Punchy,
I can finally explain some of what has been going on the last few days. On Friday I was put on administrative leave at work due to some things that I felt I had taken care of but my bosses did not think I did. Friday was hard. Saturday it was hanging over me all of the day Sunday was the same. Monday was hell. I had a meeting at 3 to give my side of the situation. I woke up feeling good, then cleaned the house (your mom suggested it, and it helps me when I am nervous) At 11:00 I started to get ready, then waited and waited and waited to go there. When I finally was able to meet I feel like I covered it all and explained it all well and felt like there was a chance I may be able to come back to work within days.
By yesterday, I decided that I needed to do something, anything active to fill up the day. I decided since I have a gym membership and had some time, I would get up with your mom, drop her off at work, then spend some time at the gym before going home. By yesterday afternoon I had most of my todo's done and hoped that maybe sometime today there was a chance I would hear and hopefully could come back to work.
Today, I was less than optimistic, but I got up, went to the gym, ran some errands then I was able to go to your mom's appointment with the Midwife. I have not been able to go to many of these as I am always at work. When I got home I got the phone call. Tomorrow I have to go into work and clean out my desk. I am not looking forward to it, but it is something that has to be done.
The University has been more than a job to me. Since day 1 I have been proud to be a part of something bigger. To be helping people and with an organization I believed in. It was bigger than healthcare, it was my University, the team I cheered for, the organization I believed in and would do whatever I could to make sure it succeeded. It was a place that pulled me out of darkness on more than one occasion, gave me the help I needed, provided me a lifestyle that allowed me the ability to do other things I loved to do. I believed in the University of Utah and for 9 years it has been home. It mattered and I wanted it to succeed, I was helping people. The work I did mattered. Now I am not allowed to be a part of that anymore and that saddens and hurts me.
Now, I find that it is gone. The mission of helping people at least with this organization can't be mine anymore. I did not choose it, it was chosen for me. Sometimes life is like that you give it your all, you do what you can, and you still come up with nothing. It is hard. Harder than anything ought to be. To me, it is not just about loosing a job, it is my team, the people I worked to build up and pushed to be the best they could be. To do all we could to keep the hospital safe and clean. It was in part, part of my purpose. Now I am being told that despite the work, despite the fact that my employees enjoyed working for me. It was not enough. The work I did was not enough.
I am sorry son. I am sorry that I will not be able to be home with you on a paid time off because I did not do what I was asked to the satisfaction of my bosses. I am sorry that you will not know these people who were so excited to see you born even though they had never visited our home or spent any time with me away from work but somehow that is how things work.
I can only try to move forward and hope that I am able find something soon so that you can have the childhood you deserve. It has been a hard few days one that I hope for your sake you never have to go through.
I love you kiddo
-Dad
