When we were dating, I gave up a lot of things that were personal and important to me, so I could be with her. One day she mentioned that she was not sure she could marry a guy with earrings, so I took mine out. It was not healthy by any means because I put all of who I was into that relationship, only to find when it was over, that I had lost myself in the process. I did not, and could not see it until we had broken up. I could not understand what I had given up until I looked at things when it was over.

It is like a train going down a track. On that track, there is only one way to go, there is only one direction, and (at least in this metaphor) only a few destinations to go to. Now imagine an Airplane. In a plane you can fly wherever you want on many trajectories. Where a train or a car can only follow the roads and only those paths, a plane can fly over this house one day and a completely different house or route the next. There is nothing wrong with being a train. Having a plan is good, and knowing where you are headed is great, but sometimes you have to back up 10,000 feet and look at the lay of the land to see if that is where you want to be, and if not what you need to do to get there, sometimes you have to take a break and sometimes, those breaks are chosen for you and all you can do is to take a breath, step into the void and let the wind carry you to the next great adventure.

You may not know what is coming but you are always there so you know that somehow it will all work out. Be true to yourself, do not forget who you are, and the Universe will give you or show you what it is that you need, and sometimes what you want.
-Dad